Livin' on a Prayer

A couple days ago I had a bad day. It was one of those days where nothing went right. I'm not sure if my stress level has increased because I'm running off only a couple hours of sleep or because it's exam week...but I'm stressed to the max. I feel like I'm constantly treading water, but no matter how hard I tread I still sink. On the way home from my bad day I dialed a number I knew all too well. I called someone that I knew would understand...someone who could make everything better - my mom. When the voicemail began to play I realized what I had done and then was even more upset with myself. What do you do when your go-to person is permanently unavailable? I was desperate to reach someone who would care about my horrible day. So I began to search through the contents of my contact list. I was in a weird mood...I was upset, discouraged, annoyed and hurt. I dialed a number I hadn't called in a while. When she answered she seemed stunned and surprised that I was calling in the middle of the day on a Wednesday. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not very good at keeping in touch with anyone. It's a lot of effort and lately that's just been quite difficult to exert. We began to talk and I confessed that I only wanted someone to listen to my horrible day. She listened and volunteered advice when appropriate. We talked for a while and at the end of our conversation, my smile was back and I was ready to endure whatever horrible thing was coming next. The rest of my evening was pretty uneventful and simple. We had dinner, watched a movie and I finished my final exam. Right before bed I went to turn on my alarm for the morning and saw three separate text messages. Each message was from the person I called earlier that day. All of these messages were affirming my existence and reassuring me that God has a plan and everything will ultimately work out and be okay. In that moment, I knew I was loved and as lame as it sounds, I hugged my iphone. I physically hugged my iphone because the words that had come through cyberspace were exactly what I needed. Someone texted me to tell me I was great and that things would be better....and I didn't text them first or ask for a response. Why do we let other people and bad situations dictate our attitudes and decisions? I refuse to believe that I am the only 22 year old that thinks about other people before myself...but I do wonder where the others are?

Today I was driving home and I passed a church sign that said "Make up your mind about Jesus". I'll admit, I read the sign and thought "yeah, okay". It's difficult for me to make my mind up about Jesus. He created all of us and could have saved my mother. But He didn't. Or did He? I have so many questions and unfortunately, most cannot be answered. I hate when people tell me that everything happens with time. Do you know how hard it is to wait? Maybe I have a difficult time waiting because I've always been impatient...but I think a lot of it has to do with living on a timeline for the past 7 months. August 11 we were given a timeline of 13 months - you can imagine how disappointed I am that we only actually had 7. When you live with a ticking time bomb in your head for any given amount of time, you begin to wonder if you're living the right way. Over the past 7 months I had been running off adrenaline and trying to dive into every aspect of family life and time together. Now that my mom's gone my head is spinning because I don't understand what I'm doing with my time. I had a purpose over the past 7 months and now I am very confused. I feel as if all I ever do is waste time being alone or waste time on people who ultimately don't matter. That sounds incredibly harsh, but it's the truth. There's nothing worse than spending time and energy on someone who has no intention of putting you first or making you happy. And it's just not fair.

I looked into what the Bible says about time and found comfort in James 4:13-17. The passage says, "What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that'". Growing up my mom would joke around with my brother that she brought him into this world and if needed, she could take him out. God will call us/pull us/yank us when the time is right and remove us from our Earthly state. I spend so much time anxious, stressed, discouraged and upset. I should really be thanking God for the opportunity of life and all that comes with it. I should thank Him for the friendships and relationships that crash and burn. I should thank Him for the cold weather and the rain even when I'm soaked and miserable. I should thank Him for allowing me to live in His name and feel happiness, love and disappointment. My mood has drastically improved since finding this passage because if I really were to live life for God, I would be carefree. If I really and truly prayed and did what He asked of me, I would be on an established path moving in a direction where the future is promising. A common question I get these days is "what do you plan to do after college". I hate that question...but I only hate it because I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do. I begin to panic and stress about never finding a job or become upset that I don't feel a purpose in my life. I've learned that it's okay to wonder and question and raise concerns to God. I've also learned that I'm way too high-strung. This week is the first week of summer (for me) and I'm using it to begin my life actually living for God. I plan to say "yes" more frequently, listen carefully and live without my timeline of events. I need to live for the day, for myself and for God. As He says..."if the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that". I need to trust that if it is His will, it will be done and not try to hold onto or change the things that I can't. I will continue to wonder what He's up to and why He's taken my best friend. But I plan to learn more about His good works, toss my timeline and live off prayer.

Hypocrite

My friends and I have a saying, "tan fat is better than pale fat". I believe this to be absolutely true. Everybody looks better and feels better when they're tan. Everybody lives a little happier and breathes a little easier when the weather is sunny and 75 degrees, or at least I do. This weather has ruined all of my motivation for school work and all indoor activities though. Thankfully, I spent most of my day in this beautiful weather. This morning we walked to Stockley Gardens in Ghent and worshiped collectively with many of the local churches in celebration of Palm Sunday. It was a warm day filled with pollen and palms poking at our eyes, ears and noses - classic Palm Sunday experience. As a child I remember running out the door in a frilly dress late for Palm Sunday. Caroline and I were laughing this morning because for the first time in probably 10 or 12 years we were able to walk both ways - to and from the gardens. We usually were so late that we'd drive to Stockley Gardens, get out, sing "All Glory, Laud and Honor..." and then get back in the car and drive across the street to church. This year we were able to experience the walk both ways and understand the importance of wearing comfortable shoes - we'll do better next year. 

The gospel was different today. It was almost like a play narrated by several members of the congregation. There were no costumes or props. There was no background music or closing curtain. It was 5 people, projecting their voices and using specific tones to read their scripts. Sitting in the pew I absorbed as much of the passion as I could. It went through the whole betrayal part of Jesus' life. I sat there and began to hate everyone back then. I kept thinking "how could they betray Jesus" and "how could they just point and accuse and watch him suffer". I have some choice words for Judas, as I'm sure you can imagine. The longer I heard them carry-on in their biblical banter, the more I began to realize that maybe their actions were somewhat justified. If someone appeared, in the 21st century, healing the sick, curing the blind and resurrecting the dead...I think I'd be a little freaked out too. I don't know if I would encourage death, but I'd definitely point and direct someone to that specific individual. I think I would be extra helpful in identifying this individual because it's not possible to do those things and I'd need answers. I think people felt the same way - someone with this much power, even if it was used for good reasons, could be very dangerous and a liability to the community. Thinking about this story with my new train of thought kinda makes me even more mad. 

Jesus trusted his disciples to stand by him and support him through his Good Works - but when they were tested, they failed. To me, they're hypocrites. When things got tough and the community began to turn on Jesus the disciples did too - they denied their relation to Jesus and betrayed him by allowing him to hang on a cross. And even though they betrayed him, Jesus STILL saved them. The sad part is, we're hypocrites too...or at least I am. Jesus has done so much for my life and in times of doubt and despair, he's the first one I blame and the first one I boot out from my posse. Pastor Lauren spoke this Sunday about passion and the way Jesus lived his life from the start. Everything that man did, he did with conviction and passion - never wasted a breath. I was standing in the middle of my cul-de-sac Friday night talking with my neighbor. We started talking about my mom and how she was the ultimate mom. She shared stories with me about her experience as a parent and how my mom just had what it took to be a wonderful mom. My mom was a passionate parent - everything she endured and did was for her kids. When I think about passion, I think about my mom. I've never met someone who openly loved others the way she did - she made you feel special and loved the minute she entered a room. I don't know if it was conveyed through her warm "I love you" smile or her deep blue "I need you" eyes or her gentle "You're special" touch, but she truly had a gift of spreading acceptance and joy. When I think about passion, I think about my mom. She's probably swapping passion stories with Jesus in Heaven right now. 

I love the song "Happy" by Pharrell. It's so catchy and so my mom. She would love that song. Every time I hear it I can't help but dance and squirm in my seat. I can picture my mom grooving in the driver seat of her Kia Sportage loving life. I can picture her turning it up, snapping to the beat and laughing as I attempt to car dance better than her. This song captivates passion. Part of the refrain is: "Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof, because I'm happy. Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth, because I'm happy. Clap along if you know what happiness is to you." If only this song was released last summer before my mom's illness - it would have been her walk out song, ringtone and number 1 on her cd list. I've learned over the past 22 years and 7 months that happiness comes from within. It doesn't come from some cute boy who thinks he likes you. It doesn't come from your best friend of 20 years. It doesn't come from a care package of skittles and chocolates. Those things are happy and make life waaaay more fun, but happiness is truly something that develops deep inside of you that only you can control. 

My mom and I used to joke that I had a passion for fashion. I do love clothes and shopping and the way you can express yourself through this aesthetically appealing art form...but over the last 7 months I've learned that there is much more to life. I now have a passion for my family and friends. First and foremost I am a loyal friend. I put family and friendships before everything in life - before the grocery store, before school work, most of the time before any of my own needs. I don't know if that's right or wrong, but it's the only way I've been able to handle my life through all these tragedies. I suppose Christ should be my passion, but I don't necessarily enjoy being hypocritical. I love God and am eternally grateful for everything He has done and will continue to do for me. I know that I am one of His many passions. To him I'm not just a number or some random girl on Earth. He calls us each by name and would sacrifice His life all over again for me, for you, for anyone. Even though we betray him and run for the hills when we're scared or upset He continues to call out to us and bring us back home. I may run away from God again, because it's easy to turn away...but the bottom line is that I'll always come back home. I need to learn to rely on Him and not push Him away, but for now I know I can rely on Him to lead me back to my roots, sort through my passions and help me find happiness again all around and inside of me.

Dear God,

I pray for those that betray you. I pray for those that run from you in times of tragedy and heartache. I pray for those that cling to you in desperate need for guidance and consolation. I pray for those that seek renewal throughout this holy week - that they may be transformed by your unconditional love. Help us find happiness in this great big world of yours. Amen.

Cement blocks

What is real? What is true? What is right? These are questions I frequently ask myself. I ask these questions when I'm extremely happy and when I'm hysterically crying. There are days that I'm so happy and thankful to be alive. There are days that I go about my life and live it proudly for myself and my mom. And then there are days like today. Days like today I struggle to make it out of bed. I struggle through the motions of every day life - showering, eating and achieving. Some of these "struggle" days are bearable and others are just not. I often think I'd provide a good show for storm chasers. I feel like I have a tornado inside of me. I have homework, family responsibilities and obligations to my friends that keep piling up. All of these things and people swirl around my head and it's impossible to find a starting point. Much like a tornado, the speed at which these things spiral out of control is unreal and scary. After a tornado there's typically a chilling calm that spreads across the land. I don't know if that will be the case after my tornado is over, but that's all I can hope for at this point. I mean, things worked out for Dorthy in the Wizard of Oz so maybe I'll be alright too. Right about now I'm wishing I had some sparkly red shoes to click together and say "There's no place like Home". But when I think about 'home' I think about that cliche phrase of "Home is where the heart is". Well, what happens if your heart is in Heaven? Is that my home? And if that's the case, I won't be home for a very long while. The tornado inside of me won't cease because I lack motivation. Instead of meeting people half way, I expect them to invite themselves over and do everything for me. But that's not the way life or people work. Nobody can fix the storm brewing inside of me - no therapist or pastor or exotic healer. This is a storm I've got to control myself.

Sitting at a stop light tonight I started crying. I have no idea why the tears were pouring out of my eyes, but something must have triggered my emotions and I let loose. Through my tears I looked over at a sign on the side of the road. It said "Heaven is for real". I immediately thought about how stupid that sign was - everyone knows Heaven is real. I began to think about how sad I was that my mom was gone and how badly I wanted to run home, swing open the front door and attack her with a hug. I started thinking about how happy she probably would be to hug me and love me and vent about her day. I thought about how much she meant to me and how much influence she's had on my life. But then my thoughts shifted back to that stupid sign and I began to think about how happy she probably was to be in Heaven. I thought about how happy she was to be reunited with her mom and her maker. I thought about how she was probably riding shot gun in my car. Then I started to laugh because I envisioned her freaking out about my tears and how I couldn't drive well if I couldn't see the road. It brought me back to learning how to drive. My mom hated taking my sister and I driving. She would drive us to a parking lot with nothing in sight and allow us to drive in circles until we were bored. I was a fabulous parking lot driver with lots of hours logged, but had never seen the streets. She always said that my dad could risk his life riding with us and that she was content in the parking lot. There was one time I messed up while in the parking lot. She had me park at a space with a cement block in the front. I pulled in perfectly and began to mess with the radio. Of course, my mom freaked out and told me I shouldn't multitask. As you can imagine, this sparked quite the elevated voice match of "don't you touch that" and "I'm going to touch every button in this car". I thought I put the car in reverse to back out of the spot and park somewhere else, but much to our surprise I drove right over the cement block on the ground. My mom and I both immediately stopped yelling at each other and sat there in disbelief about what just happened. My car was halfway onto the grassy median for at least five minutes before either of us found the correct words to say. She asked if I was okay and I said I wanted to switch seats. We both got out of the car. I was trying to avoid eye contact because I knew I would get the mom daggers. The ones that say "I told you so" and "you're a disappointment". But as I was coming around the back of the car I felt a warm embrace. My mom just hugged me and said "I'm sorry, let's forget it". We both got back in the car and drove home - we never talked about that experience again.

My mom had a way with words. My dad was talking to me the other day about how my mom was the perfect +1 to any function. She was a social butterfly floating about the room drawing connections out of thin air and providing perfect networking trails. My dad confessed that one of his promotions at the Newport News Shipyard was attributed to my mom's positive and calming spirit. Apparently she met the boss of the company and had great conversation with his wife - Monday morning my dad was promoted! She made every event so special and wonderful just by being herself. Growing up my parents used to entertain a lot, and they were professionals at it too! We had so many dinner parties with fancy plates and cloth napkins. She always made a dish called Shrimp Bien Bien because her mother made it for company too. This shrimp dish has large shrimp, rice and lots of butter making it a very decedent dish. Earlier in the summer she made this particular dish because I had invited a boy over that I wanted to impress. Knowing that food was the key to my heart, I figured it would be the key to his too. We all sat down to eat this special meal when he leaned over to me and said "how do you eat this"? I looked at the plate horrified and wondering the same thing. My mom had made the casserole and left the shrimp tails on the shrimp. Caroline saw us eyeing our plates and began to laugh out-loud. My mom then realized what had happened and said "everybody loves finger food - dig in"! As I sat there mortified that we were fisting a casserole into our faces, I realized that life's too short not to laugh at your mistakes. And I also realized that if this boy decided he didn't like me over shrimp tails in a casserole, he wasn't the one for me anyway.

Words allow us to understand, communicate, question, and voice our opinions. Words allow us to make sense of what is happening within us and around us. The Bible has lots of words in it. Some of these words are consoling and others are startling, but they're words meant to convey a point. Jesus had many things he needed to convey to the world. His greatest message was that of love. I often am desperate to find love. I'm desperate to feel love. Many people love me, but it's not the love I want. I want love from my mom. Before she passed, in my final 15 minutes we must have exchanged at least 20 "I love yous". At the time I was crying and almost shouting that I loved her and she would respond immediately. I know her love is still with me, but it's often so hard to find when she's out of sight. Grief is a funny thing. In an hour I can feel about thirty different kinds of emotions. I know my mom is in a better place - I wanted her to pass when she did. She was miserable and her fight was over. Moments before she passed I was sitting in a waiting room praying, begging for mercy. Five minutes after I uttered "We'll be okay, you can let her go" my dad walked into the room and uttered two words I never expected or wanted to hear, "she's gone". When I think about her cancer my brain flashes back to all the momentous occasions: watching her seize, seeing the tumor on the monitor, greeting her at lake taylor, home health delivering the bed, ringing the bell signifying the end of radiation, her homecoming, celebrating holidays and special family days in a hospital so we could all be together - the list goes on and on. My point is, nobody understands what it's like to be me. Nobody can or will ever understand the grief and the struggles I face every single day. I don't expect anyone to and I would never wish this upon anyone. These days I look to God. I don't look to Him cause I'm supposed to or because it's expected. I look to Him because He knows I'm mad and upset. He knows I'm hurt and grieving. He knows that eventually I'll be okay. He doesn't expect any less of me at this time. And even though I can't see Him or hear Him, I know He's there. I know Heaven is real and I know I ran over a cement block in the parking lot of Kempsville Middle School and I know that at some point the storm inside of me will stop. It might take a while, but God's gonna love me through it.

Dear God,
Thank you for loving me even when I don't feel worthy. Thank you for the gift of family and friends. Thank you for words and their ability to express feelings and emotions. Thank you for the gift of writing. Thank you for cement blocks in parking lots and seemingly stupid script on roadway signs. Thank you for calling me as your own. Help me find purpose in my life here and help me see it through. Amen.

The Unibomber

Yesterday was an all around beautiful day. I've started this new thing where I do what I want, when I want and with who I want. I've started embracing this new thing called "opportunity". I've started to understand the importance of friendship, love and living to the fullest - it's a fast paced life with no looking back. I've grown to find happiness in all the strangest places over the past week and I'm so thankful for the push I needed, from friends and family, to get back on this crazy adventure we call life.

Yesterday night I went to the opening game for the Norfolk Tides. I love baseball so much. I beg my friends every year to go with me, but they would rather watch paint dry so I don't get to go very often. I received a free ticket from one of my newest friend groups and instead of coming up with 47 million excuses as to why I couldn't go, I just said "yes". I met them over at Harbor Park for an evening of laughing, junk food eating and rooting for our pathetic Norfolk Tides (they were horrible last night). We were sitting right behind first base with a view of the field...or at least that was everyone else's view. I was sitting behind some high schooler with the largest head I've ever seen. Now, his head might have been so large because he was wearing a baseball cap and a hood over it, like the unibomber, or it could have been what he was saying to the girl in front of me that just made me hate his huge head. Have you ever had a moment where you see your life flash before your eyes? Not in a "I'm gonna die" kind of way, but in a "she's living my past life, don't make that mistake" way? Well I had one of those moments last night - my heart was filled with anxiety and comfort for her.

There was this darling young girl, probably in high school sitting in a group with her friends, next to the 'unibomber wanna be' blocking my view. He ignored her through most of the game, asked her to buy him things, and then when she got mad he all of a sudden realized he was a jerk and should have acknowledged her in the first place. I watched the girl cave into his demands all night and say "it's alright" that he ignored her. I watched them leave the game hand-in-hand, unhappy and young in "love". Every girl has that guy they're crazy about, but I knew how this girl felt because in more ways than one, I've been there. I mean - the similarities were just crazy and I don't intend on sharing too many because it ultimately doesn't matter. I've been rejected so many times in my life but I've been too blind to see it, feel it or understand that maybe the ideal them isn't right for the real me. That couple was young and maybe we had nothing in common, but for the first time I witnessed a guy do what most guys do to me and I watched this girl react in ways I've always reacted. I sat there last night thankful that I was behind this girl and not in her shoes. So many times I wanted to smack his huge head and say "what is wrong with you". But here's the thing. Everyone has to crash and burn on their own time, whether it takes 15 years or 2 months. You've gotta test the waters and find out the answers to your own 'what ifs'. I've finally been through enough heartache where I know I deserve more. I've gotta take care of myself and demand respect. I can't live my life with the ideal image of a guy. I struggle with that the most: ideal vs. the reality of the situation. I tend to give everyone multiple chances and slack, but nobody deserves the amount of slack I dish out. Watching this couple made me thankful for the people in my life and the quality of care I receive from 99.9% of them daily.

One of the reasons I think my life has started to improve is that I've put priorities where they should have been all along. Throughout the course of my mom's illness I started to put people in places of power rather than God. I started holding people accountable for things they weren't capable of or couldn't control. Sunday was the first day of my life where I truly gave it all up to God. I worshiped with my whole family for the first time in seven months and truly felt the Holy Spirit wrapping his arms around me tightly. Since Sunday, I've felt God's unconditional love and guidance. God provides as long as you let him - the key is just letting go of the "ideal" and understanding that the "real" is better regardless. The devotion for April 4 comes from Psalms 73:22-26: "I was so foolish and ignorant - I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you. Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on Earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever". God is the keeper of my heart and the lover of my soul - he guides us with his counsel and leads us into glorious destiny. Why have I waited so long to be led into glorious destiny? Why will I continue to question and say 'no' when the obvious answer to God should always be 'yes'? Part of me thinks that maybe God gives us these first loves, last loves, tragedies and unfortunate events because He wants us to know that He's capable of fixing anything. He can make things new and special and loved again. He gives us these heart breaking situations to prove that life continues and through it all He's going to love us stronger and harder every day. And He's going to continue loving us more than anyone else ever can. For that, I am thankful and undeserving. I don't have all the answers or know if anything I say or feel is right, but I do know that God makes a difference and provides clarity in so many grey situations. All things, even the grey areas, can be salvaged, changed and accepted through love.

Love is an open door

It's my life goal to introduce as many people as I can to the movie "Frozen". It's not your typical Disney movie where the girl gets the guy and they ride off into the sunset. The whole movie is about overcoming adversity and along the way defines what "an act of true love" really is and what the power of love can do. If I think about love I begin to giggle. It's a feeling that's deep down inside of you. It's a feeling that's meant to be sorta uncomfortable - uncomfortable in a good way. Whenever I feel love, a warm sensation spreads from my toes to my nose. The world's goofiest smile becomes very difficult to remove from my face and I desperately search for the appropriate words to say. Recently, I've experienced very different kinds of love. I'm by no means a "love" expert, but I've learned a thing or two about the lengths people will go to extend and encourage love and how important it is in today's world. 

On March 22, the sanctuary of First Lutheran Church was full of love and light. I was standing in the welcome area of the church with my family, trying to keep my cool so that I could speak when it was time for the family reflections. I was doing really well until I saw a familiar face standing in front of me. It's a face I haven't seen in years. Immediately a warm sensation spread across my body and I began to blush uncontrollably and smile through my eyes. He approached me and extended a hug and hello. He began to laugh because he'd never seen me speechless - I'll admit, it is pretty rare that I have nothing to say. I kept repeating the same phrase over and over to him, "I can't believe you're here...I can't believe you drove all the way from South Carolina for this...I can't believe you're here". After a couple minutes of awkward staring and blushing and repeating myself he hugged me again and said something I'll never forget. He hugged me tightly and said "where else would I be?!" Maybe there are people out there who consciously think about their footprint or impact on others. I haven't been one of those people until recently. This particular person and I got off on the wrong foot while working at Lutheridge, a summer camp located in Arden, North Carolina. If there's anything he's taught me, it's that people can and will surprise you when you least expect it. Over the years we've grown to become great friends - covering all types of topics via email, texting, snapchatting and skype. More importantly, he's taught me about the gift of friendship and the ways in which love conquers all. I often find myself thinking "why am I willing to do so much more for others than they're willing to do for me?" Well, you don't just wake up at 2 am to drive from South Carolina to Virginia for anyone. He's taught me that maybe there are people out there that value friendship the way I do. Maybe there are people out there that are willing to sacrifice everything, including their time, for someone else because there's nowhere else they'd rather be. 

I am constantly "checked on" by so many these days. I love the "thinking of you" texts and voicemails I receive every day. It fills my heart with joy to know that people are still keeping us in their thoughts and prayers and continuing to reach out. I'll never be able to thank people enough for their kindness throughout this tragedy - but I've grown to be a better person because of this kindness. I find myself letting other cars merge into my lane, letting people cross in front of me on a crosswalk, apologize sooner, give gifts for no reason and tell people I love them more frequently. I also find myself wishing I could hug everyone that's kind. I was talking with a friend tonight and wanted nothing more than to come through the phone and hug her as hard as I could. I love when someone just gets it. When they just understand how important something is or what it means to you and you don't have to rehash everything or explain with every single detail. My mom was that way - she didn't need the details to understand that I was happy or upset. She didn't need to know who was involved - she just understood that sometimes all you need is someone on your side, regardless of whether you're right or wrong. Constantly having my mom in my corner is something I miss more and more every single day - she's in my corner from Heaven, but it's hard on Earth without her verbal support. Tonight I had that feeling. Tonight I felt like someone was on my team. Have you ever met someone and just known they were good? Like they put off a good vibe that made you feel safe or comfortable? I've got a friend that I don't know very well - I don't know if she had braces or if she's ever broken a bone. But I do know that I could show up on her doorstep and be greeted with a big smile and open arms. And that's where love comes in. Love is a friendship based on understanding the situation without knowing the details. Love is the silence that follows a surprise visitor. Love is the driving force behind all of my actions and thoughts - I am constantly thinking how I can love others better. Unfortunately, I'm often forgetting to love myself.

God calls us to love one another as we would love ourselves. I've found that it's much easier to love other people than to love myself though. I think I'm a good person and I strive to be better every single day. I love myself, but not as much as I should. I can think of about 50,000 flaws and imperfections that I'd rather not single out in a blog but I'm completely aware that they're there. Today I received an email from two of my favorite people on the whole entire planet. While reading this message I had a warm sensation spread across my body and a goofy smile on my face. Part of the message read, "The only advice we offer is what we've learned from chronically ill people, to get up and make yourself beautiful every day (with you that is just a little touching up) and it will help you cope". I read this part and giggled a little to myself - but they're absolutely right. I remember back to my junior year of high school when I got dumped by the first boy I seriously dated. I remember sitting in my driveway and hysterically crying because my "heart was broken". My mom put me in the car and took me shopping. I wore new clothes to school every single day that week. I didn't wear them to catch his attention or to win him back - I wore them because I needed a pick-me-up. My mom bought me 5 new outfits because she understood the importance of picking yourself back up and putting your best foot forward, even when your heart is hurting and you don't see the point. I've put more effort into my appearance and attitude over the last couple days because I've noticed that I feel better when I try to feel better. I feel better when I allow myself to love. I feel better when I understand that I am loved. The unfortunate part about any tragic loss is that life goes on, whether that person is there or not. I've been desperate to find any type of constant in my life and I think I've finally found it - the constant is love.

The passage I've chosen for tonight comes from 1 Peter 4:8-10. The passage reads, "Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace". We all have gifts whether it is cooking an incredible meal, being blessed with an athletic ability or listening to a friend in desperate need of consoling. All gifts are pleasing to God. We are to use our gifts to honor Him and better the lives of our neighbor. Love covers a multitude of sins. To me, this means that even through all of my imperfections and flaws, God loves me more and more every single day. God's always in my corner, supporting me from Heaven and giving me Earthly angels to support me in ways my mom no longer can. It feels good to reach out to others and love unconditionally. Just like "Frozen" teaches us, Love is an open door and we're crazy if we don't venture out and explore the life that God gave us. I've found that life is more enjoyable when we follow our hearts, trust each other and do more for those we care about regardless of whether they'll return the favor. Love is for giving - give it to yourself, give it to God and give it to the world.