Bueller...Bueller?

Lately I catch myself staring blankly into space. I don't know what I'm looking at or what I'm thinking...I'm merely existing. I find it extremely hard to focus on anything. I consider this week a success because I've worn real people clothes and made it out of my bed two days in a row. It takes so much more effort these days to fake a smile and pretend that I'm alright with the way life has panned out. I don't really want to see people or spend time with anyone. I enjoy being alone. When I'm alone I can talk to my mom. It may seem strange, but I lay on my bed or my floor with my face up to the ceiling. I just lay there and talk. Sometimes I cry, but mainly I just talk about my life and ask for advice. I know my mom's there because I feel her all around me, but there's nothing worse than hearing silence after a question I really need answered. I don't know what it is, but 10 different people could tell me the same piece of advice and it will never have the same weight as it does coming from a mom. When mom tells you something, you believe it or you do it; you do whatever you can to make her proud because usually she's right. My heart has been so heavy with so many unanswered questions. There's a permanent hole that will never be filled - nothing and nobody will ever replace a parent. I know that things get easier over time, but it's been 9 days since she passed. I've been grieving for 7 months and 15 days, but this is a different kind of grieving now. At least before there was a little glimmer of hope - some miracle might happen and she might be healed. Now, the fight is over and there's nothing I can do to bring her back.

I don't know how my mom cared for so many people all the time. I don't know how she was sharp as a tack about everything. I don't know how you can run in a million different circles and never lose your breath. I'm learning that I can't fix and do everything. I have no more adrenaline left. While my mom was sick the house was spotless, laundry promptly done and dishes were sparkling like they do in a Cascade Ad. Now that she's gone, I've lost my motivation for cleanliness. My room looks like an explosion occurred at Banana Republic and I honestly can't tell you the last time I brushed my hair. I'm learning that I've got to come first sometimes. I can't help others and do good things if I can't even take care of myself. You see it all the time on TV shows like "What Not to Wear" or "10 Years Younger" - moms who care so much about other people - their friends, family members - and they just care for themselves. I never thought I'd be one of those people. I looked to the Bible tonight for some comfort - spoiler alert, I fond some. 1 Corinthians 3:16 says "do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's spirit dwells in you?". I found this phrase to be so true. So often we forget that our bodies are a gift. So often we forget that we deserve to cherish our ability to walk, run, feel, touch and exist. So often we put our bodies through the worst because we forget that they're a gift from God. My body is a temple and should be protected and honored and treated as such. Would you drop a Bible into a big muddy puddle on purpose? No, or at least your answer should be no. The Bible will deteriorate and the word of God will be destroyed. Your body is the same way - you can't let it purposefully deteriorate because that is not pleasing to God. So often I forget that I'm alive and in this world because God created me to be. For some reason I'm needed here - everyone reading this blog tonight is here for a specific purpose. We need to use our bodies to proclaim the Good News and honor God for giving us life and the ability to live it. 

Another passage I read comforted me and caused me to shake my head. It was something I needed to see. The passage comes from Romans 12:1-2, "I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect". The part of the passage that says "do not be conformed to this world" continues to repeat in my mind - almost kind of like an echo. Over the last seven months I've conformed to everything everyone has thrown at me. I've become very good at keeping the peace and being agreeable. But I think there's more to life than being everyone's buddy all the time. The Bible says "be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God". This is the kind of reassurance I have been desperately searching for! Through trial and error I can discern what my will on this Earth is or what it can be. I am confident I will make mistakes, hurt feelings and betray God but that is how I learn and that is how I grow. I need to use my mind to transform my sorrow and grief into a positive message to share with the world. I can not conform with society and grieve for the rest of my life - I have to set the example. I need to cherish my body and treat it well. I need to use my mind to perform God's will, doing what is perfect and acceptable to Him. I think the most important two words in this passage though are "living sacrifice". Show of hands, who thought of themselves as a living sacrifice? Bueller...Bueller? Exactly. I never did - in fact, I had to read the passage a couple times before I understood it was talking about me.  God created us, in His image, to do His will. We are here and we are called to do what He asks of us. At my mom's funeral we sang "Here I am Lord" during communion. That song plays continuously in my heart. I often wonder when it will be my turn for Him to call on me? Has He already called? Did I send Him to voicemail or am I doing His will? How do you know? So often I forget that this life is much bigger than the image of isolation and loneliness I have trapped inside my skull. I guess that's why we have the word of God written down - so that all may know His good works and promises. 

Dear God, 

Help us continue to live wonderfully in your name. Help us learn to give our worries and concerns up to you. Help us focus on solely the things we can control. Be with us while we grieve the loss of my mom. Please continue to hug her so so tightly. Thank you for my body. Thank you for the gifts you've given me to share in your name. Be with me as I sin boldly and search for your peace. Amen.