The Unibomber

Yesterday was an all around beautiful day. I've started this new thing where I do what I want, when I want and with who I want. I've started embracing this new thing called "opportunity". I've started to understand the importance of friendship, love and living to the fullest - it's a fast paced life with no looking back. I've grown to find happiness in all the strangest places over the past week and I'm so thankful for the push I needed, from friends and family, to get back on this crazy adventure we call life.

Yesterday night I went to the opening game for the Norfolk Tides. I love baseball so much. I beg my friends every year to go with me, but they would rather watch paint dry so I don't get to go very often. I received a free ticket from one of my newest friend groups and instead of coming up with 47 million excuses as to why I couldn't go, I just said "yes". I met them over at Harbor Park for an evening of laughing, junk food eating and rooting for our pathetic Norfolk Tides (they were horrible last night). We were sitting right behind first base with a view of the field...or at least that was everyone else's view. I was sitting behind some high schooler with the largest head I've ever seen. Now, his head might have been so large because he was wearing a baseball cap and a hood over it, like the unibomber, or it could have been what he was saying to the girl in front of me that just made me hate his huge head. Have you ever had a moment where you see your life flash before your eyes? Not in a "I'm gonna die" kind of way, but in a "she's living my past life, don't make that mistake" way? Well I had one of those moments last night - my heart was filled with anxiety and comfort for her.

There was this darling young girl, probably in high school sitting in a group with her friends, next to the 'unibomber wanna be' blocking my view. He ignored her through most of the game, asked her to buy him things, and then when she got mad he all of a sudden realized he was a jerk and should have acknowledged her in the first place. I watched the girl cave into his demands all night and say "it's alright" that he ignored her. I watched them leave the game hand-in-hand, unhappy and young in "love". Every girl has that guy they're crazy about, but I knew how this girl felt because in more ways than one, I've been there. I mean - the similarities were just crazy and I don't intend on sharing too many because it ultimately doesn't matter. I've been rejected so many times in my life but I've been too blind to see it, feel it or understand that maybe the ideal them isn't right for the real me. That couple was young and maybe we had nothing in common, but for the first time I witnessed a guy do what most guys do to me and I watched this girl react in ways I've always reacted. I sat there last night thankful that I was behind this girl and not in her shoes. So many times I wanted to smack his huge head and say "what is wrong with you". But here's the thing. Everyone has to crash and burn on their own time, whether it takes 15 years or 2 months. You've gotta test the waters and find out the answers to your own 'what ifs'. I've finally been through enough heartache where I know I deserve more. I've gotta take care of myself and demand respect. I can't live my life with the ideal image of a guy. I struggle with that the most: ideal vs. the reality of the situation. I tend to give everyone multiple chances and slack, but nobody deserves the amount of slack I dish out. Watching this couple made me thankful for the people in my life and the quality of care I receive from 99.9% of them daily.

One of the reasons I think my life has started to improve is that I've put priorities where they should have been all along. Throughout the course of my mom's illness I started to put people in places of power rather than God. I started holding people accountable for things they weren't capable of or couldn't control. Sunday was the first day of my life where I truly gave it all up to God. I worshiped with my whole family for the first time in seven months and truly felt the Holy Spirit wrapping his arms around me tightly. Since Sunday, I've felt God's unconditional love and guidance. God provides as long as you let him - the key is just letting go of the "ideal" and understanding that the "real" is better regardless. The devotion for April 4 comes from Psalms 73:22-26: "I was so foolish and ignorant - I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you. Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on Earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever". God is the keeper of my heart and the lover of my soul - he guides us with his counsel and leads us into glorious destiny. Why have I waited so long to be led into glorious destiny? Why will I continue to question and say 'no' when the obvious answer to God should always be 'yes'? Part of me thinks that maybe God gives us these first loves, last loves, tragedies and unfortunate events because He wants us to know that He's capable of fixing anything. He can make things new and special and loved again. He gives us these heart breaking situations to prove that life continues and through it all He's going to love us stronger and harder every day. And He's going to continue loving us more than anyone else ever can. For that, I am thankful and undeserving. I don't have all the answers or know if anything I say or feel is right, but I do know that God makes a difference and provides clarity in so many grey situations. All things, even the grey areas, can be salvaged, changed and accepted through love.