Cowgirl Up

Everything happens for a reason. Everything happens in its own time. These are the lessons God has taught me and continues to teach me every day. I struggle knowing that I can't plan everything out the way I think it should be. I struggle with understanding that people change. These last few weeks have been refreshing because I have been able to explore who I am and what I want. Every relationship and friendship you make teaches you something about what you find important and what you seek to give to the world. The other day I was talking with one of my best friends and we were talking about our inability to fall asleep these days - our heads are clouded with responsibilities and tasks left unfinished - our minds run a continuous race. We talked about the ways in which we would fall asleep when we were younger. I confessed that my mom would always sing me to sleep - she would sing Jesus songs to ease our anxiety and comfort us into a restful slumber. When my mom was occupied or refused to sing to me, I would call on my dad to get the job done. Bless that man's heart - he can't remember song lyrics to save his life. The only song he knows all of the words to without a cheat sheet, is Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. He would sing me that song any time I asked regardless of the season - He's the man. As I laid in bed, I thought about how I'd love to hear my mom's sweet voice or my dad's rendition of Rudolph; but, the reality is that as a 22 year old I can't be sung to sleep anymore. Things have to change and I have to grow up.

My mom never told me what to do. We also really never had any rules or curfews. I've never been grounded or put on restriction. Don't get me wrong, I was the sole reason why we had a "time-out chair" growing up...but those days only lasted until I was 6 or 7. I lost dessert very frequently because I am way too sassy and stubborn for my own good. But I was always encouraged to make my own decisions. My mom had a subtle way of making her view point known or proving that something was probably a bad idea. We talked all the time, about everything and everyone. There were never any secrets - we were best friends. I love that she knew everything, because she could usually make an informed opinion or judgement to back me up when I needed it. She would ask me a million questions, "does he make you happy? would you introduce him to grandma? does she gossip about people the whole time y'all communicate? are you proud of what she did?" These questions would encourage me to think about my friends and whether I was proud of my relationships. Through her hard-hitting questions I discovered that maybe I didn't actually think he was "the one" or maybe I should be more careful when choosing my friends. Life's a little trickier now - I have no sounding board. There are lots of people in the world to talk to, but nobody is as good at talking as my mom. I think the questions and decisions are harder because I feel like I live under a microscope. I feel like everyone is looking to me for some profound statement or proclamation about life and spoiler alert: I don't have one. The only thing I have to say is this: Live your life.

I get so wrapped up in making mistakes and dwelling on decisions I've made. I really need to stop over-thinking everything and learn to live in the moment. A couple summers ago I went to Colorado with my sister. We went out to the land of freedom and natural beauty because my sister and I couldn't get along. My mom shipped us out there to visit her best friend and get a huge dose of reality. Turns out there's more to life than walking around Lynnhaven Mall, curling your hair or scooping the newest copy of People Magazine. I came back with lots of crazy memories and hilarious stories. But more importantly, I came home with a renewed sense of self. I have a metal sign that hangs above my closet - it's the first thing I see when I wake up every morning. The sign is very simple and reads "Cowgirl up". That summer I learned the importance of being yourself - making decisions for yourself - treating everyone with respect and learning to just live life. Most of the time I get caught up in the hustle and bustle of every day life, but there are some days when it all just makes sense and feels right. Last Saturday I spent my day with sisters at a baseball game, saw the giant 40 ft duck chilling in the Hague and laughing hysterically at magic tricks performed by the world's creepiest old man at the Greek Festival. I had the time of my life - I had no one to report to, I did nothing wrong and I was finally living the way I'm supposed to. I was soaking up the sunlight, enjoying a pita full of lamb and shoving honey covered donuts into my mouth at an alarming pace. I could feel my mom's arms surrounding my friends and I as we enjoyed our youth and made memories that we wouldn't soon forget. Yesterday, someone burned popcorn in the microwave at work. I came home, changed into my comfy clothes and laughed to myself because I smelled like a bon fire. Instead of immediately throwing my dress and blazer in the wash, I hung them on the back of my door. Life's like the unexpected bon fire at work - you can't plan things without being slightly disappointed in the end. The only way to fully enjoy life is if you live in the moment because there's no chance of disappointment or regret. My dad tells me all the time that I can't be afraid to try new things. I can't be afraid to write people off because of a rumor or my own insecurities. He's the driving force behind my decisions these days and I'm thankful he's pushing me into meeting new people and having new experiences.

I've also been exploring my faith throughout this "live your life" movement I'm currently engaged in. I feel like God would instantly text me back if I initiated a conversation. I also think God's bold enough to use a read receipt on his messages just so you knew you were heard. I've started making plans for myself - not waiting on anyone or basing my plans on what the outcome might be. I have plans to travel to DC to tour museums and go to Nats games. I have plans to attend every country concert in VB this summer. I have plans to go to a Liverpool soccer game and James Taylor concert in Charlotte. I have a week at the beach on the books and a weekend at the lake with my family. I have so many things to look forward to and celebrate about life - it's too short to dwell in past decisions, good or bad. Life's too short to dwell on the people that bring constant negatively into your life or unnecessary anxiety and unhappiness. We all deserve to be happy and make decisions that bring out our best selves. I take comfort in Matthew 6:34, "therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself". God's basically telling us to put a cork in it and live the life he's providing. He can handle all our burdens and worries. He is choosing to handle everything for us. We just need to get out there and LIVE.

Dear God,
Help me to loosen the reins. Help me to take a step back and live life according to your terms. Help me see how beautiful the world around me is and allow me to live the life you're planning for me. Encourage me to live the life my mom would have wanted for me. Thank you for giving me glimmers of hope in my siblings and friends. Thank you for constantly picking me up when I'm down and giving me another day to try again. Thank you for reminding me to "Cowgirl up" and live. Amen.