I'd tell you why I haven't written an entry in a while...but at the end of the day, it's just an excuse. Excuses make the world go round - there are some that get you out of un-fun situations and others that contribute to make a situation ever worse. Growing up I had a lot of play dates with neighborhood kids. There were days when my friends and I would play Barbie or dress-up for hours on end and other days where I wanted to play by myself. Everyone grew up with that annoying friend that never knew when to leave or would never stop inviting you to things. As a kid, you want to make your friends happy...even if it means doing things you don't want to do. There was this girl on my street named Elizabeth and she was trouble. She would make up horrible scenarios for Barbie - like rejection or death. Every time I would talk to her or see her she would complain about her mom being mean. To be fair, her mom was really mean. I didn't blame Elizabeth for being at our house all the time (cause I certainly didn't want to be at her house) but she never seemed to leave. The worst was when she asked Caroline or I to spend the night at her house. We didn't want to be with her for THAT long nor did we want to be at her house with her mom. I remember crying in our old kitchen about not wanting to go and how it was so unfair. My mom hugged me and told me I wasn't allowed to go. My mom didn't care if I spent the night or not, but if she told me I couldn't go...I wouldn't be able to go! My mom had a standing contract with us that if we didn't want to do something, we could blame her. My mom didn't care if a kid disliked her for a couple hours. She never forced me to do anything I didn't want to do - the 'mom excuse' has worked for the last 21 years of my life...but unfortunately it won't work much longer.
I found out a couple days ago that my boyfriend was leaving for the spring season MUCH sooner than anticipated. It's hard for me to understand why every good thing gets taken away from me too soon. Needless to say, I didn't handle it very well when he told me what was happening. He is so talented and gets to follow his baseball dream and I have absolutely no intention of standing in his way...I just want him here, to be with me. While freaking out about the situation, I began to bring every other horrible aspect of my life into the picture. I talked about my mom, dropping my sorority, the burdens of being 22 and a mom/maid/sibling/student/chef. It all came out of my mouth like word vomit...triggered by our initial conversation of leaving. He was patient with me while listening to the insanity coming from my mouth. While driving home with mascara stains all over my face, I thought two things: I hope nobody sees me in this state and why did I act like that? I began to call a series of people who I thought could make the situation better. I called number after number, some numbers several times but nobody answered. Finally, I pulled over on the side of the road and cried. I did what my mom has always told me to do - I let it out. I yelled and screamed and cried hard...I was so frustrated and overwhelmed. Then I realized something, the only person who can help me at this point...was myself. I can call a million numbers and explain the situation an infinite amount of times...but nobody knows how I feel and nobody knows what I want to hear. I used Coby's excuse about leaving, to let go of 5 months worth of emotions, anger, fear and frustration. I was selfish in thinking that he can't leave because I'm not ready. It's not up to me or him...there are more important people calling the shots. I have no choice in the matter, but should be thankful he spends time with me and excited that he gets to play! Don't get me wrong, I'm very upset he's going so soon...but he could have told me my hair looked bad and I think I would have reacted in the same type of way (slight exaggeration - but you get my point).
The devotion for today is from Exodus 4:1-4, 10-13. The Lord tells Moses to throw his staff down and turns it into a snake. The Lord tells Moses to pick the snake up by the tail and it becomes a staff again. I read verses 11 and 12 over and over and over again because it spoke directly to me, "Then the Lord asked Moses, "Who makes a person's mouth? Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say." A lot of times I don't know what to say, how to say it or who to say it to. I usually say too much or not enough. I usually am not very specific or am overly dramatic. I struggle with my emotions and fears, because they change like 20 times throughout the course of one day. I am notorious for trying to suck it up and be a big girl. But what I'm going through is some real crap and it gets harder and harder every day. Little kids need their parents to stick up for them until they get their own confidence. As you grow up you come to understand that people deserve to know you don't want to do something...not because your mom won't let you...but because you have no desire to do what they're asking/suggesting. I have a lot of growing up to do...I can't just explode on someone because I'm not ready for them to leave. I can't use other people's problems to focus on my own. I forget that this cancer is my life and my tragedy. I forget that ultimately it's my problem that I am facing, nobody else's. Many other people are affected by my mom's illness...but nobody is as directly affected as my nuclear family.
When God calls me to do something, I think of a million reasons why I shouldn't. But my excuse is not even a slight challenge for God. I'm pretty sure He looks down and laughs at me saying "wrong, try again". God wants to use me for something...I'm not sure what and I'm not sure when exactly I'll find out. Natasha Bedingfield has a song called "touch" and it explains that everything happens for a reason - "Every choice we make and every road we take. Every interaction starts a chain reaction. We're both affected when we least expect it." We all have so many excuses that surround us in our lives...I think sometimes we forget what is real. God speaks through me - through my moments of brilliance and insanity. I try so hard to push people away because I don't want to overwhelm them...but surprisingly, nobody has left. God gives me words to say - the right ones and the wrong ones. He wants me to continue making mistakes and sin boldly, for that's how I learn. In the Bible He explains that we are the chosen ones, given mouths to speak and ears to listen. I've decided to cut the excuses and say what I need to say. Exploding and blaming things on other people, whether they care or not, doesn't solve any of my problems. I don't think some of my excuses are bad, but I think I need to be a better listener to God, my heart and my mind; I wish they were as easy to sync as my ipad and ipod.
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