Bonjour

This night one year ago was very different. It was a big night - my last night on USA soil for two weeks. May 25 I was headed to Paris, France to explore my love for fashion and design. I was traveling to a foreign country with 11 other women I didn't know very well. We had a loose itinerary and "free days" to plan activities for ourselves. We weren't going to have working cell phones and were given paper maps of the city to use. So, as you can imagine, at this point last year I was beyond panicked. I'm not sure why but whenever you're about to have a life altering event happen, people like to tell you everything that could potentially go wrong - or about bad experiences they've had. If I had a penny for every time someone said, "hope you don't get taken"...I'd have enough money to buy the city of Paris. All jokes aside, that was a legitimate concern and I was at a disadvantage because my dad wasn't Liam Neeson and he wouldn't be able to stop bad guys and save me. I was rooming with a girl that my teacher swore I would adore. Thankfully, she was right. Lauren and I quickly became Mary-Kate and Ashley on our two week excursion to France. I'll never forget when we landed - I've never been more terrified and excited in my whole life. We all filed off the plane and immediately declared that it was the best day of our lives. We spoke too soon. We had to take like 37 different means of transportation to get to our sleeping accommodations (it was more like 3 but felt like 37 because we were carrying our luggage with us the entire time). I should have paid more attention in our pre-trip meetings because I was thinking we would be staying in a hotel. Apparently, the word my teacher used was "hostel" and apparently I should have googled the word before I flew thousands of miles from my house. Lauren and I walked into our "room", shut the door and sat on the edge of our dingy beds thinking "what have we done". That first night I remember laying in my bed holding back tears because it was colder in France than I had thought (so I had packed all the wrong things), I was pretty sure there were bugs, dirt and possibly illegal substances in every nook and cranny of our closet-sized room and I knew I was stuck here for 10 more days. My parents had bought me a pre-paid international phone so I could text them while I was gone - the intent was so that I could send pictures or alert them if I had in fact been taken and transported into a human trafficking circle. I remember texting my mom and saying "I want to come home". She immediately called me and reassured me that everything would be fine. Well, it's been a year and I survived the two weeks in France - she was right yet again.

After that first night of culture and hostile hygiene shock I fell in love with the city of love. We went to all the Haute Couture shops and vintage boutiques in the city; but my favorite part was being a tourist and observing the styles on the street. Among many things, we visited the Lock Bridge, Notre Dome, The Louvre, and had an excursion to Reims for a day of Champagne tasting. We spent an afternoon in Luxembourg Gardens and an evening on top of the Eiffel Tower. At the time, these sights and precious moments of vulnerability were shared with 11 strangers. Over the course of those two weeks, I became very close with a few of these strangers and thankfully, these strangers have become some of my best friends. When you travel and problem-solve with random people in a foreign country, you learn you can get through just about anything with them in life; that definitely has been the case. I've had so many wonderful memories to reminisce over the past year from looking through photographs or re-reading journal entries I had written while we were in France. But my favorite memory of all has never been written down nor is there a picture of it happening.

This is a memory that has been ingrained in my head since the day we returned home and for that I am grateful. The day we were to fly home from France our flight was cancelled. At 2:30 am (USA time) I called home crying because "I was never coming home". My parents began looking into flights online and our 'mama bear' of the group was kindly harassing the flight desk demanding that we return home today. Somehow we managed to get home only 4 hours after we had originally planned - God is so good. Because we were a late flight, the gate at the end of the terminal was down at Norfolk International Airport. We were walking towards the gate and could see our families standing on the other side. I remember being so tired and emotionally drained from flying all day. I remember just being thankful to be on the ground for good. As I got closer to the gate I could see someone jumping up and down, calling out to security and rattling the gate. Low and behold the crazy woman was my mother. She was calling out to security officials telling them to lift the gate so we could come through the terminal. She was reaching out to me through the metal bars like I was a convict in a prison cell. I remember laughing out of embarrassment and thinking "what is wrong with you - I'm right in front of you - You can see that I'm okay". When the gate finally went up, my mom hugged me tighter and longer than she ever has before. I really don't think she's ever hugged me tighter than she did in that moment. And in that moment my eyes began to fill with tears because I was "home". She was "home".

My mom always encouraged me to follow my dreams and challenge my fears head on. I can confidently say that I never would have gone to France without her encouragement and persistence. That trip was the last gift she gave me. I brought back a painting of the Eiffel Tower, done by a street artist in the city. The picture now hangs in our kitchen - it almost looks like it was painted for that location. I remember giving it to her and her sighing. She was so relieved that I was alive and had a great time. It turns out she was more worried, anxious and scared than I was - but she never let it show because she knew it would be a good experience for me. As most can imagine, this weekend is hard for my family because a year ago we were celebrating my trip to France. And many many many years ago, my parents were celebrating their wedding day. May 25 is my parent's wedding anniversary. How do you celebrate when the love of your life is gone? I kinda wish tomorrow would never come - but it's inevitable. I'm thankful my dad has the three of us to keep him company. Today he visited me at work and surprised me with a cross ring - it symbolizes my mom's promise to him. In a strange kind of way it's a promise to us too. When they said "I do" many moons ago, they promised to love and support each other. They promised to do the best they could. They promised to compromise. They promised to do good works. I'd like to think that my brother, sister and I are part of the good works she's left behind. She's still very much a part of our lives - not an hour goes by where I don't think about her and her wonderful legacy.

The bible passage from my devotion for today is pretty cool, it's from Isaiah 40:25-31. I've picked out a couple of my favorite sections to share, "Look up into the heavens. Who created all the stars? He brings them out like an army, one after another, calling each by its name. Because of his great power and incomparable strength, not a single one is missing. How can you say the Lord does not see your troubles? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the Earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. Those who trust in the Lord will find new strength, They will soar high on wings like eagles." I believe that my mom is soaring. I believe that the Lord has a master plan. I don't agree with his plans - but I can respect that they're there. If I really think about my life, I can pull out moments where my mom unknowingly prepared me for her fight with cancer. I can pinpoint moments from the past and freak myself out thinking "woah, it's like she knew something would happen". God created all the stars and though they seem boring and tiny way up in the sky, they're pretty phenomenal works of art. My mom has a front row seat for every meteor shower and her view gets better every day. Thankfully, God never grows tired of our problems and He never falls short in helping us solve them. God's like the Paris metro - He stops for no one. He doesn't care if you've got overweight baggage or if you're wearing 4 inch wedges. He continues on re-routing and calculating alternate plans for you to prosper and find happiness. It may not be the happiness you thought you wanted or deserved, but I can guarantee it'll be the happiness you need. This year I've learned about love and loss. I've learned about strength and weakness. I've learned about hope and faith. I've learned those two are one in the same. I've found the new strength that's been promised by our Lord. I continue believing, not because it's easy, but because I desire to be better - to be more Christ-like and Christ-centered. I'm gonna let God handle the worrying and Liam Neeson action films. I'm gonna rely on my faith, family and friends to get me through the rest.

Cowgirl Up

Everything happens for a reason. Everything happens in its own time. These are the lessons God has taught me and continues to teach me every day. I struggle knowing that I can't plan everything out the way I think it should be. I struggle with understanding that people change. These last few weeks have been refreshing because I have been able to explore who I am and what I want. Every relationship and friendship you make teaches you something about what you find important and what you seek to give to the world. The other day I was talking with one of my best friends and we were talking about our inability to fall asleep these days - our heads are clouded with responsibilities and tasks left unfinished - our minds run a continuous race. We talked about the ways in which we would fall asleep when we were younger. I confessed that my mom would always sing me to sleep - she would sing Jesus songs to ease our anxiety and comfort us into a restful slumber. When my mom was occupied or refused to sing to me, I would call on my dad to get the job done. Bless that man's heart - he can't remember song lyrics to save his life. The only song he knows all of the words to without a cheat sheet, is Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. He would sing me that song any time I asked regardless of the season - He's the man. As I laid in bed, I thought about how I'd love to hear my mom's sweet voice or my dad's rendition of Rudolph; but, the reality is that as a 22 year old I can't be sung to sleep anymore. Things have to change and I have to grow up.

My mom never told me what to do. We also really never had any rules or curfews. I've never been grounded or put on restriction. Don't get me wrong, I was the sole reason why we had a "time-out chair" growing up...but those days only lasted until I was 6 or 7. I lost dessert very frequently because I am way too sassy and stubborn for my own good. But I was always encouraged to make my own decisions. My mom had a subtle way of making her view point known or proving that something was probably a bad idea. We talked all the time, about everything and everyone. There were never any secrets - we were best friends. I love that she knew everything, because she could usually make an informed opinion or judgement to back me up when I needed it. She would ask me a million questions, "does he make you happy? would you introduce him to grandma? does she gossip about people the whole time y'all communicate? are you proud of what she did?" These questions would encourage me to think about my friends and whether I was proud of my relationships. Through her hard-hitting questions I discovered that maybe I didn't actually think he was "the one" or maybe I should be more careful when choosing my friends. Life's a little trickier now - I have no sounding board. There are lots of people in the world to talk to, but nobody is as good at talking as my mom. I think the questions and decisions are harder because I feel like I live under a microscope. I feel like everyone is looking to me for some profound statement or proclamation about life and spoiler alert: I don't have one. The only thing I have to say is this: Live your life.

I get so wrapped up in making mistakes and dwelling on decisions I've made. I really need to stop over-thinking everything and learn to live in the moment. A couple summers ago I went to Colorado with my sister. We went out to the land of freedom and natural beauty because my sister and I couldn't get along. My mom shipped us out there to visit her best friend and get a huge dose of reality. Turns out there's more to life than walking around Lynnhaven Mall, curling your hair or scooping the newest copy of People Magazine. I came back with lots of crazy memories and hilarious stories. But more importantly, I came home with a renewed sense of self. I have a metal sign that hangs above my closet - it's the first thing I see when I wake up every morning. The sign is very simple and reads "Cowgirl up". That summer I learned the importance of being yourself - making decisions for yourself - treating everyone with respect and learning to just live life. Most of the time I get caught up in the hustle and bustle of every day life, but there are some days when it all just makes sense and feels right. Last Saturday I spent my day with sisters at a baseball game, saw the giant 40 ft duck chilling in the Hague and laughing hysterically at magic tricks performed by the world's creepiest old man at the Greek Festival. I had the time of my life - I had no one to report to, I did nothing wrong and I was finally living the way I'm supposed to. I was soaking up the sunlight, enjoying a pita full of lamb and shoving honey covered donuts into my mouth at an alarming pace. I could feel my mom's arms surrounding my friends and I as we enjoyed our youth and made memories that we wouldn't soon forget. Yesterday, someone burned popcorn in the microwave at work. I came home, changed into my comfy clothes and laughed to myself because I smelled like a bon fire. Instead of immediately throwing my dress and blazer in the wash, I hung them on the back of my door. Life's like the unexpected bon fire at work - you can't plan things without being slightly disappointed in the end. The only way to fully enjoy life is if you live in the moment because there's no chance of disappointment or regret. My dad tells me all the time that I can't be afraid to try new things. I can't be afraid to write people off because of a rumor or my own insecurities. He's the driving force behind my decisions these days and I'm thankful he's pushing me into meeting new people and having new experiences.

I've also been exploring my faith throughout this "live your life" movement I'm currently engaged in. I feel like God would instantly text me back if I initiated a conversation. I also think God's bold enough to use a read receipt on his messages just so you knew you were heard. I've started making plans for myself - not waiting on anyone or basing my plans on what the outcome might be. I have plans to travel to DC to tour museums and go to Nats games. I have plans to attend every country concert in VB this summer. I have plans to go to a Liverpool soccer game and James Taylor concert in Charlotte. I have a week at the beach on the books and a weekend at the lake with my family. I have so many things to look forward to and celebrate about life - it's too short to dwell in past decisions, good or bad. Life's too short to dwell on the people that bring constant negatively into your life or unnecessary anxiety and unhappiness. We all deserve to be happy and make decisions that bring out our best selves. I take comfort in Matthew 6:34, "therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself". God's basically telling us to put a cork in it and live the life he's providing. He can handle all our burdens and worries. He is choosing to handle everything for us. We just need to get out there and LIVE.

Dear God,
Help me to loosen the reins. Help me to take a step back and live life according to your terms. Help me see how beautiful the world around me is and allow me to live the life you're planning for me. Encourage me to live the life my mom would have wanted for me. Thank you for giving me glimmers of hope in my siblings and friends. Thank you for constantly picking me up when I'm down and giving me another day to try again. Thank you for reminding me to "Cowgirl up" and live. Amen.

Mother's Day

There's nothing I hate more than waking up early. Early to me is anytime before noon. That whole "the early bird gets the worm" thing just doesn't even come close to appealing to me. I say, let that bird get that worm cause in a few hours he won't be hungry and I'll snatch the next one. The worst is when you're dreaming and you wake up too soon and are left to wonder what happened in your dream. A week or so ago I had a dream about my mom and I can't stop thinking about it. My mom was sitting on a cloud watching me live life and go through my daily routine. She was opening doors for me so that I could walk through and explore new territories. She was closing certain doors behind me as well. I tried to talk to someone about my dream and attempted to Google what a dream like this could possibly mean...but didn't really gain any new understanding. The past couple days have been eerily suspicious because in more ways than one doors have been opened and closed. And it's comforting for me to think about my mom continuing to participate in my life. This past weekend I was able to get away from the hustle and bustle of life in VB and spend quality time with my family and my mom's best friend. It was a time of refocus and renewal. For three days I was able to tune the world out, dig my toes into the sand and soak up the sun. My heart has been suffering a lot since my mom passed - I'm desperate to find and feel love. I'm desperate to be a priority to someone, but I've been searching in all the wrong places. I've realized that sometimes it's better to walk away and allow time to tell the rest of the tale. This weekend I allowed my heart to be open to God and talk about feelings and emotions with two people I love the most - my dad and my mom's best friend. I started to wonder if the doors my mom was opening and closing for me had anything to do with my relationships and friendships - those that are damaging and those that bring great joy.

Without a doubt, I believe that one door my mother was opening led to the store front of Apricot Lane. Other students in the fashion merchandising program at ODU have been planning their internships for months. I, on the other hand, had a lot more to worry about than college this semester and didn't realize the importance of having an internship this summer. Through an act of God, I found the most perfect one ever. Everything has worked out and I am in love with the store and those that work beside me. I know my mom would be so proud of me for everything I've been able to accomplish this year and having this internship is the cherry on top. I intend to go places with my life and this internship is the first step in that process of gaining independence and rebuilding confidence in myself and in my degree. The door that shut in this case, was the door to my insecurity. I've never had a retail job before so I had absolutely no qualifications for employment at this boutique. They took a risk with me and for that I am so thankful - constantly amazed at the ways in which God works in my life.

My last thought about doors is that holidays like Mother's Day, Father's Day and Valentine's Day are stupid and useless. That's right. I'm not saying that cause I'm bitter or a jerk. I'm saying it because your mother, father, and loved one should be appreciated and celebrated all day, every day and they should know it. I understand that these are commercial holidays created by the industry so you feel pressure to buy flowers or jewelry or make pancakes to deliver to someone in bed only to have syrup all over your sheets and comforter for weeks. How many people buy flowers for their loved one on other days of the year? How many buy a card to mail, just because? How many people make their significant other toast or bring them lunch at work for no particular reason? Why is it that we wait for these crazy stupid holidays to appreciate the ones we love? On Mother's Day I received several kind text messages, facebook messages, instagram posts and phone calls. It was sweet that others thought of me and reached out to let me know they cared. I received several "today must be hard for you" messages...and if you sent one of those, you'd be 100% correct. Mother's Day was a difficult day for my family charged with raw emotion and anger. However, you'd be correct in texting me every single day with that message, "today must be hard for you". I don't care if it's Great Grandmother's Twice Removed Cousin's Day - that day would still be difficult for my family and I. Mother's Day is a sad excuse for spoiled kids to "thank" their mother's and complain about having to spend the day with the family. It's a day where all of a sudden, you have to celebrate someone else and put them first. We don't do a good job of remembering to put others first - myself included. I've gotten better over this past year, because I've been forced to do better. Thankfully, my parents and I have always had an open door policy. We've always been encouraged to share feelings and thoughts and openly appreciate and love one another.

The hardest part of losing my mother was that she wasn't just a parental figure - she was my friend and loyal companion. She was my advocate and confidant. We celebrated Mother's Day, Father's Day and Valentine's Day every single day of the last 22 years. We never went to bed upset with each other because we wouldn't be able to sleep. I remember the good ole days in middle school (which weren't really the good ole days) when my mom and I would disagree. She would never yell - she would just throw out that "I'm disappointed" phrase and the argument or disagreement was over and I would flee to my room and sob. I remember many nights, writing my mom notes to leave on her pillow apologizing for every not nice thing I said or did that disappointed her. I would leave the note on her pillow so that she would see it before bed and we would be fine in the morning. That's what was cool about my mom - she never admitted to winning a fight. After it was over, you'd never hear another word about it. If she held a grudge, I never knew it. A could days after my mom passed away we went through her bedside drawer. I found every single note I left on her pillow over the years. My mom really knew how much I loved and appreciated her. For that, I am thankful.

When I think about Angels, I think about my mom. She had a unique purpose on this Earth. She was here to do better for others - to show others that they deserved more. It's not okay to settle on happiness - you deserve to be over the top, world series game winning home run kind of happy. It's not okay to settle on employment - you deserve to be doing your dream job and working hard for what you love and support. It's not okay to settle on disagreeing - you should work to understand and seek to compromise so that nobody is left hurting. My mom might not physically be with me anymore, but she's continuing to teach me lessons from Heaven and draw me closer to God and scripture. There's a passage from Colossians that speaks to me tonight, "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him". We need to be Christ like and allow our hearts to speak out and demand the respect, attention and love we deserve. We need to rejoice in our ability to live life and cherish every moment spent with those we love and value. We need to give thanks for those that hurt us, love us and inspire us to do better. We need to do better for others, not just on Mother's Day, Father's Day and Valentine's Day...but every day because it is God's will. This summer I intend to follow my heart and strive to find inner happiness in my friends, my internship and my job. I intend to dive deeper into my relationship with God because it is the most important and honest relationship I have. God has continued my time on Earth because I am capable of so much more - I have no idea what I can do for myself or for others, but I'm so excited to continue this journey and find out.

Stupid Girl

I read a book yesterday. A whole entire book in one day. I hate reading - public school ruined me from reading for pleasure. I had to read a bunch of "classics" that are impossible to get through and understand. My mom loved to read and I never understood why. She would sit on the couch and read for hours. You'd have an entire conversation with the woman only for her to look up from her book and say "I'm sorry, did you say something?" I finally understand what it feels like to not be able to put a book down. I read "How to be a Hepburn in a Hilton World". Most of you probably think, because of it's title, that it is an extension of People Magazine...but it's totally not. I'll admit, the lingo is hip and the references are super hilariously modern, but the message is true for women of all ages. Let me share the lessons I've learned from 212 pages of text. First and foremost, there is something called "stupid girl syndrome". I witness it all the time and it's amplified because I'm in a sorority. I'll be the first to defend sororities and explain that my organization is different from the rest, but as a whole we are completely and entirely too dependent on social media outlets. These outlets contribute to the "stupid girl". The book goes on to address these medias and explains that we work ourselves up into a frenzy over things that ultimately don't matter and are out of our control. I know I spend hours obsessing over someone's photo-shopped profile picture wondering why I don't compare. I spend hours wondering how "he" could date "her". I spend hours flipping through old conversations with boys I thought were totally into me...only to discover that they were interested in what I appeared to be. Being a "stupid girl" isn't complicated at all. We let our emotions get the best of us and make decisions without thinking.

Another lesson in the book is to let guys be guys. Guys want something/someone to chase. If we chase them - what are they supposed to do? If you meet a decent guy (if they exist) and you exchange numbers...don't text him first or call him. Let him call you because if he's really interested, he will. If he does call, don't immediately Facebook friend request him. It all goes back to that movie "He's Just Not That Into You". For years I've responded immediately, counted days between a call, arranged my social media so that it would be appealing to the opposite sex and obsessed over every last word of a conversation and what it actually meant. After reading this book, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I finally understand what the author is talking about and what my friends and mother have told me for years. If a guy wants you to be a part of his life, he will make you a priority. If he wants to talk to you, he will find a way. You should never have to prove yourself to a guy because he should know how great you really are. I understand this is the 21st century and women should be able to open doors for themselves and call a guy first. But the point remains that by instantly friend requesting, sending multiple texts at a time and hanging on every word just makes us women look desperate. Personally, I'm not about looking desperate. So I plan to stop recycling boys I've previously dated and just be myself.

I think it's really cool and really sad that this book has so drastically changed my perspective of life. I feel more confident because I actually have nothing to lose. If someone doesn't like me, I should move on because there's someone else out there who actually will. The book also addresses a topic that's really challenging for me. The book talks about letting go of people that hold you back/people you don't actually like. I have a really hard time saying "no" to people because I don't want to hurt their feelings. Growing up I didn't have many friends and so I feel bad every time I'm asked to do something by someone I don't really like. The book explains that there is someone out there who will enjoy their company and to let them be free. That doesn't mean you should go up to them and say "our friendship has expired". It just means that you decline their offer and casually distance yourself. There are so many people in my life that just don't need to be a part of it. There are so many people that I find myself tip-toeing around because I'm afraid they'll ask me to do something or talk to me about personal stuff when I don't really care about them. That sounds bad, but everyone reading this knows what I mean. There's always that person who thinks you're closer with them than you actually are - it's super annoying and uncomfortable. So let me drop some knowledge on you: put yourself first. The people who put effort into a friendship or relationship won't let you go. You'll very quickly realize who your close friends are and those are really the only people you should want around.

Ultimately, the book just explains how important it is to be yourself. This is something I've struggled with for years and I largely blame boys and media. I was bullied by girls growing up but I don't think that's really what blew my confidence. I watch shows like the Bachelorette on TV and assume that I'm supposed to look, think and dress that way. I've tried dressing and looking and acting like an idiot around people I'm desperate to impress and I have nothing to show for it. I'm 5'2". I have dirty blonde hair and freckles on my cheeks and nose. I love duck dynasty and almost everything on the taco bell menu. I'll be the first one in the stands of any sporting event rain or shine. I actually really love my university. And I own yoga pants and workout clothes that have never seen the inside of a gym. I need to embrace that girl because that girl is who I am. For so many years I've hid behind what I thought were flaws - the things that make me different - and it's time I own up to who I am and kick all the negativity to the curb. I encourage you to kick the negativity in your lives to the curb as well. Finally, once the negativity is gone...you can let in the things and people that ultimately matter.

Since my mom's cancer I've opened back up to my relationship with God and the church. It's been a love/hate relationship for quite some time. I don't understand why things happen and I'm not happy about losing my mother. But putting God in the corner is not going to help me at this point in my life, or ever. By kicking all the negative people and situations out of my life, I have more time for prayers and thanksgivings to be made to God. I can't think of anyone I'd rather have more time for than my maker. You can be the you you've always wanted to be - you just need to reject the things that make you crazy and adopt the things that make you better. Start today!