Euyore vs. Tigger

We live in a world that's anxious to point fingers and blame innocent bystanders. We live in a world that demands answers for seemingly impossible situations. It'd be so nice if I could pin-point the person or thing that gives people cancer. If I could look that person in the eye and say some choice words - maybe I'd feel better. Cancer is like the big bully in school that you could never quite stand up to. They were always just a little too big, ugly and intimidating. When things don't go my way I find someone or something to blame. It's not right, but chances are you search for something to blame too. My first instinct isn't to solve the problem - it's to figure out who/what caused it and dwell on that for a while.

When Caroline and I were little we refused to go to sleep when we were told. Actually, we refused to do a lot of things (I spent a lot of time in time out) but bed time was always an unwritten 'option'. Our parents would sing to us, pray with us, tuck us into our beds and go downstairs to watch TV. Caroline and I were separated by a small hallway in our old house and I could hear the steps creak when my parents fled the scene. I would always invite Caroline into my room so we could play a little bit longer. Now, I know it comes across as me wanting to spend time with my sister...but I had other motives. I enjoyed playing with Caroline...on my terms. I was just lucky she was too little to figure out what those terms were. I invited her into my room because when my parents would catch us, she would be the one that got in trouble. I would always complain that she just came into my room wanting to play with me and kept me from sleeping. Caroline would sulk back to her room distraught that she was in trouble. I never wanted to be the one to compromise or get into trouble. My parents never grounded us or spanked us or really punished us in any way. When we were really young we were put in time out for a few minutes, but as we got older the whole "I'm disappointed in you" phrase was pulled out and we were putty in their hands. I'm not really sure when that phrase was started, but I remember thinking "would my mom be okay with this" on a regular basis through all ages of my life. This phrase probably explains why I've never had an reckless college nights or failing grades. I've been a straight arrow all of my life because I've never wanted to give my parents any reason to point fingers and blame someone or me for my behavior.

Tonight I reached for the devotional my mom gave me and found scripture from John. It's a passage all about blame, assumption and judgment. You see, the Pharisees judge a blind man, questioning why he was born without sight. They assume it's because of his sins or the sins of his parents. However, Jesus throws them a curveball - he spits on the ground, makes mud and rubs it on the blind mans eyes. The blind man washes the mud from his eyes and suddenly can see. Jesus says, "I entered this world to render judgment - to give sight to the blind and to show those who think they see that they are blind". I think a lot of the world is blind. I am blind most of the time. There are things I should see, people I should help and things I should do.

In this life I think there are two kinds of people. There are Euyores and Tiggers (Yes, this is a Winnie the Pooh reference). The Euyore people of the world are those that are always the victim of bad and upsetting situations. They are the ones that sit alone and wallow in self pity. The Tigger people of the world are those that don't let negativity slow them down. They choose to find the positive silver lining in every grim situation and keep moving forward with a spring in their step. When my mom was first diagnosed, my family was at the cross roads of becoming an Euyore group of people. Instead of caving into the pressures of grief and anxiety, we chose to be Cancerstrong Tiggers. My mom always encouraged my siblings and I to set goals and influence change. October 19 I invite you to attend an event that's aimed at effecting change for the Hampton Roads community. I am hosting a fashion show entitled Cancerstrong to celebrate with those that are survivors, honor those that have passed on and educate everyone else that doesn't understand anything about Cancer. I encourage you to come to this event and/or donate to the cause. I can't point fingers or blame anyone for my mom's Earthly departure, but I can do the best I can to change someone else's fate. Don't choose to be blind. Be the change. Be a Tigger.

John 9: 1-3, 6-7, 35, 39-41

#Cancerstrong Fashion Show Information
www.gofundme.com/Cancerstrong2014
www.facebook.com/Cancerstrong2014

Anniversary

A couple weeks ago we had vacation bible school at my church. As usual, I teamed up with my best girl to take on the 4 and 5 year old class. Last year we had 4 kids that were precious, sweet and obedient. This year we had 11 kids that were independent and wild. It’s one of the most rewarding weeks of my summer because I am able to help foster and witness the Holy Spirit moving through these little people. I learned a couple years ago that it’s impossible to teach 4 and 5 year olds specific stories in the bible and expect them to want to understand. This week of VBS was important for laying the foundation for their future in faith; instilling the gospel in each and every one of my 11 kids. Every day we honed in on two important concepts, Jesus loves you more than you know and He has called you by name. Each day we would attempt to throw in a bible verse for memorization purposes, but I was satisfied with reiterating the most important aspect of religion (in my opinion), God’s unconditional and never ceasing love. I know our kids had a great week because we played with a beach ball in the classroom, made playdoh pizzas, finger painted paper and everything else they could put their little hands on at FLC (Sorry maintenance) and ate sugary snacks all day long. It’s much harder to tell whether they grasped any of the gospel. On the last day of VBS a little boy approached me and said he had a question. He looked around to see if any of the other kids were listening before he gave me his question. He then moved very close to my face and said “I love you”. Remember in the Grinch when he feels love and his heart grows so big it bursts out of the box on the TV screen? That’s sorta how I felt. My heart was full. I smiled to this little boy and said “I love you too”. Immediately he smiled and responded “I love you more”. I know at least one child heard God’s good news that week.

That week of VBS really does a lot of good for our youth in the congregation. We expect to receive love from our friends, family, peers, etc. but we often forget to share it. God’s love is free, abundant, unconditional and never ceasing. It’s truly amazing. God’s love is pure, much like love from a child or a puppy. You could wrong a puppy over and over again and it would still run to you with love in its eyes every time you call. Children are the same way (to some extent). Working with children that week is an excellent form of birth control, but it’s also an eye-opening awakening of how important it is to give love. I’m convinced that little boy loved Maddie and I because we showed him love. We showed God’s love.  The best kind there is.

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my mom’s seizure and diagnosis. It was a rough day to say the least. I was overwhelmed by God’s great love demonstrated by friends and family that texted, called and brought baked goods to show that my mom had not been forgotten. August 11, 2013 was a day that changed my life forever. I had no idea the impact my mother had on so many until her illness became public. Our home phone rang off the hook, the mailman delivered letters in bags only designated for Santa and our fridge was always full. If you’ve seen the movie Frozen, it’s about two sisters who stick together after the loss of their parents. One of my favorite lines comes from Elsa when she finally comes to her senses, “love will thaw”. Love doesn’t fix everything that’s happened. Love doesn’t make my mom come back from Heaven. But love makes life on Earth bearable without her physically here.  I’ve been blessed by my church congregation, my sorority sisters and family members that show an abundance of love in hopes that it thaws the frozen parts of my heart.

A couple days ago I decided it would be a good idea to go through old text messages from my mom and find ones I wanted to save for a rainy day. It turned out to be a really horrible idea with me having several episodes of hysteria in disbelief that she's really gone forever. I can't think about it too long without becoming anxious and overwhelmingly upset. The first message I read ended with "love you". The second one did too. And the third. Turned out at the end of every texting conversation we ever had she said "love you" or "xoxox". My mom was a love expert. I'm convinced that she was sent by God to give love to the world. When I think back a year ago to August 12, my mom was hooked up to a million monitors and people were driving and flying from all ends of the Earth to visit her and help my family in some capacity. My church congregation had divied up responsibilities - someone picked up our dog from the kennel, someone organized meals to be delivered when we got home, someone mowed our lawn, someone cleaned our house, etc. There wasn't one moment since August 11, 2013 where I haven't felt God's love. I've been angry at God since then, but there's no denying He loves me. If He didn't love me, He wouldn't have given us so many witnesses of His good works. This time last year our pastor, who was on vacation at the time, and two of my mom's best friends made the trek to Roanoke, VA to be with us in our time of tragedy and crisis before her fate was known. I remember sitting down to dinner that night to a meal provided by a friend of the family that I've never met. I remember eating a piece of bread. I remember being sick to my stomach and having mascara permanently stuck to my cheeks. But more importantly, I can remember the atmosphere of the room - I remember it being really warm, everyone holding hands and praying. I remember everyone sobbing through the prayer. I remember saying Amen and watching everyone hug one another in no hurry of starting the meal. The love on "Mauney Island" as we nicknamed it, was so thick it almost formed an invincible bubble around the house. God was present that day, just as he's been every day of my life.

The hardest adjustment has been not hearing my mom's voice and not being able to hug her anytime I want. Again, can't dwell on that point otherwise I'll be a watery mess. But I know her love continues to surround my family - she's the glue that keeps us all together. My family has done a great job of making this year about us. We've experienced so many concerts, road trips, weddings, reunions and beach days together. You'd think we're sick of each other, but we're just getting started. You can either use tragedies to tear you apart or pull you closer together. I'm so thankful for the support system that is my immediate and extended family. God's love is present in each and every one of my clan whether they're 2 or 96. I expect that over time the pain won't be as intense and I won't cry over everything, but until then God's gonna love me through it. And there's nothing more I need.

We've completed our first year of being cancerstrong. It's been quite a roller coaster of emotions, and I am so thankful for everyone that's been on this crazy ride with us. We appreciate everything everyone has done for us and hope to return the favor whenever and however we can. Thanks be to God.

Pollution

If you're "friends" with me on any form of social media, you'll notice that my family does a lot together. This summer has been quite the adventure for my new family of 4. We're like a 4 pack of chicken nuggets - we all stick together. I've been M.I.A. for a while and my friends don't let me forget it. I kinda like being in my own little world though. I've lived in a fishbowl for the past 11 months. It's finally time for my family and I to calm down and disconnect from the grid. We've taken trips to weddings, firework displays, various beaches and lakes. We've never done this much traveling as a unit. And while it does become overwhelming and chaotic, I couldn't imagine spending my summer away from my people. We've weathered the storm and now it's about clean-up and recovery. Living in Hampton Roads we know all too well the damages of hurricanes. After Isabelle we lost several trees in our backyard and half of our deck. I remember looking out the window to see trees brushed up against our french doors. The morning after the storm you have two choices: wait another day to assess the mess or get started cleaning it up and moving on. My family is working towards a new beginning - a new life picking up the pieces where we left off. Never forgetting what happened, but thankful we had so much time together and continuing to live on in her and OUR legacy. 

One of our family trips was to Dayton, Ohio for my cousin's wedding. It was a beautiful ceremony and reception. The two were basically made for each other - sorta restored my hope for humanity. On the way home from the weekend of fun we stopped at a subway on the outskirts of West Virginia. It was a pretty nasty place - we stopped because we were desperately hungry and needed a bathroom. We ate inside the restaurant because we couldn't stand to be in the car any longer than we absolutely had to be, seeing as it was roughly a 12 hour drive. While we were eating, I noticed a car recklessly drive into the parking lot and park across two spots. My first thought was that they had robbed a business and were driving the get away car trying to obtain more cash from this subway. Much to my surprise a trashily dressed woman got out of the car and walked quickly into the subway. She came in and asked if someone specific was working. That particular employee came out from the back and the woman erupted into tears. At this point I was having lunch and a show. It was sorta like watching a train wreck - it's so horrific that you just can't look away. As she cried she explained what happened. I didn't hear the whole story, but I discovered that her boyfriend was recently put in jail. She talked all about how the bail was so expensive but that she needed to see him and help him in any way she could. She hugged her friend and said she was going back to the house to gather and pawn her most expensive items. It was at this point that I just felt sorry for this woman and sorry I had listened to her conversation. I don't know what her boyfriend did to deserve jail time, but not once had I ever thought about who jail time really affects - the family and friends of that particular individual. I began to pray to God. I prayed that he would help this family and heal her broken heart. She was so sad to watch. What happened next was truly inspiring. After hugging her friend, the woman turned to leave the subway wiping her tears and pulling herself back together. Her friend called her back and handed her the watch she'd been wearing. Without a word the two hugged each other and the woman left the store. I hope I never know anyone who needs to be bailed out of jail, but I hope that my good friend would give me her watch to sell to raise money for bail if I needed it.

It's easy to see the negativity in the world. It's easy to get down on yourself because you're seemingly undesirable or unworthy of good or praise. It's much more difficult to see the positive in a grim situation. In my meteorology class I learned that the sunrise and sunset are a wide variety of colors largely due to environmental and man-made pollution. Basically the junk in the air causes the colors to merge together forming a work of art in the sky. This is truly an example of seeing that there can be beauty in smog. There's always a silver lining, it's just a matter of finding it. This year has had it's ups and downs all over the place. I've lost my true best friend. I fell in love with the wrong person. I STILL have another year of school. I STILL live at home. But, I am so blessed and so rich in many other areas of my life. I have an unbelievably supportive friend group who I believe would not only give me their watches, but might just drive me over to the jail with a box full of their most precious belongings as well. I have a job and coworkers that support, encourage and nurture my passion for fashion  confident that it will lead me to a future career. I have a large extended family that cheers me on when I learn a new recipe or make another semester of straight As. But the silver lining in all my poor decisions and crappy hand of cards is that I'm becoming the person I was meant to be through it all. I don't know why bad things happen to good people - but I know I stand taller and more proud because of all the pollution that's cluttered my life. I know I am confident, strong and independent because I have survived the worst and I WILL be okay. 

When bad things happen to those around me I used to think "oh no, that's horrible!" But then I would check my facebook or listen to Beyonce and forget all about other people's problems. My reaction to tragedy and heart ache is much different now. It doesn't hurt to reach out and offer help or let them know you're thinking about them. I've become much better at showing how much I care for others. I've allowed myself to open up and live life without the fear of rejection or disappointment. All I know is this - if you get the opportunity to tell someone how you feel, do it. You can't rely on tomorrow. You can't rely on today. You've truly got to make the most of every moment you have with the people you love. I've wasted 20 years of expressing my feelings, but I've certainly made up for lost time. I've blocked numbers of people I don't like and become obsessed with the people I love. Life is so much sweeter when you're living the life God is offering and providing. My relationship with God extends beyond the church pew at First Lutheran. He rides shotgun in my car, helps me steam the clothing at Apricot Lane and sits in the room while I give presentations to incoming freshman at ODU every other Thursday. And much like God's known presence, I can feel my mother all around too. I think about her all the time. 90% of my thought are positive happy memories and the other 10% make me cry hysterically. But I know she'd be so proud of her family and friends for carrying on. I know she's proud of everything I've accomplished this year. And more importantly, I know she can't wait to see all the "good stuff" we do for others. So whether it be pawning your watch for bail or creating a little more pollution to enhance the colors of the sunrise tomorrow, I encourage you to live for the silver lining and bring out the positive in all situations. 

Dear God,

Thanks for the sunrise and sunset. Thanks for environmental pollution and summer school. Thanks for stupidly long road trips and subway. Thanks for always showing us the silver lining and the promise of a new day. Help us do more and be better than we were yesterday. Help us have full hearts and an abundance of kind words. Encourage us to share those words and feelings with those around us. Help us share and better understand your love. Amen.

Bonjour

This night one year ago was very different. It was a big night - my last night on USA soil for two weeks. May 25 I was headed to Paris, France to explore my love for fashion and design. I was traveling to a foreign country with 11 other women I didn't know very well. We had a loose itinerary and "free days" to plan activities for ourselves. We weren't going to have working cell phones and were given paper maps of the city to use. So, as you can imagine, at this point last year I was beyond panicked. I'm not sure why but whenever you're about to have a life altering event happen, people like to tell you everything that could potentially go wrong - or about bad experiences they've had. If I had a penny for every time someone said, "hope you don't get taken"...I'd have enough money to buy the city of Paris. All jokes aside, that was a legitimate concern and I was at a disadvantage because my dad wasn't Liam Neeson and he wouldn't be able to stop bad guys and save me. I was rooming with a girl that my teacher swore I would adore. Thankfully, she was right. Lauren and I quickly became Mary-Kate and Ashley on our two week excursion to France. I'll never forget when we landed - I've never been more terrified and excited in my whole life. We all filed off the plane and immediately declared that it was the best day of our lives. We spoke too soon. We had to take like 37 different means of transportation to get to our sleeping accommodations (it was more like 3 but felt like 37 because we were carrying our luggage with us the entire time). I should have paid more attention in our pre-trip meetings because I was thinking we would be staying in a hotel. Apparently, the word my teacher used was "hostel" and apparently I should have googled the word before I flew thousands of miles from my house. Lauren and I walked into our "room", shut the door and sat on the edge of our dingy beds thinking "what have we done". That first night I remember laying in my bed holding back tears because it was colder in France than I had thought (so I had packed all the wrong things), I was pretty sure there were bugs, dirt and possibly illegal substances in every nook and cranny of our closet-sized room and I knew I was stuck here for 10 more days. My parents had bought me a pre-paid international phone so I could text them while I was gone - the intent was so that I could send pictures or alert them if I had in fact been taken and transported into a human trafficking circle. I remember texting my mom and saying "I want to come home". She immediately called me and reassured me that everything would be fine. Well, it's been a year and I survived the two weeks in France - she was right yet again.

After that first night of culture and hostile hygiene shock I fell in love with the city of love. We went to all the Haute Couture shops and vintage boutiques in the city; but my favorite part was being a tourist and observing the styles on the street. Among many things, we visited the Lock Bridge, Notre Dome, The Louvre, and had an excursion to Reims for a day of Champagne tasting. We spent an afternoon in Luxembourg Gardens and an evening on top of the Eiffel Tower. At the time, these sights and precious moments of vulnerability were shared with 11 strangers. Over the course of those two weeks, I became very close with a few of these strangers and thankfully, these strangers have become some of my best friends. When you travel and problem-solve with random people in a foreign country, you learn you can get through just about anything with them in life; that definitely has been the case. I've had so many wonderful memories to reminisce over the past year from looking through photographs or re-reading journal entries I had written while we were in France. But my favorite memory of all has never been written down nor is there a picture of it happening.

This is a memory that has been ingrained in my head since the day we returned home and for that I am grateful. The day we were to fly home from France our flight was cancelled. At 2:30 am (USA time) I called home crying because "I was never coming home". My parents began looking into flights online and our 'mama bear' of the group was kindly harassing the flight desk demanding that we return home today. Somehow we managed to get home only 4 hours after we had originally planned - God is so good. Because we were a late flight, the gate at the end of the terminal was down at Norfolk International Airport. We were walking towards the gate and could see our families standing on the other side. I remember being so tired and emotionally drained from flying all day. I remember just being thankful to be on the ground for good. As I got closer to the gate I could see someone jumping up and down, calling out to security and rattling the gate. Low and behold the crazy woman was my mother. She was calling out to security officials telling them to lift the gate so we could come through the terminal. She was reaching out to me through the metal bars like I was a convict in a prison cell. I remember laughing out of embarrassment and thinking "what is wrong with you - I'm right in front of you - You can see that I'm okay". When the gate finally went up, my mom hugged me tighter and longer than she ever has before. I really don't think she's ever hugged me tighter than she did in that moment. And in that moment my eyes began to fill with tears because I was "home". She was "home".

My mom always encouraged me to follow my dreams and challenge my fears head on. I can confidently say that I never would have gone to France without her encouragement and persistence. That trip was the last gift she gave me. I brought back a painting of the Eiffel Tower, done by a street artist in the city. The picture now hangs in our kitchen - it almost looks like it was painted for that location. I remember giving it to her and her sighing. She was so relieved that I was alive and had a great time. It turns out she was more worried, anxious and scared than I was - but she never let it show because she knew it would be a good experience for me. As most can imagine, this weekend is hard for my family because a year ago we were celebrating my trip to France. And many many many years ago, my parents were celebrating their wedding day. May 25 is my parent's wedding anniversary. How do you celebrate when the love of your life is gone? I kinda wish tomorrow would never come - but it's inevitable. I'm thankful my dad has the three of us to keep him company. Today he visited me at work and surprised me with a cross ring - it symbolizes my mom's promise to him. In a strange kind of way it's a promise to us too. When they said "I do" many moons ago, they promised to love and support each other. They promised to do the best they could. They promised to compromise. They promised to do good works. I'd like to think that my brother, sister and I are part of the good works she's left behind. She's still very much a part of our lives - not an hour goes by where I don't think about her and her wonderful legacy.

The bible passage from my devotion for today is pretty cool, it's from Isaiah 40:25-31. I've picked out a couple of my favorite sections to share, "Look up into the heavens. Who created all the stars? He brings them out like an army, one after another, calling each by its name. Because of his great power and incomparable strength, not a single one is missing. How can you say the Lord does not see your troubles? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the Earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. Those who trust in the Lord will find new strength, They will soar high on wings like eagles." I believe that my mom is soaring. I believe that the Lord has a master plan. I don't agree with his plans - but I can respect that they're there. If I really think about my life, I can pull out moments where my mom unknowingly prepared me for her fight with cancer. I can pinpoint moments from the past and freak myself out thinking "woah, it's like she knew something would happen". God created all the stars and though they seem boring and tiny way up in the sky, they're pretty phenomenal works of art. My mom has a front row seat for every meteor shower and her view gets better every day. Thankfully, God never grows tired of our problems and He never falls short in helping us solve them. God's like the Paris metro - He stops for no one. He doesn't care if you've got overweight baggage or if you're wearing 4 inch wedges. He continues on re-routing and calculating alternate plans for you to prosper and find happiness. It may not be the happiness you thought you wanted or deserved, but I can guarantee it'll be the happiness you need. This year I've learned about love and loss. I've learned about strength and weakness. I've learned about hope and faith. I've learned those two are one in the same. I've found the new strength that's been promised by our Lord. I continue believing, not because it's easy, but because I desire to be better - to be more Christ-like and Christ-centered. I'm gonna let God handle the worrying and Liam Neeson action films. I'm gonna rely on my faith, family and friends to get me through the rest.

Cowgirl Up

Everything happens for a reason. Everything happens in its own time. These are the lessons God has taught me and continues to teach me every day. I struggle knowing that I can't plan everything out the way I think it should be. I struggle with understanding that people change. These last few weeks have been refreshing because I have been able to explore who I am and what I want. Every relationship and friendship you make teaches you something about what you find important and what you seek to give to the world. The other day I was talking with one of my best friends and we were talking about our inability to fall asleep these days - our heads are clouded with responsibilities and tasks left unfinished - our minds run a continuous race. We talked about the ways in which we would fall asleep when we were younger. I confessed that my mom would always sing me to sleep - she would sing Jesus songs to ease our anxiety and comfort us into a restful slumber. When my mom was occupied or refused to sing to me, I would call on my dad to get the job done. Bless that man's heart - he can't remember song lyrics to save his life. The only song he knows all of the words to without a cheat sheet, is Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. He would sing me that song any time I asked regardless of the season - He's the man. As I laid in bed, I thought about how I'd love to hear my mom's sweet voice or my dad's rendition of Rudolph; but, the reality is that as a 22 year old I can't be sung to sleep anymore. Things have to change and I have to grow up.

My mom never told me what to do. We also really never had any rules or curfews. I've never been grounded or put on restriction. Don't get me wrong, I was the sole reason why we had a "time-out chair" growing up...but those days only lasted until I was 6 or 7. I lost dessert very frequently because I am way too sassy and stubborn for my own good. But I was always encouraged to make my own decisions. My mom had a subtle way of making her view point known or proving that something was probably a bad idea. We talked all the time, about everything and everyone. There were never any secrets - we were best friends. I love that she knew everything, because she could usually make an informed opinion or judgement to back me up when I needed it. She would ask me a million questions, "does he make you happy? would you introduce him to grandma? does she gossip about people the whole time y'all communicate? are you proud of what she did?" These questions would encourage me to think about my friends and whether I was proud of my relationships. Through her hard-hitting questions I discovered that maybe I didn't actually think he was "the one" or maybe I should be more careful when choosing my friends. Life's a little trickier now - I have no sounding board. There are lots of people in the world to talk to, but nobody is as good at talking as my mom. I think the questions and decisions are harder because I feel like I live under a microscope. I feel like everyone is looking to me for some profound statement or proclamation about life and spoiler alert: I don't have one. The only thing I have to say is this: Live your life.

I get so wrapped up in making mistakes and dwelling on decisions I've made. I really need to stop over-thinking everything and learn to live in the moment. A couple summers ago I went to Colorado with my sister. We went out to the land of freedom and natural beauty because my sister and I couldn't get along. My mom shipped us out there to visit her best friend and get a huge dose of reality. Turns out there's more to life than walking around Lynnhaven Mall, curling your hair or scooping the newest copy of People Magazine. I came back with lots of crazy memories and hilarious stories. But more importantly, I came home with a renewed sense of self. I have a metal sign that hangs above my closet - it's the first thing I see when I wake up every morning. The sign is very simple and reads "Cowgirl up". That summer I learned the importance of being yourself - making decisions for yourself - treating everyone with respect and learning to just live life. Most of the time I get caught up in the hustle and bustle of every day life, but there are some days when it all just makes sense and feels right. Last Saturday I spent my day with sisters at a baseball game, saw the giant 40 ft duck chilling in the Hague and laughing hysterically at magic tricks performed by the world's creepiest old man at the Greek Festival. I had the time of my life - I had no one to report to, I did nothing wrong and I was finally living the way I'm supposed to. I was soaking up the sunlight, enjoying a pita full of lamb and shoving honey covered donuts into my mouth at an alarming pace. I could feel my mom's arms surrounding my friends and I as we enjoyed our youth and made memories that we wouldn't soon forget. Yesterday, someone burned popcorn in the microwave at work. I came home, changed into my comfy clothes and laughed to myself because I smelled like a bon fire. Instead of immediately throwing my dress and blazer in the wash, I hung them on the back of my door. Life's like the unexpected bon fire at work - you can't plan things without being slightly disappointed in the end. The only way to fully enjoy life is if you live in the moment because there's no chance of disappointment or regret. My dad tells me all the time that I can't be afraid to try new things. I can't be afraid to write people off because of a rumor or my own insecurities. He's the driving force behind my decisions these days and I'm thankful he's pushing me into meeting new people and having new experiences.

I've also been exploring my faith throughout this "live your life" movement I'm currently engaged in. I feel like God would instantly text me back if I initiated a conversation. I also think God's bold enough to use a read receipt on his messages just so you knew you were heard. I've started making plans for myself - not waiting on anyone or basing my plans on what the outcome might be. I have plans to travel to DC to tour museums and go to Nats games. I have plans to attend every country concert in VB this summer. I have plans to go to a Liverpool soccer game and James Taylor concert in Charlotte. I have a week at the beach on the books and a weekend at the lake with my family. I have so many things to look forward to and celebrate about life - it's too short to dwell in past decisions, good or bad. Life's too short to dwell on the people that bring constant negatively into your life or unnecessary anxiety and unhappiness. We all deserve to be happy and make decisions that bring out our best selves. I take comfort in Matthew 6:34, "therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself". God's basically telling us to put a cork in it and live the life he's providing. He can handle all our burdens and worries. He is choosing to handle everything for us. We just need to get out there and LIVE.

Dear God,
Help me to loosen the reins. Help me to take a step back and live life according to your terms. Help me see how beautiful the world around me is and allow me to live the life you're planning for me. Encourage me to live the life my mom would have wanted for me. Thank you for giving me glimmers of hope in my siblings and friends. Thank you for constantly picking me up when I'm down and giving me another day to try again. Thank you for reminding me to "Cowgirl up" and live. Amen.

Mother's Day

There's nothing I hate more than waking up early. Early to me is anytime before noon. That whole "the early bird gets the worm" thing just doesn't even come close to appealing to me. I say, let that bird get that worm cause in a few hours he won't be hungry and I'll snatch the next one. The worst is when you're dreaming and you wake up too soon and are left to wonder what happened in your dream. A week or so ago I had a dream about my mom and I can't stop thinking about it. My mom was sitting on a cloud watching me live life and go through my daily routine. She was opening doors for me so that I could walk through and explore new territories. She was closing certain doors behind me as well. I tried to talk to someone about my dream and attempted to Google what a dream like this could possibly mean...but didn't really gain any new understanding. The past couple days have been eerily suspicious because in more ways than one doors have been opened and closed. And it's comforting for me to think about my mom continuing to participate in my life. This past weekend I was able to get away from the hustle and bustle of life in VB and spend quality time with my family and my mom's best friend. It was a time of refocus and renewal. For three days I was able to tune the world out, dig my toes into the sand and soak up the sun. My heart has been suffering a lot since my mom passed - I'm desperate to find and feel love. I'm desperate to be a priority to someone, but I've been searching in all the wrong places. I've realized that sometimes it's better to walk away and allow time to tell the rest of the tale. This weekend I allowed my heart to be open to God and talk about feelings and emotions with two people I love the most - my dad and my mom's best friend. I started to wonder if the doors my mom was opening and closing for me had anything to do with my relationships and friendships - those that are damaging and those that bring great joy.

Without a doubt, I believe that one door my mother was opening led to the store front of Apricot Lane. Other students in the fashion merchandising program at ODU have been planning their internships for months. I, on the other hand, had a lot more to worry about than college this semester and didn't realize the importance of having an internship this summer. Through an act of God, I found the most perfect one ever. Everything has worked out and I am in love with the store and those that work beside me. I know my mom would be so proud of me for everything I've been able to accomplish this year and having this internship is the cherry on top. I intend to go places with my life and this internship is the first step in that process of gaining independence and rebuilding confidence in myself and in my degree. The door that shut in this case, was the door to my insecurity. I've never had a retail job before so I had absolutely no qualifications for employment at this boutique. They took a risk with me and for that I am so thankful - constantly amazed at the ways in which God works in my life.

My last thought about doors is that holidays like Mother's Day, Father's Day and Valentine's Day are stupid and useless. That's right. I'm not saying that cause I'm bitter or a jerk. I'm saying it because your mother, father, and loved one should be appreciated and celebrated all day, every day and they should know it. I understand that these are commercial holidays created by the industry so you feel pressure to buy flowers or jewelry or make pancakes to deliver to someone in bed only to have syrup all over your sheets and comforter for weeks. How many people buy flowers for their loved one on other days of the year? How many buy a card to mail, just because? How many people make their significant other toast or bring them lunch at work for no particular reason? Why is it that we wait for these crazy stupid holidays to appreciate the ones we love? On Mother's Day I received several kind text messages, facebook messages, instagram posts and phone calls. It was sweet that others thought of me and reached out to let me know they cared. I received several "today must be hard for you" messages...and if you sent one of those, you'd be 100% correct. Mother's Day was a difficult day for my family charged with raw emotion and anger. However, you'd be correct in texting me every single day with that message, "today must be hard for you". I don't care if it's Great Grandmother's Twice Removed Cousin's Day - that day would still be difficult for my family and I. Mother's Day is a sad excuse for spoiled kids to "thank" their mother's and complain about having to spend the day with the family. It's a day where all of a sudden, you have to celebrate someone else and put them first. We don't do a good job of remembering to put others first - myself included. I've gotten better over this past year, because I've been forced to do better. Thankfully, my parents and I have always had an open door policy. We've always been encouraged to share feelings and thoughts and openly appreciate and love one another.

The hardest part of losing my mother was that she wasn't just a parental figure - she was my friend and loyal companion. She was my advocate and confidant. We celebrated Mother's Day, Father's Day and Valentine's Day every single day of the last 22 years. We never went to bed upset with each other because we wouldn't be able to sleep. I remember the good ole days in middle school (which weren't really the good ole days) when my mom and I would disagree. She would never yell - she would just throw out that "I'm disappointed" phrase and the argument or disagreement was over and I would flee to my room and sob. I remember many nights, writing my mom notes to leave on her pillow apologizing for every not nice thing I said or did that disappointed her. I would leave the note on her pillow so that she would see it before bed and we would be fine in the morning. That's what was cool about my mom - she never admitted to winning a fight. After it was over, you'd never hear another word about it. If she held a grudge, I never knew it. A could days after my mom passed away we went through her bedside drawer. I found every single note I left on her pillow over the years. My mom really knew how much I loved and appreciated her. For that, I am thankful.

When I think about Angels, I think about my mom. She had a unique purpose on this Earth. She was here to do better for others - to show others that they deserved more. It's not okay to settle on happiness - you deserve to be over the top, world series game winning home run kind of happy. It's not okay to settle on employment - you deserve to be doing your dream job and working hard for what you love and support. It's not okay to settle on disagreeing - you should work to understand and seek to compromise so that nobody is left hurting. My mom might not physically be with me anymore, but she's continuing to teach me lessons from Heaven and draw me closer to God and scripture. There's a passage from Colossians that speaks to me tonight, "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him". We need to be Christ like and allow our hearts to speak out and demand the respect, attention and love we deserve. We need to rejoice in our ability to live life and cherish every moment spent with those we love and value. We need to give thanks for those that hurt us, love us and inspire us to do better. We need to do better for others, not just on Mother's Day, Father's Day and Valentine's Day...but every day because it is God's will. This summer I intend to follow my heart and strive to find inner happiness in my friends, my internship and my job. I intend to dive deeper into my relationship with God because it is the most important and honest relationship I have. God has continued my time on Earth because I am capable of so much more - I have no idea what I can do for myself or for others, but I'm so excited to continue this journey and find out.

Stupid Girl

I read a book yesterday. A whole entire book in one day. I hate reading - public school ruined me from reading for pleasure. I had to read a bunch of "classics" that are impossible to get through and understand. My mom loved to read and I never understood why. She would sit on the couch and read for hours. You'd have an entire conversation with the woman only for her to look up from her book and say "I'm sorry, did you say something?" I finally understand what it feels like to not be able to put a book down. I read "How to be a Hepburn in a Hilton World". Most of you probably think, because of it's title, that it is an extension of People Magazine...but it's totally not. I'll admit, the lingo is hip and the references are super hilariously modern, but the message is true for women of all ages. Let me share the lessons I've learned from 212 pages of text. First and foremost, there is something called "stupid girl syndrome". I witness it all the time and it's amplified because I'm in a sorority. I'll be the first to defend sororities and explain that my organization is different from the rest, but as a whole we are completely and entirely too dependent on social media outlets. These outlets contribute to the "stupid girl". The book goes on to address these medias and explains that we work ourselves up into a frenzy over things that ultimately don't matter and are out of our control. I know I spend hours obsessing over someone's photo-shopped profile picture wondering why I don't compare. I spend hours wondering how "he" could date "her". I spend hours flipping through old conversations with boys I thought were totally into me...only to discover that they were interested in what I appeared to be. Being a "stupid girl" isn't complicated at all. We let our emotions get the best of us and make decisions without thinking.

Another lesson in the book is to let guys be guys. Guys want something/someone to chase. If we chase them - what are they supposed to do? If you meet a decent guy (if they exist) and you exchange numbers...don't text him first or call him. Let him call you because if he's really interested, he will. If he does call, don't immediately Facebook friend request him. It all goes back to that movie "He's Just Not That Into You". For years I've responded immediately, counted days between a call, arranged my social media so that it would be appealing to the opposite sex and obsessed over every last word of a conversation and what it actually meant. After reading this book, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I finally understand what the author is talking about and what my friends and mother have told me for years. If a guy wants you to be a part of his life, he will make you a priority. If he wants to talk to you, he will find a way. You should never have to prove yourself to a guy because he should know how great you really are. I understand this is the 21st century and women should be able to open doors for themselves and call a guy first. But the point remains that by instantly friend requesting, sending multiple texts at a time and hanging on every word just makes us women look desperate. Personally, I'm not about looking desperate. So I plan to stop recycling boys I've previously dated and just be myself.

I think it's really cool and really sad that this book has so drastically changed my perspective of life. I feel more confident because I actually have nothing to lose. If someone doesn't like me, I should move on because there's someone else out there who actually will. The book also addresses a topic that's really challenging for me. The book talks about letting go of people that hold you back/people you don't actually like. I have a really hard time saying "no" to people because I don't want to hurt their feelings. Growing up I didn't have many friends and so I feel bad every time I'm asked to do something by someone I don't really like. The book explains that there is someone out there who will enjoy their company and to let them be free. That doesn't mean you should go up to them and say "our friendship has expired". It just means that you decline their offer and casually distance yourself. There are so many people in my life that just don't need to be a part of it. There are so many people that I find myself tip-toeing around because I'm afraid they'll ask me to do something or talk to me about personal stuff when I don't really care about them. That sounds bad, but everyone reading this knows what I mean. There's always that person who thinks you're closer with them than you actually are - it's super annoying and uncomfortable. So let me drop some knowledge on you: put yourself first. The people who put effort into a friendship or relationship won't let you go. You'll very quickly realize who your close friends are and those are really the only people you should want around.

Ultimately, the book just explains how important it is to be yourself. This is something I've struggled with for years and I largely blame boys and media. I was bullied by girls growing up but I don't think that's really what blew my confidence. I watch shows like the Bachelorette on TV and assume that I'm supposed to look, think and dress that way. I've tried dressing and looking and acting like an idiot around people I'm desperate to impress and I have nothing to show for it. I'm 5'2". I have dirty blonde hair and freckles on my cheeks and nose. I love duck dynasty and almost everything on the taco bell menu. I'll be the first one in the stands of any sporting event rain or shine. I actually really love my university. And I own yoga pants and workout clothes that have never seen the inside of a gym. I need to embrace that girl because that girl is who I am. For so many years I've hid behind what I thought were flaws - the things that make me different - and it's time I own up to who I am and kick all the negativity to the curb. I encourage you to kick the negativity in your lives to the curb as well. Finally, once the negativity is gone...you can let in the things and people that ultimately matter.

Since my mom's cancer I've opened back up to my relationship with God and the church. It's been a love/hate relationship for quite some time. I don't understand why things happen and I'm not happy about losing my mother. But putting God in the corner is not going to help me at this point in my life, or ever. By kicking all the negative people and situations out of my life, I have more time for prayers and thanksgivings to be made to God. I can't think of anyone I'd rather have more time for than my maker. You can be the you you've always wanted to be - you just need to reject the things that make you crazy and adopt the things that make you better. Start today!

Livin' on a Prayer

A couple days ago I had a bad day. It was one of those days where nothing went right. I'm not sure if my stress level has increased because I'm running off only a couple hours of sleep or because it's exam week...but I'm stressed to the max. I feel like I'm constantly treading water, but no matter how hard I tread I still sink. On the way home from my bad day I dialed a number I knew all too well. I called someone that I knew would understand...someone who could make everything better - my mom. When the voicemail began to play I realized what I had done and then was even more upset with myself. What do you do when your go-to person is permanently unavailable? I was desperate to reach someone who would care about my horrible day. So I began to search through the contents of my contact list. I was in a weird mood...I was upset, discouraged, annoyed and hurt. I dialed a number I hadn't called in a while. When she answered she seemed stunned and surprised that I was calling in the middle of the day on a Wednesday. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not very good at keeping in touch with anyone. It's a lot of effort and lately that's just been quite difficult to exert. We began to talk and I confessed that I only wanted someone to listen to my horrible day. She listened and volunteered advice when appropriate. We talked for a while and at the end of our conversation, my smile was back and I was ready to endure whatever horrible thing was coming next. The rest of my evening was pretty uneventful and simple. We had dinner, watched a movie and I finished my final exam. Right before bed I went to turn on my alarm for the morning and saw three separate text messages. Each message was from the person I called earlier that day. All of these messages were affirming my existence and reassuring me that God has a plan and everything will ultimately work out and be okay. In that moment, I knew I was loved and as lame as it sounds, I hugged my iphone. I physically hugged my iphone because the words that had come through cyberspace were exactly what I needed. Someone texted me to tell me I was great and that things would be better....and I didn't text them first or ask for a response. Why do we let other people and bad situations dictate our attitudes and decisions? I refuse to believe that I am the only 22 year old that thinks about other people before myself...but I do wonder where the others are?

Today I was driving home and I passed a church sign that said "Make up your mind about Jesus". I'll admit, I read the sign and thought "yeah, okay". It's difficult for me to make my mind up about Jesus. He created all of us and could have saved my mother. But He didn't. Or did He? I have so many questions and unfortunately, most cannot be answered. I hate when people tell me that everything happens with time. Do you know how hard it is to wait? Maybe I have a difficult time waiting because I've always been impatient...but I think a lot of it has to do with living on a timeline for the past 7 months. August 11 we were given a timeline of 13 months - you can imagine how disappointed I am that we only actually had 7. When you live with a ticking time bomb in your head for any given amount of time, you begin to wonder if you're living the right way. Over the past 7 months I had been running off adrenaline and trying to dive into every aspect of family life and time together. Now that my mom's gone my head is spinning because I don't understand what I'm doing with my time. I had a purpose over the past 7 months and now I am very confused. I feel as if all I ever do is waste time being alone or waste time on people who ultimately don't matter. That sounds incredibly harsh, but it's the truth. There's nothing worse than spending time and energy on someone who has no intention of putting you first or making you happy. And it's just not fair.

I looked into what the Bible says about time and found comfort in James 4:13-17. The passage says, "What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that'". Growing up my mom would joke around with my brother that she brought him into this world and if needed, she could take him out. God will call us/pull us/yank us when the time is right and remove us from our Earthly state. I spend so much time anxious, stressed, discouraged and upset. I should really be thanking God for the opportunity of life and all that comes with it. I should thank Him for the friendships and relationships that crash and burn. I should thank Him for the cold weather and the rain even when I'm soaked and miserable. I should thank Him for allowing me to live in His name and feel happiness, love and disappointment. My mood has drastically improved since finding this passage because if I really were to live life for God, I would be carefree. If I really and truly prayed and did what He asked of me, I would be on an established path moving in a direction where the future is promising. A common question I get these days is "what do you plan to do after college". I hate that question...but I only hate it because I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do. I begin to panic and stress about never finding a job or become upset that I don't feel a purpose in my life. I've learned that it's okay to wonder and question and raise concerns to God. I've also learned that I'm way too high-strung. This week is the first week of summer (for me) and I'm using it to begin my life actually living for God. I plan to say "yes" more frequently, listen carefully and live without my timeline of events. I need to live for the day, for myself and for God. As He says..."if the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that". I need to trust that if it is His will, it will be done and not try to hold onto or change the things that I can't. I will continue to wonder what He's up to and why He's taken my best friend. But I plan to learn more about His good works, toss my timeline and live off prayer.

Hypocrite

My friends and I have a saying, "tan fat is better than pale fat". I believe this to be absolutely true. Everybody looks better and feels better when they're tan. Everybody lives a little happier and breathes a little easier when the weather is sunny and 75 degrees, or at least I do. This weather has ruined all of my motivation for school work and all indoor activities though. Thankfully, I spent most of my day in this beautiful weather. This morning we walked to Stockley Gardens in Ghent and worshiped collectively with many of the local churches in celebration of Palm Sunday. It was a warm day filled with pollen and palms poking at our eyes, ears and noses - classic Palm Sunday experience. As a child I remember running out the door in a frilly dress late for Palm Sunday. Caroline and I were laughing this morning because for the first time in probably 10 or 12 years we were able to walk both ways - to and from the gardens. We usually were so late that we'd drive to Stockley Gardens, get out, sing "All Glory, Laud and Honor..." and then get back in the car and drive across the street to church. This year we were able to experience the walk both ways and understand the importance of wearing comfortable shoes - we'll do better next year. 

The gospel was different today. It was almost like a play narrated by several members of the congregation. There were no costumes or props. There was no background music or closing curtain. It was 5 people, projecting their voices and using specific tones to read their scripts. Sitting in the pew I absorbed as much of the passion as I could. It went through the whole betrayal part of Jesus' life. I sat there and began to hate everyone back then. I kept thinking "how could they betray Jesus" and "how could they just point and accuse and watch him suffer". I have some choice words for Judas, as I'm sure you can imagine. The longer I heard them carry-on in their biblical banter, the more I began to realize that maybe their actions were somewhat justified. If someone appeared, in the 21st century, healing the sick, curing the blind and resurrecting the dead...I think I'd be a little freaked out too. I don't know if I would encourage death, but I'd definitely point and direct someone to that specific individual. I think I would be extra helpful in identifying this individual because it's not possible to do those things and I'd need answers. I think people felt the same way - someone with this much power, even if it was used for good reasons, could be very dangerous and a liability to the community. Thinking about this story with my new train of thought kinda makes me even more mad. 

Jesus trusted his disciples to stand by him and support him through his Good Works - but when they were tested, they failed. To me, they're hypocrites. When things got tough and the community began to turn on Jesus the disciples did too - they denied their relation to Jesus and betrayed him by allowing him to hang on a cross. And even though they betrayed him, Jesus STILL saved them. The sad part is, we're hypocrites too...or at least I am. Jesus has done so much for my life and in times of doubt and despair, he's the first one I blame and the first one I boot out from my posse. Pastor Lauren spoke this Sunday about passion and the way Jesus lived his life from the start. Everything that man did, he did with conviction and passion - never wasted a breath. I was standing in the middle of my cul-de-sac Friday night talking with my neighbor. We started talking about my mom and how she was the ultimate mom. She shared stories with me about her experience as a parent and how my mom just had what it took to be a wonderful mom. My mom was a passionate parent - everything she endured and did was for her kids. When I think about passion, I think about my mom. I've never met someone who openly loved others the way she did - she made you feel special and loved the minute she entered a room. I don't know if it was conveyed through her warm "I love you" smile or her deep blue "I need you" eyes or her gentle "You're special" touch, but she truly had a gift of spreading acceptance and joy. When I think about passion, I think about my mom. She's probably swapping passion stories with Jesus in Heaven right now. 

I love the song "Happy" by Pharrell. It's so catchy and so my mom. She would love that song. Every time I hear it I can't help but dance and squirm in my seat. I can picture my mom grooving in the driver seat of her Kia Sportage loving life. I can picture her turning it up, snapping to the beat and laughing as I attempt to car dance better than her. This song captivates passion. Part of the refrain is: "Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof, because I'm happy. Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth, because I'm happy. Clap along if you know what happiness is to you." If only this song was released last summer before my mom's illness - it would have been her walk out song, ringtone and number 1 on her cd list. I've learned over the past 22 years and 7 months that happiness comes from within. It doesn't come from some cute boy who thinks he likes you. It doesn't come from your best friend of 20 years. It doesn't come from a care package of skittles and chocolates. Those things are happy and make life waaaay more fun, but happiness is truly something that develops deep inside of you that only you can control. 

My mom and I used to joke that I had a passion for fashion. I do love clothes and shopping and the way you can express yourself through this aesthetically appealing art form...but over the last 7 months I've learned that there is much more to life. I now have a passion for my family and friends. First and foremost I am a loyal friend. I put family and friendships before everything in life - before the grocery store, before school work, most of the time before any of my own needs. I don't know if that's right or wrong, but it's the only way I've been able to handle my life through all these tragedies. I suppose Christ should be my passion, but I don't necessarily enjoy being hypocritical. I love God and am eternally grateful for everything He has done and will continue to do for me. I know that I am one of His many passions. To him I'm not just a number or some random girl on Earth. He calls us each by name and would sacrifice His life all over again for me, for you, for anyone. Even though we betray him and run for the hills when we're scared or upset He continues to call out to us and bring us back home. I may run away from God again, because it's easy to turn away...but the bottom line is that I'll always come back home. I need to learn to rely on Him and not push Him away, but for now I know I can rely on Him to lead me back to my roots, sort through my passions and help me find happiness again all around and inside of me.

Dear God,

I pray for those that betray you. I pray for those that run from you in times of tragedy and heartache. I pray for those that cling to you in desperate need for guidance and consolation. I pray for those that seek renewal throughout this holy week - that they may be transformed by your unconditional love. Help us find happiness in this great big world of yours. Amen.

Cement blocks

What is real? What is true? What is right? These are questions I frequently ask myself. I ask these questions when I'm extremely happy and when I'm hysterically crying. There are days that I'm so happy and thankful to be alive. There are days that I go about my life and live it proudly for myself and my mom. And then there are days like today. Days like today I struggle to make it out of bed. I struggle through the motions of every day life - showering, eating and achieving. Some of these "struggle" days are bearable and others are just not. I often think I'd provide a good show for storm chasers. I feel like I have a tornado inside of me. I have homework, family responsibilities and obligations to my friends that keep piling up. All of these things and people swirl around my head and it's impossible to find a starting point. Much like a tornado, the speed at which these things spiral out of control is unreal and scary. After a tornado there's typically a chilling calm that spreads across the land. I don't know if that will be the case after my tornado is over, but that's all I can hope for at this point. I mean, things worked out for Dorthy in the Wizard of Oz so maybe I'll be alright too. Right about now I'm wishing I had some sparkly red shoes to click together and say "There's no place like Home". But when I think about 'home' I think about that cliche phrase of "Home is where the heart is". Well, what happens if your heart is in Heaven? Is that my home? And if that's the case, I won't be home for a very long while. The tornado inside of me won't cease because I lack motivation. Instead of meeting people half way, I expect them to invite themselves over and do everything for me. But that's not the way life or people work. Nobody can fix the storm brewing inside of me - no therapist or pastor or exotic healer. This is a storm I've got to control myself.

Sitting at a stop light tonight I started crying. I have no idea why the tears were pouring out of my eyes, but something must have triggered my emotions and I let loose. Through my tears I looked over at a sign on the side of the road. It said "Heaven is for real". I immediately thought about how stupid that sign was - everyone knows Heaven is real. I began to think about how sad I was that my mom was gone and how badly I wanted to run home, swing open the front door and attack her with a hug. I started thinking about how happy she probably would be to hug me and love me and vent about her day. I thought about how much she meant to me and how much influence she's had on my life. But then my thoughts shifted back to that stupid sign and I began to think about how happy she probably was to be in Heaven. I thought about how happy she was to be reunited with her mom and her maker. I thought about how she was probably riding shot gun in my car. Then I started to laugh because I envisioned her freaking out about my tears and how I couldn't drive well if I couldn't see the road. It brought me back to learning how to drive. My mom hated taking my sister and I driving. She would drive us to a parking lot with nothing in sight and allow us to drive in circles until we were bored. I was a fabulous parking lot driver with lots of hours logged, but had never seen the streets. She always said that my dad could risk his life riding with us and that she was content in the parking lot. There was one time I messed up while in the parking lot. She had me park at a space with a cement block in the front. I pulled in perfectly and began to mess with the radio. Of course, my mom freaked out and told me I shouldn't multitask. As you can imagine, this sparked quite the elevated voice match of "don't you touch that" and "I'm going to touch every button in this car". I thought I put the car in reverse to back out of the spot and park somewhere else, but much to our surprise I drove right over the cement block on the ground. My mom and I both immediately stopped yelling at each other and sat there in disbelief about what just happened. My car was halfway onto the grassy median for at least five minutes before either of us found the correct words to say. She asked if I was okay and I said I wanted to switch seats. We both got out of the car. I was trying to avoid eye contact because I knew I would get the mom daggers. The ones that say "I told you so" and "you're a disappointment". But as I was coming around the back of the car I felt a warm embrace. My mom just hugged me and said "I'm sorry, let's forget it". We both got back in the car and drove home - we never talked about that experience again.

My mom had a way with words. My dad was talking to me the other day about how my mom was the perfect +1 to any function. She was a social butterfly floating about the room drawing connections out of thin air and providing perfect networking trails. My dad confessed that one of his promotions at the Newport News Shipyard was attributed to my mom's positive and calming spirit. Apparently she met the boss of the company and had great conversation with his wife - Monday morning my dad was promoted! She made every event so special and wonderful just by being herself. Growing up my parents used to entertain a lot, and they were professionals at it too! We had so many dinner parties with fancy plates and cloth napkins. She always made a dish called Shrimp Bien Bien because her mother made it for company too. This shrimp dish has large shrimp, rice and lots of butter making it a very decedent dish. Earlier in the summer she made this particular dish because I had invited a boy over that I wanted to impress. Knowing that food was the key to my heart, I figured it would be the key to his too. We all sat down to eat this special meal when he leaned over to me and said "how do you eat this"? I looked at the plate horrified and wondering the same thing. My mom had made the casserole and left the shrimp tails on the shrimp. Caroline saw us eyeing our plates and began to laugh out-loud. My mom then realized what had happened and said "everybody loves finger food - dig in"! As I sat there mortified that we were fisting a casserole into our faces, I realized that life's too short not to laugh at your mistakes. And I also realized that if this boy decided he didn't like me over shrimp tails in a casserole, he wasn't the one for me anyway.

Words allow us to understand, communicate, question, and voice our opinions. Words allow us to make sense of what is happening within us and around us. The Bible has lots of words in it. Some of these words are consoling and others are startling, but they're words meant to convey a point. Jesus had many things he needed to convey to the world. His greatest message was that of love. I often am desperate to find love. I'm desperate to feel love. Many people love me, but it's not the love I want. I want love from my mom. Before she passed, in my final 15 minutes we must have exchanged at least 20 "I love yous". At the time I was crying and almost shouting that I loved her and she would respond immediately. I know her love is still with me, but it's often so hard to find when she's out of sight. Grief is a funny thing. In an hour I can feel about thirty different kinds of emotions. I know my mom is in a better place - I wanted her to pass when she did. She was miserable and her fight was over. Moments before she passed I was sitting in a waiting room praying, begging for mercy. Five minutes after I uttered "We'll be okay, you can let her go" my dad walked into the room and uttered two words I never expected or wanted to hear, "she's gone". When I think about her cancer my brain flashes back to all the momentous occasions: watching her seize, seeing the tumor on the monitor, greeting her at lake taylor, home health delivering the bed, ringing the bell signifying the end of radiation, her homecoming, celebrating holidays and special family days in a hospital so we could all be together - the list goes on and on. My point is, nobody understands what it's like to be me. Nobody can or will ever understand the grief and the struggles I face every single day. I don't expect anyone to and I would never wish this upon anyone. These days I look to God. I don't look to Him cause I'm supposed to or because it's expected. I look to Him because He knows I'm mad and upset. He knows I'm hurt and grieving. He knows that eventually I'll be okay. He doesn't expect any less of me at this time. And even though I can't see Him or hear Him, I know He's there. I know Heaven is real and I know I ran over a cement block in the parking lot of Kempsville Middle School and I know that at some point the storm inside of me will stop. It might take a while, but God's gonna love me through it.

Dear God,
Thank you for loving me even when I don't feel worthy. Thank you for the gift of family and friends. Thank you for words and their ability to express feelings and emotions. Thank you for the gift of writing. Thank you for cement blocks in parking lots and seemingly stupid script on roadway signs. Thank you for calling me as your own. Help me find purpose in my life here and help me see it through. Amen.

The Unibomber

Yesterday was an all around beautiful day. I've started this new thing where I do what I want, when I want and with who I want. I've started embracing this new thing called "opportunity". I've started to understand the importance of friendship, love and living to the fullest - it's a fast paced life with no looking back. I've grown to find happiness in all the strangest places over the past week and I'm so thankful for the push I needed, from friends and family, to get back on this crazy adventure we call life.

Yesterday night I went to the opening game for the Norfolk Tides. I love baseball so much. I beg my friends every year to go with me, but they would rather watch paint dry so I don't get to go very often. I received a free ticket from one of my newest friend groups and instead of coming up with 47 million excuses as to why I couldn't go, I just said "yes". I met them over at Harbor Park for an evening of laughing, junk food eating and rooting for our pathetic Norfolk Tides (they were horrible last night). We were sitting right behind first base with a view of the field...or at least that was everyone else's view. I was sitting behind some high schooler with the largest head I've ever seen. Now, his head might have been so large because he was wearing a baseball cap and a hood over it, like the unibomber, or it could have been what he was saying to the girl in front of me that just made me hate his huge head. Have you ever had a moment where you see your life flash before your eyes? Not in a "I'm gonna die" kind of way, but in a "she's living my past life, don't make that mistake" way? Well I had one of those moments last night - my heart was filled with anxiety and comfort for her.

There was this darling young girl, probably in high school sitting in a group with her friends, next to the 'unibomber wanna be' blocking my view. He ignored her through most of the game, asked her to buy him things, and then when she got mad he all of a sudden realized he was a jerk and should have acknowledged her in the first place. I watched the girl cave into his demands all night and say "it's alright" that he ignored her. I watched them leave the game hand-in-hand, unhappy and young in "love". Every girl has that guy they're crazy about, but I knew how this girl felt because in more ways than one, I've been there. I mean - the similarities were just crazy and I don't intend on sharing too many because it ultimately doesn't matter. I've been rejected so many times in my life but I've been too blind to see it, feel it or understand that maybe the ideal them isn't right for the real me. That couple was young and maybe we had nothing in common, but for the first time I witnessed a guy do what most guys do to me and I watched this girl react in ways I've always reacted. I sat there last night thankful that I was behind this girl and not in her shoes. So many times I wanted to smack his huge head and say "what is wrong with you". But here's the thing. Everyone has to crash and burn on their own time, whether it takes 15 years or 2 months. You've gotta test the waters and find out the answers to your own 'what ifs'. I've finally been through enough heartache where I know I deserve more. I've gotta take care of myself and demand respect. I can't live my life with the ideal image of a guy. I struggle with that the most: ideal vs. the reality of the situation. I tend to give everyone multiple chances and slack, but nobody deserves the amount of slack I dish out. Watching this couple made me thankful for the people in my life and the quality of care I receive from 99.9% of them daily.

One of the reasons I think my life has started to improve is that I've put priorities where they should have been all along. Throughout the course of my mom's illness I started to put people in places of power rather than God. I started holding people accountable for things they weren't capable of or couldn't control. Sunday was the first day of my life where I truly gave it all up to God. I worshiped with my whole family for the first time in seven months and truly felt the Holy Spirit wrapping his arms around me tightly. Since Sunday, I've felt God's unconditional love and guidance. God provides as long as you let him - the key is just letting go of the "ideal" and understanding that the "real" is better regardless. The devotion for April 4 comes from Psalms 73:22-26: "I was so foolish and ignorant - I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you. Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on Earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever". God is the keeper of my heart and the lover of my soul - he guides us with his counsel and leads us into glorious destiny. Why have I waited so long to be led into glorious destiny? Why will I continue to question and say 'no' when the obvious answer to God should always be 'yes'? Part of me thinks that maybe God gives us these first loves, last loves, tragedies and unfortunate events because He wants us to know that He's capable of fixing anything. He can make things new and special and loved again. He gives us these heart breaking situations to prove that life continues and through it all He's going to love us stronger and harder every day. And He's going to continue loving us more than anyone else ever can. For that, I am thankful and undeserving. I don't have all the answers or know if anything I say or feel is right, but I do know that God makes a difference and provides clarity in so many grey situations. All things, even the grey areas, can be salvaged, changed and accepted through love.

Love is an open door

It's my life goal to introduce as many people as I can to the movie "Frozen". It's not your typical Disney movie where the girl gets the guy and they ride off into the sunset. The whole movie is about overcoming adversity and along the way defines what "an act of true love" really is and what the power of love can do. If I think about love I begin to giggle. It's a feeling that's deep down inside of you. It's a feeling that's meant to be sorta uncomfortable - uncomfortable in a good way. Whenever I feel love, a warm sensation spreads from my toes to my nose. The world's goofiest smile becomes very difficult to remove from my face and I desperately search for the appropriate words to say. Recently, I've experienced very different kinds of love. I'm by no means a "love" expert, but I've learned a thing or two about the lengths people will go to extend and encourage love and how important it is in today's world. 

On March 22, the sanctuary of First Lutheran Church was full of love and light. I was standing in the welcome area of the church with my family, trying to keep my cool so that I could speak when it was time for the family reflections. I was doing really well until I saw a familiar face standing in front of me. It's a face I haven't seen in years. Immediately a warm sensation spread across my body and I began to blush uncontrollably and smile through my eyes. He approached me and extended a hug and hello. He began to laugh because he'd never seen me speechless - I'll admit, it is pretty rare that I have nothing to say. I kept repeating the same phrase over and over to him, "I can't believe you're here...I can't believe you drove all the way from South Carolina for this...I can't believe you're here". After a couple minutes of awkward staring and blushing and repeating myself he hugged me again and said something I'll never forget. He hugged me tightly and said "where else would I be?!" Maybe there are people out there who consciously think about their footprint or impact on others. I haven't been one of those people until recently. This particular person and I got off on the wrong foot while working at Lutheridge, a summer camp located in Arden, North Carolina. If there's anything he's taught me, it's that people can and will surprise you when you least expect it. Over the years we've grown to become great friends - covering all types of topics via email, texting, snapchatting and skype. More importantly, he's taught me about the gift of friendship and the ways in which love conquers all. I often find myself thinking "why am I willing to do so much more for others than they're willing to do for me?" Well, you don't just wake up at 2 am to drive from South Carolina to Virginia for anyone. He's taught me that maybe there are people out there that value friendship the way I do. Maybe there are people out there that are willing to sacrifice everything, including their time, for someone else because there's nowhere else they'd rather be. 

I am constantly "checked on" by so many these days. I love the "thinking of you" texts and voicemails I receive every day. It fills my heart with joy to know that people are still keeping us in their thoughts and prayers and continuing to reach out. I'll never be able to thank people enough for their kindness throughout this tragedy - but I've grown to be a better person because of this kindness. I find myself letting other cars merge into my lane, letting people cross in front of me on a crosswalk, apologize sooner, give gifts for no reason and tell people I love them more frequently. I also find myself wishing I could hug everyone that's kind. I was talking with a friend tonight and wanted nothing more than to come through the phone and hug her as hard as I could. I love when someone just gets it. When they just understand how important something is or what it means to you and you don't have to rehash everything or explain with every single detail. My mom was that way - she didn't need the details to understand that I was happy or upset. She didn't need to know who was involved - she just understood that sometimes all you need is someone on your side, regardless of whether you're right or wrong. Constantly having my mom in my corner is something I miss more and more every single day - she's in my corner from Heaven, but it's hard on Earth without her verbal support. Tonight I had that feeling. Tonight I felt like someone was on my team. Have you ever met someone and just known they were good? Like they put off a good vibe that made you feel safe or comfortable? I've got a friend that I don't know very well - I don't know if she had braces or if she's ever broken a bone. But I do know that I could show up on her doorstep and be greeted with a big smile and open arms. And that's where love comes in. Love is a friendship based on understanding the situation without knowing the details. Love is the silence that follows a surprise visitor. Love is the driving force behind all of my actions and thoughts - I am constantly thinking how I can love others better. Unfortunately, I'm often forgetting to love myself.

God calls us to love one another as we would love ourselves. I've found that it's much easier to love other people than to love myself though. I think I'm a good person and I strive to be better every single day. I love myself, but not as much as I should. I can think of about 50,000 flaws and imperfections that I'd rather not single out in a blog but I'm completely aware that they're there. Today I received an email from two of my favorite people on the whole entire planet. While reading this message I had a warm sensation spread across my body and a goofy smile on my face. Part of the message read, "The only advice we offer is what we've learned from chronically ill people, to get up and make yourself beautiful every day (with you that is just a little touching up) and it will help you cope". I read this part and giggled a little to myself - but they're absolutely right. I remember back to my junior year of high school when I got dumped by the first boy I seriously dated. I remember sitting in my driveway and hysterically crying because my "heart was broken". My mom put me in the car and took me shopping. I wore new clothes to school every single day that week. I didn't wear them to catch his attention or to win him back - I wore them because I needed a pick-me-up. My mom bought me 5 new outfits because she understood the importance of picking yourself back up and putting your best foot forward, even when your heart is hurting and you don't see the point. I've put more effort into my appearance and attitude over the last couple days because I've noticed that I feel better when I try to feel better. I feel better when I allow myself to love. I feel better when I understand that I am loved. The unfortunate part about any tragic loss is that life goes on, whether that person is there or not. I've been desperate to find any type of constant in my life and I think I've finally found it - the constant is love.

The passage I've chosen for tonight comes from 1 Peter 4:8-10. The passage reads, "Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace". We all have gifts whether it is cooking an incredible meal, being blessed with an athletic ability or listening to a friend in desperate need of consoling. All gifts are pleasing to God. We are to use our gifts to honor Him and better the lives of our neighbor. Love covers a multitude of sins. To me, this means that even through all of my imperfections and flaws, God loves me more and more every single day. God's always in my corner, supporting me from Heaven and giving me Earthly angels to support me in ways my mom no longer can. It feels good to reach out to others and love unconditionally. Just like "Frozen" teaches us, Love is an open door and we're crazy if we don't venture out and explore the life that God gave us. I've found that life is more enjoyable when we follow our hearts, trust each other and do more for those we care about regardless of whether they'll return the favor. Love is for giving - give it to yourself, give it to God and give it to the world.

Bueller...Bueller?

Lately I catch myself staring blankly into space. I don't know what I'm looking at or what I'm thinking...I'm merely existing. I find it extremely hard to focus on anything. I consider this week a success because I've worn real people clothes and made it out of my bed two days in a row. It takes so much more effort these days to fake a smile and pretend that I'm alright with the way life has panned out. I don't really want to see people or spend time with anyone. I enjoy being alone. When I'm alone I can talk to my mom. It may seem strange, but I lay on my bed or my floor with my face up to the ceiling. I just lay there and talk. Sometimes I cry, but mainly I just talk about my life and ask for advice. I know my mom's there because I feel her all around me, but there's nothing worse than hearing silence after a question I really need answered. I don't know what it is, but 10 different people could tell me the same piece of advice and it will never have the same weight as it does coming from a mom. When mom tells you something, you believe it or you do it; you do whatever you can to make her proud because usually she's right. My heart has been so heavy with so many unanswered questions. There's a permanent hole that will never be filled - nothing and nobody will ever replace a parent. I know that things get easier over time, but it's been 9 days since she passed. I've been grieving for 7 months and 15 days, but this is a different kind of grieving now. At least before there was a little glimmer of hope - some miracle might happen and she might be healed. Now, the fight is over and there's nothing I can do to bring her back.

I don't know how my mom cared for so many people all the time. I don't know how she was sharp as a tack about everything. I don't know how you can run in a million different circles and never lose your breath. I'm learning that I can't fix and do everything. I have no more adrenaline left. While my mom was sick the house was spotless, laundry promptly done and dishes were sparkling like they do in a Cascade Ad. Now that she's gone, I've lost my motivation for cleanliness. My room looks like an explosion occurred at Banana Republic and I honestly can't tell you the last time I brushed my hair. I'm learning that I've got to come first sometimes. I can't help others and do good things if I can't even take care of myself. You see it all the time on TV shows like "What Not to Wear" or "10 Years Younger" - moms who care so much about other people - their friends, family members - and they just care for themselves. I never thought I'd be one of those people. I looked to the Bible tonight for some comfort - spoiler alert, I fond some. 1 Corinthians 3:16 says "do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's spirit dwells in you?". I found this phrase to be so true. So often we forget that our bodies are a gift. So often we forget that we deserve to cherish our ability to walk, run, feel, touch and exist. So often we put our bodies through the worst because we forget that they're a gift from God. My body is a temple and should be protected and honored and treated as such. Would you drop a Bible into a big muddy puddle on purpose? No, or at least your answer should be no. The Bible will deteriorate and the word of God will be destroyed. Your body is the same way - you can't let it purposefully deteriorate because that is not pleasing to God. So often I forget that I'm alive and in this world because God created me to be. For some reason I'm needed here - everyone reading this blog tonight is here for a specific purpose. We need to use our bodies to proclaim the Good News and honor God for giving us life and the ability to live it. 

Another passage I read comforted me and caused me to shake my head. It was something I needed to see. The passage comes from Romans 12:1-2, "I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect". The part of the passage that says "do not be conformed to this world" continues to repeat in my mind - almost kind of like an echo. Over the last seven months I've conformed to everything everyone has thrown at me. I've become very good at keeping the peace and being agreeable. But I think there's more to life than being everyone's buddy all the time. The Bible says "be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God". This is the kind of reassurance I have been desperately searching for! Through trial and error I can discern what my will on this Earth is or what it can be. I am confident I will make mistakes, hurt feelings and betray God but that is how I learn and that is how I grow. I need to use my mind to transform my sorrow and grief into a positive message to share with the world. I can not conform with society and grieve for the rest of my life - I have to set the example. I need to cherish my body and treat it well. I need to use my mind to perform God's will, doing what is perfect and acceptable to Him. I think the most important two words in this passage though are "living sacrifice". Show of hands, who thought of themselves as a living sacrifice? Bueller...Bueller? Exactly. I never did - in fact, I had to read the passage a couple times before I understood it was talking about me.  God created us, in His image, to do His will. We are here and we are called to do what He asks of us. At my mom's funeral we sang "Here I am Lord" during communion. That song plays continuously in my heart. I often wonder when it will be my turn for Him to call on me? Has He already called? Did I send Him to voicemail or am I doing His will? How do you know? So often I forget that this life is much bigger than the image of isolation and loneliness I have trapped inside my skull. I guess that's why we have the word of God written down - so that all may know His good works and promises. 

Dear God, 

Help us continue to live wonderfully in your name. Help us learn to give our worries and concerns up to you. Help us focus on solely the things we can control. Be with us while we grieve the loss of my mom. Please continue to hug her so so tightly. Thank you for my body. Thank you for the gifts you've given me to share in your name. Be with me as I sin boldly and search for your peace. Amen.