Today I went to the grocery store, made lunches, did a couple loads of laundry, cleaned the downstairs level of my house, cooked dinner and then cleaned my room - I think Cinderella and I switched places for the day. I've been very productive all day - but it's been quite an emotional struggle. I was in the grocery store with my 8 year old brother, who HAD to push the cart, and every other mom in America. Why don't dads grocery shop? Why don't teenagers grocery shop? Why does it have to be all moms? After I returned home with the groceries I met my sister for lunch at Moes. Caroline and I love Moes...it's our obsession/lifestyle choice. I look up from our booth and see that we're surrounded by little kids and their moms. Seriously? I didn't realize that Saturday at 1 pm was take your child to Moes day. Don't dads eat too? Earlier this evening I cleaned my room. I was carrying a pile of clean clothes to my dresser when I bumped into a shoebox left cattycorner on the edge of my desk. The box fell over and all its contents spilled out. While I stated a few choice words, I began to pick the clothes and the box contents back up. I saw a pink envelope with my name written on it. My name was written in my mom's handwriting. I tore it open as fast as I could to find an old Valentine's Day card from her and my dad. It wasn't so much what it said inside as it was seeing my mom's handwriting for the first time in a long time. I began to cry. My mom continues to tell me that sometimes a good cry makes everything better and more manageable. You let it all out and then you can refocus. It's times like this that I'm not so sure she's right.
Genesis 4:6-10, 13-15 talks about the relationship between God - Cain and Cain - Abel. It talks about jealousy. I know all about jealousy. On August 10 I was with my whole family, on a pontoon boat at Smith Mountain Lake. We had just gotten back to the dock from our morning outing. My phone rang and it was one of my good friends from home - I answered to brag about my boat ride but never got a chance to speak. He told me that one of my childhood friends attempted suicide this morning and she might have succeeded. She was in a hospital and in trouble. I remember hanging up the phone and hysterically crying. My mom helped me off the boat and back up to the house. I sat at the kitchen table with her and cried until I was gasping for air. I prayed all day for her and her family. I thought about how final death is...and how low you must feel to take your own life. I went to bed early that night and woke up at 3:15 in the morning to my mom having a seizure. My last day with my mom was spent dwelling on someone else's self-inflicted tragedy. My friend recovered after a few weeks and is fine now - thankfully. Suicide is a serious thing - it should never have to happen.
I see tweets from people on Twitter saying things like "I hate my life", "Shoot me now", "I wish I could end it all". In moments of jealousy and frustration I feel like tweeting back "DO IT". Nothing makes me more mad than seeing my peers say things like that...wanting to end their lives early when I know someone who would love nothing more than to continue living. My mom doesn't want to die. She's afraid and not ready. She has so much more to do in this world and so much more kindness and love to share. The world needs more people like her and less people wishing it would all end. It's easy to feel trapped in misery - take it from someone who knows. I see people with their moms on social media sites, on tv shows and in public places...my first thought isn't that I'm sad - it's that I'm jealous. Do they really love spending time with their mom? Do they talk crap about her behind her back? How would they feel without her in their life? I'm jealous that August 10 was wasted on someone else's poor decisions (especially since everything turned out fine) and I wasn't able to just play on the water with my mom. My last full conversation with her revolved around such a foreshadowing topic, that "everything happens for a reason".
I'm glad so many people have their moms throughout their entire life. I'm glad so many people are best friends with their moms. I'm glad there are so many people that truly look up to and respect their moms. Having 22 years with my best friend, role model and mom has been more of a blessing than I'll ever understand. These last 4 months have been different because we have a very different relationship than we did before. I still love her and idolize her because of her strength - but we can't communicate on the same level. She can't really give me relationship advice or talk at length about our trashy reality shows anymore...but she still tells me she loves me. She tells me at appropriate times and randomly. She tells me when I wake up and when she goes to bed. I'm jealous of others because they get to spend time doing the things my mom and I used to do together. I know my mom loves me and is thankful for the many things we do for her, but it's hard to not envy those in seemingly perfect relationships around me. The bible says "sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master". I don't know that this jealousy will ever go away completely, but there are certainly ways to better control it.
Practice makes perfect with everything in life. I'm aware that the world isn't a fair place, but I'm learning to make the best of the situations and moments I am given. We all have things that make us tick and bring out the worst green-eyed monster possible, but snapping at people on Twitter and crying hysterically aren't what God wants us to do. He wants us to reject our jealousy and promote love. He wants us to talk it out, turn to Him and let go of our problems. This is all waaaay easier said than done - but it's a step in the right direction to acknowledge that this is what He wants and what it takes to be a Christian. I am thankful for every moment spent with my mom and family of 5. I am thankful for her handwritten notes and continued signs of affection. Though our relationships are different than they used to be, they're still recognizable and valued. This situation is so hard, frustrating and unfair to all of us - we just need to remain as positive and thankful as we possibly can. Some days are worse than others and finding handwritten notes and old photographs don't make it any easier. While they're deeply upsetting showing that our life has drastically changed, they're also comforting reminders signifying that her spirit is still with us and will be in us forever.
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