Back To School Shopping

I love shopping. I love the halogen lights, the smell of credit card plastic and the touch of a disease-ridden shopping cart. When I shop, the world gets better. When I shop, I am able to exercise my opinion and creativity. When I shop I don’t worry about all the things I “should” be doing. I’m just focused on finding my next favorite blouse or the pan that I’ll make a Thanksgiving casserole in. I typically spend at least 2 hours a week shopping in some capacity; online shopping, grocery shopping or TJ Maxx/Homegoods shopping. Call it what you will, but shopping is my hobby.

Most of my shopping memories from when I was younger consisted of back to school shopping trips. My mom used to take my sister and I to places like Dillards, Macys and Hechts (remember Hechts?!). Everything we selected and tried on had to be mom approved. When I was younger, I enjoyed putting on a fashion show trying on everything and prancing around the dressing room. As I got older and more capable of putting together a decent outfit, it became more annoying that my mom would make me show her everything I wanted her to buy. She vetoed a lot of the outfits my friends at school were wearing. I would get so frustrated with her and explain that she was ruining my life. She would always say “yea, I’m a mean mom. You’ll thank me one day”. And it’s true. When I look back at old yearbook pictures and selfies (before selfies were cool) with my friends and the outfits everyone else was wearing…they weren’t as cute as we all thought they were. I’m not saying I was dressed cool at all – but I never owned anything trendy…ever. Trendy things were expensive and not in the back to school budget. We stuck to private label knock off brands that “gave the same look as all the things your friends are wearing”. My mom was notorious for saying things about the clothes you wear not being as cool as the person you are inside. All that typical mom stuff. It’s funny how so many years later those are the things that stick with you.

When I was in college at ODU, my mom was working part time and was off on Mondays and Fridays. I loved Mondays and Fridays because usually we would go to lunch and then hit a store or two and shop together for a couple hours. It was a weekly occurrence that at least one day a week we would get time together to goof around and spend dad’s money. It’s not normal to spend or want to spend that much time with a parent; I get that. But I was never a normal kid. My parents have always been two of my very best friends. My mom was awesome. She had this way of making you feel like you were the most special person in the world and that she wanted to hear every detail of even the most mundane stories. She was so fun and yet so painfully conservative all at the same time. I’d be willing to bet my life on the fact that she never wronged anyone deliberately or took anything or anyone for granted, ever. She was amazing.

Maybe that’s why I love shopping so much. Because it was something we used to do together. Now a days I enjoy shopping by myself. It’s an excuse for me to refocus and unwind. The last time I was in TJ Maxx I saw a book with a tranquil front cover that was on clearance. It was a meditation book with daily short passages about God, life and our place in it all. I did what any maxxanista would do. I bought it. For $10 bucks, how could you go wrong with a daily devotional? Today is Day 1 of this devotional and the quote to kickstart the day is “He that will not apply new remedies must expect new evils; for time is the greatest innovator” – Sir Francis Bacon. Today’s devotion is all about change and how we must change to keep moving forward. When my mom died, I felt like I didn’t want to move forward. For the first time in my life, I didn’t want tomorrow to come. I didn’t want to grow up. I didn’t want to try new things and experience anything else because I had experienced enough. Death is a hard subject. It’s hard to understand and to explain. It’s hard to watch someone breathe and know that it’ll be their last breath.

Our world is desperate for change and the newest, fastest, bestest technology and innovation. Because of death, because of cancers, because of tragedies we are forced to innovate and progress forward. We are forced to move forward and apply new remedies because if we didn’t, more of us might have the exact same fate. Ultimately, we all die. Yes. But we don’t have to die from cancer or a tragedy; if we keep moving forward and applying new remedies we might find a cure or be a solid step closer to world peace. As I sit here tonight, blogging about this devotion I am reminded that time truly is the greatest innovator. With time everything falls apart and comes back together to make the years of our lives that are worth remembering and living for. While my life has taken some unexpected and devastatingly sad turns, it’s had moments and years of unbelievable happiness too. Choosing to focus on the happiness in my life and the possibility that with time things could get even better is worth the wait. It’s worth the new evils that may or may not arise.

Tonight I’m thankful for this new perspective. I’m thankful for the challenge of this quote and for the back to school shopping memories with my mom this blog brought up. I challenge you to embark on this 365 day journey with me and Meditations from the Mat.

Book:

Meditations from the Mat. Daily Reflections on the Path of Yoga. Rolf Gates and Katrina Kenison.

Choices.

To quote my girl Avril, from the 90s, “Everything’s changing when I turn around, all out of my control, I’m a mobile”. A lot’s been changing in my world over the past almost 3 years. People count their years by many things – Jan 1 is the start of a year for most people I would assume. Some people probably measure years in their children’s ages or in how long it takes to get rid of a bad haircut. For me, years are measured in loss. I measure time by referencing how long my mom’s been deceased. I’m 25 years old and my mother is gone, permanently. Believe it or not, it’s still odd for me to type or say those words. In the past year I’ve called her cell phone more times than I’d like to admit, ready to scream about my bad day or shout in excitement over the status of my relationship. Everything seems to be changing and it’s all out of my control…and for a huge control freak, it’s an absolute nightmare. I can’t control cancer – I discovered that when my mom passed away a few years ago. I can’t control others around me – I learn that more and more every day. But what I can control is something I’m not very good at controlling – my negativity.

It’s recently been brought to my attention that I have a ‘need’ for negativity. I never really thought about it like that, but in some ways…I guess that’s true. I am a firm believer in the fact that people are products of their upbringing – we are the way we are because of something we’ve experienced or maybe you act the way you do because Instagram told you to…or you saw something on Facebook that inspired you to do x, y and z with your life. Whatever it is, I have a hard time believing that you choose to do or say everything you do because of your own original thoughts. I know I don’t. I saw a picture on Instagram a couple Saturdays ago of a girl with a floppy hat and a glass of wine…so now I own a floppy hat…and I really don’t even like drinking wine. Will I ever wear that stupid hat? Probably not. But I’m an impressionable person so it stuck with me. What does impressionable really mean? A synonym is to imprint. Hmm, maybe that’s why I enjoy a good dose of reality. I have moments and images imprinted or stamped on my brain and in my heart of moments I was told everything would work out just fine with my mom. Or when doctors and even some family members told me that she would be fine or better in the morning. What I fail to dwell on are the good times that are stamped in my mind and on my heart. Times when I wasn’t let down by anyone or anything. I have more of those times than the negative times. Why is it that we always dwell on negativity and insecurity – because we are less likely to be disappointed?  

I’m not one of those people that goes to playgrounds and yells “Santa’s fake” to all the children…but I am a person that sees the glass half empty. I’m not sure if I always used to be this way, but life’s dealt me a real crappy hand of cards. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my hand of cards and I’m thinking it might just be time to change the game. I might not win a game of Poker, but I might have all the necessary cards for Spades. It might not be about what I’ve previously done with the cards in my hand, but more about what I plan to do with the cards in the future. I’m getting married in July and I keep thinking about my future – it’s kinda scary. Thinking about my life and how I plan to incorporate someone else into it. I’m inviting someone else into my life permanently; we are basically merging our two lives together forever. That’s like a huge big deal. And my fiancé happens to see life as half full and has an overabundance of joy in almost everything he does. In the kindest way possible, I mean that he’s annoyingly positive and happy. I have to laugh to myself while typing this because I love every single part of that man and I think that's why. He's always telling me that everything is going to be fine and that it's all going to work out and genuinely believes that! It's hard for me to relate to that mindset considering that my world is finally starting to revolve again. I appreciate his kindness and encouragement, but not in every situation. Sometimes you just need to be upset. However, I think for every half empty person, there’s someone out there to be their half full person. I think that over time I could become a half full person, but where do I even start? How do I try being half full when it’s less painful to be more realistic and half empty? 

Tonight I’m reading Philippians 4:8, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things”. It frustrates me that things are often written in the bible in such a nonchalant way – like “only think about positive things and you won’t be negative”. However, sitting here reading this passage over and over I’m struggling to find something negative to think about. When you focus on positive thinking, it’s all consuming. And the beautiful thing about positive thinking is that it has no end – one positive thought leads perfectly into the next. I’m not doubting that Jesus knew what he was talking about…there are many stories that lead exactly to what he was predicting or referencing but I think even he had difficulty staying on the positive train. It comforts me to know that Jesus wasn’t always thinking about rainbows and cupcakes. Makes him more relatable. And that makes me believe his word more. This week I plan to spend more time focusing on pure, lovely and commendable things in hopes of eliminating some negativity from my life. I'd challenge anyone reading this to do the same. 

Dear God,

Help me understand that it’s okay to have an “off day”. Help me understand that the “off day” ends and a new more positive day begins. Help me see more of what is pure, lovely and commendable. Thank you for loving me regardless of whether I see your world as half full or half empty. Give a hug to my mom. Amen. 

365 days.

Dear mom,

Well, it’s been a year since you’ve been gone. I still remember everything about March 17, 2014 at 6:35 pm. I remember the smells, the emotions and the sound of the monitor not making a sound. I remember thinking “this is it…my life’s over”. I remember crying hysterically and realizing that you would never be able to do so many things again. I’d never hear “I love you”, you’d never see me graduate, you’d never meet my husband and you’d never meet your grandkids. It was somewhere along this list of ‘nevers’ that I realized you were finally at peace. Somewhere amidst my hysterical crying and ranting and yelling at hospital staff I realized that this was the best thing that could have happened to you at this point in the battle against cancer. I realized I had to grow up and be brave – not only for myself, but for my family and my friends. At 22 I didn’t really expect to lose the most influential person in my entire life, but that’s life and that’s just it…you can’t plan this kind of crap. I’m not sure why I expected you to be like Dumbledore and live forever…but I think when you’re growing up you just do. You expect them to be there every step of the way. You expect them to send you care packages and listen to all your self-absorbed problems. You expect them to give you words of wisdom when you don’t get an award or get dumped by a jerk. For me, most of those expectations went out the window on August 11, 2013 the day you started seizing uncontrollably. You were never quite the same after that episode of seizures. You needed to learn to communicate, walk and use your hands again. I remember shortly after you arrived home (for the first time since August 9) in October we let you peel the shrimp. 45 minutes later we were able to cook the shrimp and finish the meal. It was that day I officially learned about patience. Looking back I can remember always wanting to be with you and helping you with everything – especially in the kitchen. What would have taken you 10 or 15 minutes to whip up took an additional 20 or 30 because I was “helping”. That quote about life not being a destination and it being about the journey really hit me hard. Watching you peel those shrimp with such little coordination and such strong determination I was suddenly so thankful for all those times you gave me a chance and watched me behave the same way.

I remember spending my 22 birthday with you at Lake Taylor Rehab center last year. I walked into an empty hospital room – you were nowhere to be found. As my heart was racing a million miles a minute every bad thing that could have possibly happened was going through my head. A nurse saw me beginning to panic and brought me down to the physical therapy room. I watched through the big glass windows as you practiced walking around the room with your old lady walker and little assistance. I could have watched you for hours. I was so proud of that woman that once watched me walk across a room. As soon as you saw me though the PT for the day was done because you were more focused on telling the therapists how much you loved me and how proud of me you were. I remember wheeling you back to your room and spending the day talking about all the things you’d been able to re-learn. Your words weren’t all back yet so I had to guess which ones you were trying to say. Sometimes it was frustrating because you couldn’t articulate what you felt or meant, but other times it was hysterical trying to understand what you were asking or saying. I never thought it’d be my last birthday with you, but I’m so thankful I was able to spend that time with you and learn about humility and love. Even while you were fighting this stupid disease with everything you had – you’d talk about us, tell the nurses how important or special we all were and make sure we were okay. Whenever you would lean back to take a nap the last thing you’d say was “where’s Michael”. You knew there was nothing you could do, but you were constantly thinking about what others could do for him. You are the reason I believe in selfless love.  

This year has really been focused on finding things to live for and exhibiting inner strength at all times. When you were sick there was a sense of adrenaline inside of me that kept me going and doing a million things at one time because I knew it had to be done. Now that you’re gone it’s sometimes harder for me to preform these selfless acts of love because it’s seemingly unappreciated or unwanted. Nevertheless, when push comes to shove I’ve managed to get everything I could have ever wanted accomplished. In August, I unexpectedly met the man of my dreams. He’s everything you would have wanted for me. He’s charming and kind. Smart and stable. And more importantly he’s fun and makes me better. You never officially met him and never will, but I have to believe you’ve known him all along. Every time my heart was broken by some jerk you would tell me that I just haven’t found the one. You knew I’d find someone wonderful and that he was actually out there no matter how many times I lost hope. Every description you’d ever given me about Mr. Right was foreshadowing to when I met Matt. Dad, Michael and I went to see the Neptune Festival fireworks this year at the Oceanfront. I brought Matt along because by October he was already a part of the family. We were sitting on the beach when all of a sudden the first firework lit up the sky. I turned to Matt smiling like a kid in a candy store and he said “do you hear that”? I turned to the boardwalk and heard an all too familiar sound, “Good Riddance” by Green Day. Matt recognized the song immediately from stories I’d told about you and that song being your ringtone. At that moment I knew that you were at peace and approved of Matt. I don’t remember hearing any other songs play after that – I just remember the boom and bang of the fireworks across the ocean. Moments like these aren’t coincidental. I think they represent the promise you made to always be here and to always be an active part of our lives. As painful as it will be one day to walk down an aisle, say I do and start a family – I know you’ll be there…just not in the way I had always dreamed.

When I think back to making your list of “nevers”, I think about my own list. If you had never passed away, I wouldn’t have had to grow up so quickly. While I could totally deal with that – it’s nice to be independent and do things for myself. I never would have had an internship at Apricot Lane last summer. Due to being completely absorbed with your illness school had taken the back burner and I was never able to apply for internships. The dean of my department at ODU sent me an email and said “this is your last chance, apply now”. It was at this internship that I met a girl who would give me a tip about Dollar Tree’s CORE Merchandising program. I never would be working for Dollar Tree Corporate in July, if it weren’t for this internship and your diagnosis. It’s amazing how things come full cycle. I still remember the day before you seized, telling me on the dock at Smith Mountain Lake that everything happens for a reason. Things work out in the end if you allow them to. I maintain that positive things do come from tragedies…you just have to change your focus and choose to dwell in positivity instead of negativity and despair. I never would have had my charity fashion show that was amazingly success for the American Cancer Society and my sanity, if it weren’t for you. It was a brilliant coping mechanism that brought so many unrelated people to Hampton Roads to celebrate your life and change the face of Cancer from something unknown to the reality that Cancer affects us all. Through this show I developed a #Cancerstrong mentality and awareness. Honestly, I think that’s the best thing I’ve done with my life and I’m so proud to have done it in your honor.

I graduate in May and will start working my first big girl job in July. I’m really not sure how I’ve managed to be successful in my academics and jobs through all the heart ache and tragedy we’ve endured this year. I don’t know what will become of me – I don’t know if I’ll stay with Dollar Tree for 30 years - I don’t know if I’ll get married or have 3 kids and live in Virginia Beach. But if there’s anything being #Cancerstrong has taught me, it’s being thankful for the unknown and embracing every day like it’s your last. You were so many wonderful things to so many different people but all of those things worked to change and enhance their lives in positive ways. You never took a day for granted and embraced everyone and everything with open arms. Every day I learn more about the amazing legacy you left behind for me to follow and I learn more about the legacy I’m establishing for myself. I don’t know who exactly this blog has reached or what my social media has done to their minds or hearts, but I know it’s had over 15,000 views. Cancer and death isn’t something to be silent about. It’s okay to be upset. It’s okay to grieve. It’s okay to feel alone. But it’s even better to talk about it and fight the fight boldly in front of the community. It’s my mission to share the good that you started and I won’t stop until it’s my turn to go.

I love you big,

Katie  

I promise.

Growing up, we're taught about promises. We learn about promises from stories, our families and friends. As a child you're promised a reward if you're well behaved. As a teenager you make promises with you girlfriends not to tell Johnny that Susie actually likes him a lot. Unless of course, Johnny liked Susie and then you were a bad friend for not breaking that promise. In adult life you start to do something crazy...you start making promises to yourself. You promise yourself that you'll never gain 489365896 pounds or that you'll stop giving your heart to the 'bad boy' and look for someone decent you might marry. We all make promises without considering what these phrases and words really mean to someone else or even ourselves. I never understood the power of a promise until March 11, 2014 when I was hanging over my mom's bedside begging her not to leave me. For whatever reason, I resorted to making all of these promises to her while she opened and closed her eyes slowly fading away.

I made all kinds of promises. I promised I'd finish school. I promised I'd take care of my dad and my siblings. I promised I'd be kinder and give people a chance. I promised I wouldn't give up on love or God. I'm sure I promised many more things in the heat of the moment, but these are the ones I remember saying aloud. She didn't make any comments during my whole "I promise" speech. I thought that maybe if I made her promises, it'd be easier for her to let go and pass on. I thought that maybe if I promised I'd do things, she wouldn't be so scared to leave because I promised I'd carry on. After making all of these seemingly empty promises I just kept saying "I love you" over and over and over again until I was almost yelling at her in the hospital bed. I remember holding her hand and watching her mouth the words "I love you" back at me. It wasn't really until tonight, almost a year later, that I recognized the phrase "I love you" as a promise too. We're taught about love being something very special that illuminates your face and warms your heart. We must use that phrase wisely and tell others often if that's really how we feel about them. We are able to love and make that promise because God has promised to love us.

When I think about my mom and her 9 month battle with cancer, I can't help but think of all the life she had left to live. I can't help but think about all the things we never got to do together or experience in this life. She'll miss my college graduation, my wedding day and one day her grandchildren being born. She physically won't be present for these momentous events, but her promises of love will definitely be there. You see, my mother adored us. All of us. All 6 of us because everyone knows she loved our dog more than any person should love a pet on this planet. I am able and willing to love others because she raised me to be that way. My heart aches often because there's a permanent hole that her presence in my life once filled. But her love surrounds us in ways I'm unable to explain every moment of every day. She insisted that we are all to live a life expressing love and appreciation for others because it's what God has called us to do.

The devotion for today is from Ecclesiastes 5:4-7 and talks about keeping your promises to God. We are able to make any kind of promise we want, but we are required to follow through. Follow through is difficult for many people - or maybe just those of us in our self absorbed twenties. Either way, we should continue to promise and live out the commandments of our Lord. As a child of God and an Ambassador for Christ it's my mission to make sure that every day is Valentine's Day to someone. My boyfriend is deployed and talking to him is near impossible sometimes so I've learned to make the most of every second. I've learned it's not really about the quantity of what you say, but more about quality. Every chance I get I tell him how proud I am, how thankful I am and how much I adore him being a part of my life. I don't think the frequency of which I use the phrase "I love you" makes it any less meaningful. People enjoy being told how you make them feel. I don't think my mom was annoyed when I told her probably thirty times a day how much I loved her. I find myself using the phrase I love you in every day conversations to friends and family. Why should I hoard God's promise for myself? I was designed to share it with the world and so were you.  

Dear God,
Help us to live boldly. Help us to love others - even when we don't want to sometimes. Teach us to make promises to one another that we can keep. Encourage us to keep our promises to you. I love you. Amen.

#newyear #sameme

The new year brings new hope, aspirations and beginnings for everyone. It’s a chance to test a new mindset or string of attitudes. It’s a chance to try a new hobby or travel destination. I don’t know a sole that goes into the new year wanting everything to remain the same. Everyone is always looking to advance, upgrade or improve whether it’s their physical fitness, their electronics or personal finances – everyone is searching for change. This new year has been much needed for my family and I. I wasn’t necessarily looking for change because I’ve received enough of that this year, but for a new beginning – a chance to put the junk of 2014 behind me. There was much heartbreak, drama and tragedy. 2015 will be better by default, but I can do everything in my power to ensure that it’s the best year yet. I’m sure you’ve all seen the hashtag and phrase “new year, new me”. It’s never too late to make a change and become better than you’ve been. I don’t know why we wait for January 1 of any year to make that change, but I’m thankful for the opportunity January 1 provides for my friends, family and community. This year I’d like to continue the positive changes I’ve made in my life changing this motto to “new year, same me”. I plan to search for new hopes, new goals, new hobbies and new insights in the same skin I’ve finally grown used to. I understand that snakes shed their old skin to make room for the new every 3-4 months. It’s taken me 23 years to grow into the skin I’ve got and there’s still room to grow a little more; I’ve learned that I’m awkward, kind, ditsy and motivated. I’ve learned that I can truly accomplish anything I put my mind to and that I’m a force to be reckoned with in a presentation room. The greatest lesson I’ve learned is that I am loved by many as a child of God in this skin that’s been mine for 23 years – that’s reason right there for my explanation of “new year, same me”.  

I’m 23 and at that awkward stage in life where everyone is posting engagement rings and career moves on social media. I can’t help but compare my life to theirs because they’re my peers and it feels weird to not be joining them in these momentous stages of life. I don’t know what it is about being a 20 something but you feel as if everything revolves around you at all times. There’s something about being obsessed with your friends and everything that happens in their lives – then equating that to what’s happening in yours. Since August 11, 2013 I’ve been obsessed with my friends’ lives and how mine doesn’t even begin to compare. At first it was very upsetting to me and now I think a little differently – it’s okay to be different and experience different stages of life without modeling your actions or feelings on what someone else has done. It’s okay to forge your own path and make your own mistakes. Are you ever really living if you base your decisions on what works best for other people?

I’ve started running to clear my head and calm all of life’s anxiety that I just can’t shake off. I started using an elliptical because it was easier on my joints. I always switched the screen to a race track setting so that I could measure how far I was running. I would run 2 miles every day regardless of whether the screen was visible or not; but something about watching myself digitally cross the 2 mile finish line made the screen worthwhile. It’s easy to feel good about the decisions you’re making when you see the outcome in-front of you. I had coffee today with a dear friend and engaged many conversations about previous “mistakes” and “misfortunes” that happened throughout our lives. For the first time I could finally see that these “mistakes” I’ve thought of for so many years were actually blessings and lessons learned in their own way. I wouldn’t be the person I am without all of these misfortunes. I wouldn’t understand the joy of being loved and loving others if my heart hadn’t been broken so many times. I wouldn’t understand the commitment and challenges it takes to maintain a family if my mother hadn’t passed away early. I wouldn’t be the devoted Christian I am, if my faith hadn’t been tested so many times. Each person is different and cannot be compared to another – my life decisions are my own and impact the course of my life; it’s not my job to stalk social media to see whether I match up with my friends or peers. God’s will determines my fate and that’s more comforting than I ever thought. God challenges us through forces we can and cannot see – he doesn’t provide cancer or seek misfortune on anyone. He gives us the tools to cope and rise above illness and despair. This year I’ve made decisions to follow my dreams through leaps of faith and supportive friends and family with God’s hand guiding me on paths that at times are pretty lonely and scary. Knowing my mother, she’s probably back-seat driving and annoying the mess out of God in his attempts to guide me down different paths. Her presence remains strong and impactful in my everyday life even though she has passed on; some things I just can’t explain because I know she had a hand in them.

The passage from my Stocking Stuffer devotional is from John 10:14-15; it reads, “I am the good shepherd; I know my own sheep, and they know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father. So I sacrifice my life for the sheep”. I liked this passage because it’s humbling to think of yourself as a sheep, wandering around feeding on grass, seed or whatever it is that sheep eat avoiding wolves and carnivorous animals. I find it comforting that even though we are sheep, God knows everything about us that makes us different and unique because He is our shepherd – our caretaker and confidant. He doesn’t compare us to our peers or judge us for our previous decisions or misfortunes. Frankly, I don’t think He cares about any of those things; He’s more concerned with loving us and keeping us as His own, guiding us on our own individualized paths through life. He teaches us through our decisions and life circumstances to love one another and find hope in each new day and year. And once we find it, He encourages us to share the Good News with the world. This new year, I encourage you to become your best self – learning from misfortunes, giving hope to those that need it most and continuing the good you started in 2014. May 2015 be the best year yet. 

Euyore vs. Tigger

We live in a world that's anxious to point fingers and blame innocent bystanders. We live in a world that demands answers for seemingly impossible situations. It'd be so nice if I could pin-point the person or thing that gives people cancer. If I could look that person in the eye and say some choice words - maybe I'd feel better. Cancer is like the big bully in school that you could never quite stand up to. They were always just a little too big, ugly and intimidating. When things don't go my way I find someone or something to blame. It's not right, but chances are you search for something to blame too. My first instinct isn't to solve the problem - it's to figure out who/what caused it and dwell on that for a while.

When Caroline and I were little we refused to go to sleep when we were told. Actually, we refused to do a lot of things (I spent a lot of time in time out) but bed time was always an unwritten 'option'. Our parents would sing to us, pray with us, tuck us into our beds and go downstairs to watch TV. Caroline and I were separated by a small hallway in our old house and I could hear the steps creak when my parents fled the scene. I would always invite Caroline into my room so we could play a little bit longer. Now, I know it comes across as me wanting to spend time with my sister...but I had other motives. I enjoyed playing with Caroline...on my terms. I was just lucky she was too little to figure out what those terms were. I invited her into my room because when my parents would catch us, she would be the one that got in trouble. I would always complain that she just came into my room wanting to play with me and kept me from sleeping. Caroline would sulk back to her room distraught that she was in trouble. I never wanted to be the one to compromise or get into trouble. My parents never grounded us or spanked us or really punished us in any way. When we were really young we were put in time out for a few minutes, but as we got older the whole "I'm disappointed in you" phrase was pulled out and we were putty in their hands. I'm not really sure when that phrase was started, but I remember thinking "would my mom be okay with this" on a regular basis through all ages of my life. This phrase probably explains why I've never had an reckless college nights or failing grades. I've been a straight arrow all of my life because I've never wanted to give my parents any reason to point fingers and blame someone or me for my behavior.

Tonight I reached for the devotional my mom gave me and found scripture from John. It's a passage all about blame, assumption and judgment. You see, the Pharisees judge a blind man, questioning why he was born without sight. They assume it's because of his sins or the sins of his parents. However, Jesus throws them a curveball - he spits on the ground, makes mud and rubs it on the blind mans eyes. The blind man washes the mud from his eyes and suddenly can see. Jesus says, "I entered this world to render judgment - to give sight to the blind and to show those who think they see that they are blind". I think a lot of the world is blind. I am blind most of the time. There are things I should see, people I should help and things I should do.

In this life I think there are two kinds of people. There are Euyores and Tiggers (Yes, this is a Winnie the Pooh reference). The Euyore people of the world are those that are always the victim of bad and upsetting situations. They are the ones that sit alone and wallow in self pity. The Tigger people of the world are those that don't let negativity slow them down. They choose to find the positive silver lining in every grim situation and keep moving forward with a spring in their step. When my mom was first diagnosed, my family was at the cross roads of becoming an Euyore group of people. Instead of caving into the pressures of grief and anxiety, we chose to be Cancerstrong Tiggers. My mom always encouraged my siblings and I to set goals and influence change. October 19 I invite you to attend an event that's aimed at effecting change for the Hampton Roads community. I am hosting a fashion show entitled Cancerstrong to celebrate with those that are survivors, honor those that have passed on and educate everyone else that doesn't understand anything about Cancer. I encourage you to come to this event and/or donate to the cause. I can't point fingers or blame anyone for my mom's Earthly departure, but I can do the best I can to change someone else's fate. Don't choose to be blind. Be the change. Be a Tigger.

John 9: 1-3, 6-7, 35, 39-41

#Cancerstrong Fashion Show Information
www.gofundme.com/Cancerstrong2014
www.facebook.com/Cancerstrong2014

Anniversary

A couple weeks ago we had vacation bible school at my church. As usual, I teamed up with my best girl to take on the 4 and 5 year old class. Last year we had 4 kids that were precious, sweet and obedient. This year we had 11 kids that were independent and wild. It’s one of the most rewarding weeks of my summer because I am able to help foster and witness the Holy Spirit moving through these little people. I learned a couple years ago that it’s impossible to teach 4 and 5 year olds specific stories in the bible and expect them to want to understand. This week of VBS was important for laying the foundation for their future in faith; instilling the gospel in each and every one of my 11 kids. Every day we honed in on two important concepts, Jesus loves you more than you know and He has called you by name. Each day we would attempt to throw in a bible verse for memorization purposes, but I was satisfied with reiterating the most important aspect of religion (in my opinion), God’s unconditional and never ceasing love. I know our kids had a great week because we played with a beach ball in the classroom, made playdoh pizzas, finger painted paper and everything else they could put their little hands on at FLC (Sorry maintenance) and ate sugary snacks all day long. It’s much harder to tell whether they grasped any of the gospel. On the last day of VBS a little boy approached me and said he had a question. He looked around to see if any of the other kids were listening before he gave me his question. He then moved very close to my face and said “I love you”. Remember in the Grinch when he feels love and his heart grows so big it bursts out of the box on the TV screen? That’s sorta how I felt. My heart was full. I smiled to this little boy and said “I love you too”. Immediately he smiled and responded “I love you more”. I know at least one child heard God’s good news that week.

That week of VBS really does a lot of good for our youth in the congregation. We expect to receive love from our friends, family, peers, etc. but we often forget to share it. God’s love is free, abundant, unconditional and never ceasing. It’s truly amazing. God’s love is pure, much like love from a child or a puppy. You could wrong a puppy over and over again and it would still run to you with love in its eyes every time you call. Children are the same way (to some extent). Working with children that week is an excellent form of birth control, but it’s also an eye-opening awakening of how important it is to give love. I’m convinced that little boy loved Maddie and I because we showed him love. We showed God’s love.  The best kind there is.

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my mom’s seizure and diagnosis. It was a rough day to say the least. I was overwhelmed by God’s great love demonstrated by friends and family that texted, called and brought baked goods to show that my mom had not been forgotten. August 11, 2013 was a day that changed my life forever. I had no idea the impact my mother had on so many until her illness became public. Our home phone rang off the hook, the mailman delivered letters in bags only designated for Santa and our fridge was always full. If you’ve seen the movie Frozen, it’s about two sisters who stick together after the loss of their parents. One of my favorite lines comes from Elsa when she finally comes to her senses, “love will thaw”. Love doesn’t fix everything that’s happened. Love doesn’t make my mom come back from Heaven. But love makes life on Earth bearable without her physically here.  I’ve been blessed by my church congregation, my sorority sisters and family members that show an abundance of love in hopes that it thaws the frozen parts of my heart.

A couple days ago I decided it would be a good idea to go through old text messages from my mom and find ones I wanted to save for a rainy day. It turned out to be a really horrible idea with me having several episodes of hysteria in disbelief that she's really gone forever. I can't think about it too long without becoming anxious and overwhelmingly upset. The first message I read ended with "love you". The second one did too. And the third. Turned out at the end of every texting conversation we ever had she said "love you" or "xoxox". My mom was a love expert. I'm convinced that she was sent by God to give love to the world. When I think back a year ago to August 12, my mom was hooked up to a million monitors and people were driving and flying from all ends of the Earth to visit her and help my family in some capacity. My church congregation had divied up responsibilities - someone picked up our dog from the kennel, someone organized meals to be delivered when we got home, someone mowed our lawn, someone cleaned our house, etc. There wasn't one moment since August 11, 2013 where I haven't felt God's love. I've been angry at God since then, but there's no denying He loves me. If He didn't love me, He wouldn't have given us so many witnesses of His good works. This time last year our pastor, who was on vacation at the time, and two of my mom's best friends made the trek to Roanoke, VA to be with us in our time of tragedy and crisis before her fate was known. I remember sitting down to dinner that night to a meal provided by a friend of the family that I've never met. I remember eating a piece of bread. I remember being sick to my stomach and having mascara permanently stuck to my cheeks. But more importantly, I can remember the atmosphere of the room - I remember it being really warm, everyone holding hands and praying. I remember everyone sobbing through the prayer. I remember saying Amen and watching everyone hug one another in no hurry of starting the meal. The love on "Mauney Island" as we nicknamed it, was so thick it almost formed an invincible bubble around the house. God was present that day, just as he's been every day of my life.

The hardest adjustment has been not hearing my mom's voice and not being able to hug her anytime I want. Again, can't dwell on that point otherwise I'll be a watery mess. But I know her love continues to surround my family - she's the glue that keeps us all together. My family has done a great job of making this year about us. We've experienced so many concerts, road trips, weddings, reunions and beach days together. You'd think we're sick of each other, but we're just getting started. You can either use tragedies to tear you apart or pull you closer together. I'm so thankful for the support system that is my immediate and extended family. God's love is present in each and every one of my clan whether they're 2 or 96. I expect that over time the pain won't be as intense and I won't cry over everything, but until then God's gonna love me through it. And there's nothing more I need.

We've completed our first year of being cancerstrong. It's been quite a roller coaster of emotions, and I am so thankful for everyone that's been on this crazy ride with us. We appreciate everything everyone has done for us and hope to return the favor whenever and however we can. Thanks be to God.