Monday, December 30, 2013

Take a number

 

We all have people in our lives that demand attention. I demand attention at various times, but not ALL the time. During the holidays it was interesting to see who was selfless and who was selfish. We had a combined holiday feast - both sides of my family ate together on Christmas day so that it wouldn't be over-stimulating for my mom. Believe it or not, one big blow-out event is better than several small gatherings. At least that's the way things are now. Several times in the planning process I wanted to say "I don't care what's more convenient for you - it's not ABOUT you". These last 4 months have been very challenging. Why? My mom is the most selfless person I know, hands down. She is always thinking of someone else - she only thinks of herself when everyone else is content and happy (even that's questionable). To this day, she makes sure I've eaten or fed the dog or checked my brother's homework. I will admit that thinking of other people has been hard for me - especially during my greedy twenties. These are the most crucial years to make mistakes, memories and think about and for myself. I don't have that luxury. I have to think about 4 other people before I think about myself. Ask me the last time I went shopping by myself, for something completely unnecessary? Ask me the last time I spent a day doing exactly what I wanted to do? It's part of growing up...my mom hasn't had a day to herself in 22 years, at least. My mom always picked up the pieces when things were broken...and it's much harder to do than you'd think. She kept things together so well...I didn't have many serious concerns or worries because she had them for me. My mom is the glue that keeps my family together - we'd be together if she weren't here...but she encouraged us to eat meals as a family, apologize when in doubt, and thank the Lord for everything we're given. These last 4 months have been about her. I just wish it didn't take cancer for us to appreciate her more.

I've always appreciated my mom. I've always been proud to stand by her, sit on her or laugh obnoxiously with her. I'm not sure I always showed my affection towards her though. She knows I love her and am thankful for her presence in my life...but there are so many other things I could have done. I could have given better gifts, I could have spoken kinder, I could have done things the first time she asked me...my list could go on and on. I challenge you to be selfless for one day. It's difficult. My mom has taught me many things over the years...but selflessness can't be taught. So many people, myself included, are selfish in today's world. We need the newest things that will elevate us higher on the social scale of our materialistic society. Most of us don't have to ever think of others, but if you do...you understand that there are more important things in life than your own personal happiness. It's important...it just might not need to be the sole focus of your life.

Revelation has one theme: it's all about God. The main purpose of the chapter is to focus on God. To some, that's simple. To others, like me, it's not. How can I focus on God when I'm focusing on my mom? Why would I focus on God when he's done this to my mom? I have so many questions that can't be answered by anyone but God. The devotion, Revelation 22:12-13, 16-21, ends by saying "may the grace of the Lord Jesus be with God's holy people". God's son, Jesus, died on a cross for our sins...he was crucified for us...talk about selflessness. I struggle with waking up early, fixing everyone else food before I can eat and constantly replacing toilet paper in the bathrooms (apparently no one else can do that)...but it all seems so stupid when you think about the things God has done for us. Not only is he the reason for the season, but he's also the reason why we're all here. I think I could stand to think about him a little more than I have been. This blog has helped me understand my frustration and anger with God. I've been able to talk about my emotions and feelings while reading about God's love and how it pertains to me. While my life is revolving around taking care of my mom and my family...it needs to revolve around God too. Through time I'll have a better understanding of what exactly is happening in my life and God's involvement in it all. Right now, I will continue to put my mom and family first and tell everyone else to take a number...except God. It's time I let him in to stay for a while.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Little moments

 

I'm guilty of wishing my life away. In elementary school, I couldn't wait to get to middle school. In middle school, I couldn't wait to be anywhere else. In high school, college was waaaay cooler. Now that I'm in college, I'm fairly content but I'd still like to speed up the process. I want to be independent, loved, established and secure. I wish these things could happen overnight - sadly, they take time. I have lots of time for shopping, diaper changing, essay writing but not enough time where it counts...with my mom. The only cool thing about serious illnesses or diseases is that the people affected tend to have no concept of time and enjoy the 'little things'...the things we take for granted. My granddad has dementia and has been long gone for quite some time. Sometimes we would pick him up for ice cream and he would talk about the colors of the leaves or the shades of the cars on the interstate. The changing colors of the leaves happens every year and they always turn the same types of colors...but that doesn't make them any less beautiful. I am guilty of not noticing the 'little things' because I'm so occupied with other things that ultimately don't matter.

The devotion for today comes from Revelation 21:1-5 and talks about heaven and earth. It talks about how both words shouldn't be separated because, together, they make up God's workplace. Eugene Peterson once said, "Heaven is not simply a dream to retreat to when things get messy on earth. We have access to heaven now".

Ask me for a list of my favorite things and you'll find that country music, key lime pie and high heeled shoes make the top. I'd venture to say that these things make up my heaven on earth. Each person has a different vision of heaven. I think moments spent laughing so hard you almost barf and painting your nails various shades of pink are pieces of heaven too. I think there can be two different types - a temporary heaven on earth and a permanent invisible playground with God. Heaven sounds sorta like a surprise destination honeymoon. You don't know where you're going, you're not sure what to bring with you and you don't really know what it will be like when you get there. To me, that's the best part. We all deserve surprises - especially after we work so hard in our daily lives. We work so hard that we forget how to play and enjoy the 'little things' in life that make it all worth while. Throughout my mom's fight against cancer, my family has had to slow down and take our time processing information. I still find myself missing many 'little things', but I'm learning to look for them.

I love smiles so much more than I used to - a smile can mean so much and truly reveals so much affection. I've found myself enjoying red lights while driving home because it's a time when I can sit and reflect. I enjoy moments spent with loved ones, not because we're watching a football game or tv series...but because we're just being together. I've learned so much over the past 4 months about life, love and little moments - but I haven't learned enough. God's given us the tools to succeed and find our own happiness on earth. I don't think those tools can be found in electronics, bakeries or books. I think happiness and pieces of heaven are seen through the people you surround yourself with at all times. Heaven can be found in moments alone with God in prayer, in a crowded room of family members just being together and in strangers who lead you to things you didn't know you were looking for. While I really enjoy a good key lime pie or a pair of navy wedges, I know that my happiness and heaven is found in those I love. The people I never knew I needed and the people God gave me to succeed. One of my resolutions for the new year is to stop wishing my life away - to enjoy the little moments of heaven that I'm given. I am so blessed to be a part of God's plan and given many opportunities to witness heaven on earth.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Witness

There are many things I find unpleasant in this world. I find jelly fish, doctor appointments, coconut on desserts and jury duty unpleasant. Nobody likes having jury duty. The minute I was able to vote, I registered. I didn't realize that when you register, it puts your name in the system with a big red flag for jury duty. I have been given jury duty every year since I turned 18. Thankfully I'm a student and can have it waved...now we are clear as to why I don't plan on graduating anytime soon (semi joking). I was in the Legal Studies Academy in high school because I thought I wanted to be a sports and entertainment lawyer. I visited two different jails, our state capital and the White House many times. I argued a court case in front of three appellate court judges and participated in many mock trail cases as the attorney, witness and victim. One of my most favorite experiences was attending an international Model United Nations conference. I was representing Zimbabwe with my friend Chandler. The conference was held in Boston at Harvard and lasted 4 or 5 days. Chandler and I could not wait to go because Mary-Kate and Ashley competed in a MUN conference in their movie "Winning London". We totally thought cute boys were going to compete against us, fall in love and persuade us to move to London. Unfortunately, nobody was attractive and everyone was pretty serious about their treaties, pacts and war threats. Needless to say, the only award we won was a superlative - "hottest delegation". I learned a lot of things while at Harvard: winter coats are a necessity, study pertinent information before you compete internationally and be a keen observer.

While in the academy I had an internship with Gay & Cipriano Law Firm in Virginia Beach. It was a small office with kind and diligent attorneys and staff. I answered phones, filed a lot of paperwork and perfected the classic coffee order. I was able to sit in traffic court a couple times with the attorneys - it was cool for about 2 minutes and then I realized it's the same crimes over and over again...running a stop sign, red light or parking illegally. Sometimes the crimes were a little more crazy like speeding in a school zone or littering while driving. I joke about the "thrills" of traffic court but they all have something in common - someone was observing these things happen. Observations make the world go round. Ever sat down in a mall? Ever looked around at all the people moving 100 miles an hour? It's incredible what you can see happen just by watching.

The devotion for today talks about the word "Amen". This word can be interpreted as an ending phrase common at the end of a powerful message or prayer. It means that Jesus' promises are good, true and trustworthy. In biblical times there were three main rules to witness properly:
1. You had to see it
2. You had to 'truthfully' share what you saw.
3. You had to witness it, so you could share it and have others believe you.

The devotion talks about why we can trust Jesus - Jesus knows God because he is his son. Therefore, Jesus' words must be true and trustworthy. I believe Jesus and I believe God. I don't believe his words for these reasons though. In the Santa Claus 2, Charlie tells Lucy "Seeing isn't believing, believing is seeing". Even if I saw God, I don't think I'd believe in him any more or any less. I would still doubt him sometimes - especially when tragedies occur. If we could see him, I think we'd be more disappointed and angry because we'd have someone to actually put blame on. I believe in Him because many unexplainable things have happened throughout the course of my life that lead to a higher being. A year or two after my grandmother passed away, my mom found out she was having another child. While it wasn't in OUR plan, it was in God's. My brother Michael is a piece of my mom that we'll have forever. When we told Michael about my mom's illness - how we were all going to fight and do what we could to make her life the best it could be...we told him the truth. We told him there were many unknowns and that it's easier to accept the worst and hope for a miracle. I remember hugging him so tightly and saying "Michael, you were the best gift she gave us." Michael held onto me tighter and through gasping breaths he said "she was my gift". I don't think I've ever cried harder. I'm sobbing as I'm typing. I guess my point is that we're witnesses to so many of God's gifts and curveballs. We witness court cases as jurers, crazy shoppers in the mall and tragedies take place in our lives and in the media. God is everywhere and in everything - sometimes it's hard to understand and we may never really know why things happen. It's important to make observations and trust what you see/interpret happening. I think it's also equally important to trust in the things you cannot see, like God. God asks us to believe in him without seeing him - in a world filled with facetime, snapchat and instagram it's hard to understand how we could fathom this request. I see God in my prayers, through my loved ones and in the strangers I encounter every day...we see him more than we think we do. We don't see him in the way he's depicted in pictures - but we see him through Christian actions and unconditional love. I hope that through this blog, readers can see how they witness Christ and use their actions to reflect his love. Amen.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

The Line leader

Often times we make mistakes - we say the wrong thing or act out in anger over things we assume or misunderstand. Sometimes our anger is justified. I've been replaying a recent encounter over and over again in my head and it's driving me crazy. My dad and I were at the grocery store earlier this week. We were halfway down the bread aisle when we saw one of my childhood friends...unfortunately it was too late to turn around. She smiled and extended a friendly hello. She continued the conversation asking about the family, school, how I was and reminiscing about the 'good ole days'. It was a 10 minute conversation I didn't want or need to have. My dad and I left the aisle totally puzzled. You see, this girl was my best friend in elementary school. I would go to her house every morning and we would watch MTV music videos before school. We had sleepovers every weekend alternating between our two houses. One summer she went to Europe and we kept diaries detailed with what we did every day we were apart and exchanged when she got back - ensuring the other hadn't missed a thing! She was more like another sister than a friend. Middle school changed everything, as it often does. I have yet to meet a person that enjoyed middle school enough to do it again; if you are one of those people...you're probably the reason why it was so miserable for everyone else (just saying). Needless to say, it changed our friendship. Middle school taught me that there are two different types of people in the world: leaders and followers. She was a follower. When the other girls were mean to me and made up rumors, left me out and called me names - she opted to stand behind the group instead of being isolated with me. In my eyes, her betrayal was worse because she was a coward. She never directly did anything to me...but she deserted me when I needed a friend the most.

I hadn't spoken to her since the 7th grade and she hadn't really crossed my mind. I never thought about forgiving her because I never thought she deserved it. During our 10 minute conversation I didn't bring up my mom or my family situation. I didn't think she deserved to know. On the drive home I asked my dad why he thought she talked to us - she could have easily smiled and walked away. I said "does she not remember what she did to me?" It's times like this where God talks to me through my dad. He said "I think she's grown up, Katie. I think she's moved on and you should too. It's time to forgive." I didn't have a response at that time, but I'm starting to think he's right. I'm embarrassed to admit how long I've disliked her or wished ill upon her. I've thought about her a lot over the past few days and how my life would have been so different without her presence - the good and the bad. My life turned out pretty great because of the crappy situations I've been dealt. I never would have transferred high schools and been in the Legal Studies Academy. I never would have played a higher level of tennis or earned a teaching contract without those mean girls influencing my decisions. I wouldn't have valued my relationship with my mom as much if I had such loyal girl friends. I now want to run to her house, ring her doorbell and thank her for being a follower. I want to thank her for stopping my dad and I in the grocery store - maybe people do deserve second chances. Maybe I should have told her about my mom and our new reality. Maybe I shouldn't always be so guarded.

In my experience, I don't like being the first or the last to do anything; especially when it comes to apologizing. I don't want to ruin my reputation or admit defeat. Thankfully, Jesus tells us in Revelation 1:12-20 that we should not be afraid. He is "the First and the Last". Forgiveness is a hard thing because you can SAY you forgive someone without actually doing it. This summer I co-led a small group at Kairos with my friend Jenna. We talked about forgiveness and encouraged the kids to forgive those who've wronged them. Throughout the week I realized I was a hypocrite. Forgiveness is something that comes over time when you finally give it up to God. When it's released from your heart or soul or wherever you're holding your anger...you feel better instantly. I forgive this girl because she deserves it. Why does she deserve it? Because Christ tells us to love one another. He tells us to forgive unconditionally. He wants us to act like Christ and share the Good News. We all make mistakes but we never make them alone. Christ is the Alpha and the Omega - the first and the very last; I can make decisions and forgive knowing that it won't be my first or my last time doing so. I encourage all who read this blog, to search for ways you can forgive those who've wronged you too. There's a peace that surrounds those who truly forgive - I hope you find it.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Cindy Lou, Whoo?

Today I was out in the world experiencing Christmas from a consumer standpoint. It was chaos everywhere - the lines in every store were long and dysfunctional. Sales associates were seemingly pleasant as people flocked to displays with clearance and sale items desperate to find a suitable gift for that "special someone". It was almost comical to observe. I was walking through Nordstroms and heard a child say "WOAH, $120 dollars for a pair of slippers?" and the dad said "Well, it's for your mother!" Holiday cheer is all around. I'm a sucker for a great gift...I beam and then desperately search for words to properly thank the giver. I still remember one Christmas in particular. I must have been around the age of 6. I remember running down the stairs of our old house in Norfolk; I peaked around the corner and saw the most beautiful pink Barbie dollhouse. It was as big as I was. It was furnished with a bed, refrigerator, hot tub and Christmas tree (the necessities). I was so excited I ran to my dad, who was video taping at the time, and gave him the biggest hug I could. A few years ago we watched the footage from that Christmas and it looks like a level 8 Earthquake hit Virginia during that time. While the video made us all rethink our food choices - it was nice to see an adequate amount of appreciation.

My family watched 'The Grinch' (Jim Carey version) a couple days ago and it provoked several thoughts: Why didn't people discriminate the Grinch because he was green, hairy and looked nothing like any of the other whoos? Why weren't the old ladies first alarmed when he ate the ceramic Santa plate? Was 'The Grinch' an exaggerated example of consumerism throughout the holiday season? I feel like the cartoon Grinch is a completely different movie because none of the characters are really developed...except for the Grinch. In the Jim Carey version, you start to understand the characters and their struggles. I think the movie is an accurate representation of our society throughout the holidays - maxing out credit cards so that everyone has a "great Christmas", competing in light shows because it means you have "the most Christmas spirit" and judging others based on their interpretation of the season. Cindy Lou is sorta like Jesus in the movie - hear me out. She understands that there's got to be something more to Christmas than packages and bows. She extends a welcome hand to the Grinch, whether he deserves it or not, and continues to encourage him back to Whooville. When mocked, blamed and rewarded for her actions she stands tall and sticks to her beliefs. Cindy Lou is the hero of the story, at least to me. The Grinch comes back to Whooville with the gifts and falls back in love with Martha Mae. He comes to understand that love can conquer all things - but he wouldn't have come to that understanding without Cindy Lou. Likewise, we can't conquer anything without Jesus. He is love.

My family hopes to go to the Christmas Eve service this year. We've been every year I've been alive...it's just what we do on Christmas Eve. I couldn't imagine being anywhere else. There's a special part of the service where we light candles and turn the sanctuary lights off. We sing carols by candlelight and it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Part of me is incredibly anxious for the lights to come back on because there are so many flammable things in the sanctuary, but the other part of me is completely at peace. We are all singing as one and providing our own light. The light is dependent on the wick remaining lit - without that light we wouldn't know the words to verses 2-4 of every Christmas carol. We have the same dependency on Jesus. I don't know the words, melody or rhythm to the rest of my life and I need Him to guide me. The bible says, "...the truth lives in us and will be with us forever." We were created in God's image, to me, meaning that we were brought into the truth, surrounded by unconditional love and forgiven of our sins. 2 John 1-6 also says, "I am writing to remind you, dear friends, that we should love one another. This is not a new commandment, but one we have had from the beginning." My devotion book wraps it all up by saying, "the truth without love is hard and ungracious and love without the truth is empty and meaningless." The truth can be found in our ability to show unconditional love towards friends and family that give us great gifts we'll remember forever. The truth can be found in our favorite holiday classics where love conquers all. The truth can also be found in the sanctuary of your second home. Honestly, I think truth can be found in all of us - we're all a little Grinchy at times, but we're able to show appreciation and love when it's deserved. We could all do a better job sharing it unconditionally, which is much MUCH harder.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

1-4-3

 

Over the last couple days I've struggled with my emotions. I love the holidays...I really do. But as Christmas is rapidly approaching I've found it hard to truly be in the "spirit". At this time in my life disappointments hurt so much more than they used to; simple things like plans falling through or an incorrect word choice in a seemingly important conversation. I'm starting to realize that most of my disappointment stems from my ability to hoist every person high up on pedestals. We're all human, and we make mistakes - I certainly make enough for all of us. I tend to hold people to higher standards that are impossible to maintain or ever achieve. I also find myself spoiling my own happiness because I don't feel like I deserve it. I don't think I should be out having fun nights with friends or laughing so hard my stomach hurts for the next couple hours. I remember my mom and I talking about death after my grandma passed away when I was in the 5th grade. She talked about how wrong it was, to her, that people carried on with their daily routine. Shouldn't the world stop and be sad? Shouldn't they feel bad for our loss and cry with us? I remember this conversation so vividly and I replay it often in my head due to my current situation. I understand that being sad all the time does no good - but I can't figure out how to find a happy medium. One of my sorority sisters has a tattoo that says "we only accept the love we think we deserve", or something along those lines. Since meeting her, I've thought about what that really means. It applies to me - right now, I'm searching for any kind of happiness that will make this life a little easier. Yet, I try to push it away and reject it at the same time. While some people would venture to say that I'm a crazy person...I'd object - I'm just seriously confused. I haven't blogged in two days because I've been entertaining friends from out of town and haven't found the time...but I'll sum up the devotions we've missed. They all work together demonstrating that God is desperate for my attention and affection.

The verses come from 1 John 3:13-14, 16-18, 22-24 and 4:7, 10-13, 16-17, 19. These devotions talk about God's love and how it's not just a feeling, but a choice. We love God only as much as the person we love the least. It gives the analogy of climbing a hill. If we climb by ourselves, eventually we will reach the top. If we are climbing and see someone struggling in front of us, we should help them climb to the top. Helping a neighbor will help you climb higher because you're demonstrating God's love. I'm 22 and have found love to be a messy thing. People freak out when they hear the phrase "I love you" and claim that it's entirely overused. False, I think we're missing the point. God wants us to treat others with respect, no matter how many times they disappoint or upset us. He wants us to feel confident and comfortable in our ability to love one another. John writes, "Dear children, let's not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions". You don't have to say "I love you" to someone for them to understand how you feel - duh. Valentine's day should be an every day kind of thing. Showing love is opening a door for a stranger, dropping 20 cents in a Salvation Army kettle, or taking your brother Christmas shopping even though you'd rather be hit by a mac truck. The point is, "God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them." The time has come for me to practice what I preach. I need to greet the world with open arms and embrace the negativity with affection. I need to show others I care about them and not just assume they know. I need to step aside and let myself feel happiness and accept care and affection from others. I deserve it. We all do. Share love today and everyday.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

World Series Kind of Love

 

Have you ever had a best friend? Have you ever fallen in love? Have you ever struggled with sharing your feelings? I confess...I fall in love easily. I love chocolate, shoes, turtles and those chewy mints at fancy restaurants. I love many people, for many different reasons. I love my family because they're always going to have my back...even when I'm wrong. I love my friends because they make life a little more bearable, especially throughout this time. I've even been in love with a boy. I've loved a few boys...this isn't because I've had multiple serious relationships...but in my experience - once you share your day with someone, they become part of a routine. That routine makes up your life. Therefore (transitive property) that person is part of your routine in which you talk about things that are super important to you - worries, gossip, accolades and all. It's easy to adore someone that trusts you with vital information about themselves and their life. I believe there are many different stages of love. I've been on dates with someone that I love - not in a can't eat, can't sleep, world series kind of way...but because I've known him for years. He's seen me at my worst and at my best - we've fought and we've been the best of friends. I love him because he knows the real me. The real me is an avid sports fan, notorious for witty banter, constantly humming or singing country songs and first-and-foremost a straight-shooter. As we were watching a basketball game tonight, we started talking about life and relationships. He asked me a simple question: are you hiding anything from me? I began to cry because I didn't know what else to do. I don't talk about my home life and I don't typically invite people to my house. Nobody really knows what goes on and that's the way I intend to keep it. I'm overprotective of my family...if my mom weren't going to die so soon, I wouldn't advertise that she's sick. I'm uncomfortable discussing the reality that has become my life. While driving home I thought about that question a little more and realized two things, 1. that's an incredibly fair question and 2. I'm hiding a lot from everybody.

Both my parents love me whole heartedly, it's obvious. However, my mother has always openly adored me. I'm not saying that to be vain - she adores my sister and brother openly too. There used to be hugs, winks and smiles around every corner at my house. She had such a joy about her - constantly butchering popular country songs in the kitchen while cooking dinner. She knew everything there was to know about my life...why? Because she was my best friend. She always knew exactly what to say or who to say it to. A lot of kids disrespect and blow-off their parents in middle school because they're just not cool - they say weird things or wear mom jeans. But I never underestimated my mom - she's always been the bomb.com. To be frank, I couldn't have made it through middle school without her. I was socially, cyberly and emotionally bullied from fifth grade to my freshman year of high school. My mom taught me to fight my own battles and helped me understand that I wasn't the one with the problems. Nothing I ever write, say or do will ever be able to thank her for sticking beside me through those awful years. She encouraged me to transfer schools in high school and college to get away from materialism and mean girls. She encouraged me to switch majors in college to something I love, even though it was a huge risk. In my eyes, my mom taught me what it's like to listen and to love.

Since August 11, I haven't really had anyone to talk to. Many people are there and willing to talk to me...it's just not the same. My dad is an incredible human being...but he just doesn't understand the importance of half the things I talk about. My relatives are phenomenal, but they're not my mom. My mom always knew what to say. I would talk for hours about some dumb issue I was having and I'd solve the problem myself - all she had to do was listen. I've hid from my faith and my feelings for four months. I've got permanent mascara stains on all my pillow cases unnecessarily. I realize that it's important to let people into your life - to share your day and problem solve together...but it's hard when you're dealt a problem you can't fix. I can't change the fact that my mom has a terminal form of cancer. I can't change the last day I had with her...I didn't know it was the last day. I can't expect anyone to understand me the way she did. But then I read the devotion for today. It's from 1 John 1:1-10. This passage explains that God knows us inside and out. He wants us to go to him when we're struggling. He doesn't push our problems to the side or belittle them. He wants us to trust Him with our worries and dilemmas because He can make it all better. It may not happen over night, but God is at work 24/7 365 days a year. He provides a lamp to guide our feet and a light for our paths. My path seems very grim and I'm absolutely 100% not looking forward to walking it alone. Fortunately, I'm never alone because God is right there beside me. Also, the reality that there may be more people willing to walk with me keeps my heart light. Maybe I don't need to hide things or bottle up emotions and feelings. Not everyone is going to hurt me, but I'll never know unless I let them in.  

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Ain't nobody messing with my clique

 
 
Today was no ordinary day. I was woken up by the sweet voice of my best friend Amy. She had driven down to visit me for the day and had my sister make arrangements so that I would have no idea. As I sat in bed shocked, excited and slightly embarrassed that I slept past 10...I thought about how blessed I was to have a friend who wanted to surprise me with a 'day of yay'. I immediately got ready and we hit the mall, our favorite Mexican restaurant and then finished the day with pedicures. When we arrived home from our play-date together, my pastor was at the house. My heart was warm and light - it was the first time in a long time that I was surrounded by two of my very favorite people, other than family members. I began to explain to my pastor how Amy and I met. We met at a Virginia Synod event in the tenth grade. We were in the same small group at a retreat called Kairos - a week long camp committed to enriching your faith, forming lasting friendships and teaching you a thing or two about yourself. Amy and I have stayed close friends through the years, along with the rest of my church camp clique. There are about 9 of us that have stayed in touch over the years, celebrating Christmas, beach week and New Years together every year. We have a bond that is unbreakable...and I never really thought about why until today. Our friendships were formed due to a firm foundation in Christ. We all met at Virginia Synod events - learning about the ways in which God performs miracles and helps us through our worries and struggles. This group of people were the first to find out about my mom's diagnosis. I'm embarrassed to say I texted them about what was going on...but there was no way I could explain to 9 different people over the phone what had happened. For my birthday all of them came down to visit me and my family. Nothing means more than your best friends driving from all over, leaving their super fun universities, to spend a weekend in a rehabilitation center with you and your family. I've truly been blessed.

In my devotion book, the passage for today comes from 2 Peter 1:3-8,10. I'm telling you...there must be a God...this passage illustrates that God has given us the tools to succeed, no matter the circumstance. There is a blurb in my book that talks about St. Augustine's phrase of "without God, we cannot. Without us, God will not". This is surprisingly true. Everything is more complicated without God. Trust me, I've tried to fight him being in my life for the past 4 months and it hasn't gotten me anywhere. Without God I wouldn't have my core group of friends that keep me sane. I wouldn't have near death experiences of driving through Rodanthe after a rain storm... or scavenger hunts that lead to hilarious stories like 'the man in the van'...or a weekend of Zac Brown Band, birthday cake and thousands of pictures with sorority signs. These people have helped shape me into the person I am today...and they would not be a part of my life if I had not attended church or youth events.

My favorite part of the devotion is this, "Supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, and moral excellence with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love for everyone." Why is this my favorite? Because I don't understand what it really means.

moral excellence - knowledge - self control - patient endurance - godliness - brotherly affection - love for everyone

In looking through this dissected list of words I've become disappointed. I lack self-control and patient endurance completely. I'm the worst person in a doctor's office, after a test or on Christmas morning because I want to have answers, I want to know what's next. I'm a terrible waiter. I have a vast amount of knowledge that I use from time to time...but I don't have enough about the Bible or God. I do not have moral excellence, because I frequently make mistakes. We all do. Can anyone claim to have moral excellence? I'm not so sure. Can anyone be godly but God? Again, I do not have all the answers. Brotherly affection is relatively simple...but really challenging at the same time. If someone has wronged me, I don't treat them with the same respect I treat my friends. Is this wrong? I've been taught not to be a doormat...but there must be a happy medium I have yet to figure out. I assume this is where forgiveness comes in and I'm not yet prepared to write about that. 'Love for everyone' is another phrase that doesn't sound as hard as it is.What I'm hoping is that God expects us to grow over time. This is a sequence of events that we should all work towards throughout our life on Earth. I think of it like we're on a train, making frequent stops. The train is a continuous loop that runs day and night gaining and losing passengers at each stop. The more we strive to become better Christians, the more knowledge we will gain about the Lord and His good works. God has given us the tools to succeed and to love one another - it's up to us to carry out His will.
 

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

I believe, I believe - Miracle on Largo.

Today was a much better day. I'm not sure if it has anything to do with the fact that I spilled 4 months worth of feelings in my first blog post or if it's due to good company throughout the day, but I'll take it. Christmas is my favorite time of year because it brings people together. I also believe that in most cases, it shows true colors of those you love - which can be a good and healthy thing. I don't know of anyone that doesn't have a crazy relative in the family...be thankful, because holidays wouldn't be the same without that person. We all have characteristics that make us unique and 100% who we are. I'll use myself as an example - I am sassy beyond belief. Most of the time my sassiness is used for sarcasm or to make light of a situation that could otherwise be seen as stressful and frustrating. Sometimes I forget that I have other character traits that might be more desirable - they fail to shine through because I'm too busy being sassy. I'm kind, and often my heart acts before I get a chance to think about whether it's a good idea or not. I'm also actually very smart, which is constantly overlooked because I'm blonde and somewhat ditzy. Arguably my most valuable trait, is loyalty. I am loyal to those I love - I want people to be happy and when they're not, I have to fix the problem. My intentions are pure even though sometimes the situation just becomes worse. I think Peter had good intentions when writing about the ways we can stand out for Jesus...but I have a problem with this notion. If Jesus created us in his image, we should all be stand out people. I do, however, think it's important to note that these are qualities ALL PEOPLE should posses; this devotion is from 1 Peter 5:5-11.

Rule number 1, be humble. The phrase, "God opposes the proud but favors the humble" resonates with me. Nobody likes the proud person in school or at work - the people that prove there's a difference between confident and cocky. My mother was so humble with everything she did. She taught me to be proud of my accomplishments but not so proud that others become annoyed. I think it's great to celebrate successes and talk about your achievements...but I think there's a time and place. Nobody wants to hear about your 8 first place science fair ribbons and incredible life altering SAT score on a first date. It reminds me of lyrics to a song we sing at Synod Youth events and at Lutheridge..."Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord, and He will raise you up higher and higher".

Rule number 2, do not worry. I laughed when I read this. I laughed hard when I read this. This confirms my theory that Peter was a crazy person. At least in the 21st century there are so many things to worry about...the list of things NOT to worry about is much shorter. Tonight I went to take my shoes off at someone else's house and I was concerned that my socks didn't match. While most people aren't OCD like me...worries are everywhere. They're certainly more present during the holidays too - especially with little kids and Santa Claus. Miracle on 31st is a classic story about the betrayal and worry of a little girl regarding the validity of Santa Claus. The Bible says "Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you". It's diseases like cancer that I wonder, does he care? Does he realize what's going on? Does he actually care about my mom? Does he care that my eight year old brother will grow up without a mom? What about the rest of us? But I won't hesitate in admitting that the minute I let go of my problems...I feel better. A peace surrounds me that can't be understood nor explained. I would be lonely without a worry...but I'm trying to learn to let go and let God.

Rule number 3, stay alert. This is key especially during the holidays. Satan is all around, in PSPwhatevers and Susie Talks A Lot dolls you have to ship from Nigeria because there are no more in stock. Satan is wrapped up in the things that make up "Christmas". I'm not saying don't buy gifts...I'm saying that gifts aren't the basis of Christmas. This Christmas I plan to write my family letters, about how they've impacted me...not because I'm cheap or lazy but because this Christmas might be the last I have with my nuclear family. I want to know that I said everything I needed to say, before it becomes too late. I love Christmas because of the holiday lights, parades and ice skating at MacArthur Mall. We all love the thrills of 'holiday only' festivities. My house is always on high alert because we need the Holy Trinity - we need a miracle to be performed and ain't nobody got time for the devil.

Rule number 4, stand firm. The Bible reads, "Remember that your Christian brothers and sisters all over the world are going through the same kind of suffering you are". The end of passages are always the most comforting...so if you're not comforted just keep reading. While not many cancer victims suffer brain cancer...the number of people that have cancer is astounding and heartbreaking. When I start to feel sorry for myself...I think about the other billions of people that are diagnosed every day. I don't think about their survival rate vs. my mom's survival rate because frankly I don't care. One phrase I hate more than anything is "I know how you feel" because honestly...nobody knows how I feel. I don't even know how I feel 99% of the time. I do know that nothing prepares you for a doctor walking into an emergency room and saying to your face "your mom has a brain tumor. it's most likely cancerous...it doesn't look good". Nothing prepares you for that moment. My heart fell right out of my body and shattered into a million pieces on the floor. It's still sitting there in an emergency room in Roanoke, VA. My heart aches for my family and for my mom, but also for the other victims that cancer gets every day. It comforts me to know that there is a community of heartbroken people asking God the same angry questions I am.  

Finally, rule number 5, persevere. The most comforting verse in the whole Bible, "In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation". I'm not sure how long 'a little while' is but I sure hope that time is coming soon. My faith has not exactly been the strongest since August 11. Honestly, it's been nonexistent. I haven't been to church because I don't know that I belong there. I'm learning and coming to understand that I do belong and I don't have to necessarily like God right now. It's just like if you get in a fight with a sibling, you love them unconditionally...but you don't have to like them when they make you mad. God has my family in His hands and He will help shape us and mold us into the unit we need to be to succeed. I have no doubt that at times we will fail, fight and sin boldly but God will continue to prepare a firm foundation for us to rest on when this journey comes to an end.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Life as we know it.

 

My name is Katie. I'm in my twenties and have been given a real crappy hand of cards in the game of life. My life was great up until August 11 of this year, when my mom was diagnosed with GBM, an aggressive and terminal form of brain cancer. Her decline has been rapid and heartbreaking. Nobody really thinks about what life would be like without a parent, and certainly not when you're young. Nobody really thinks about cancer either - what it means, what it does and how it affects others. Cancer has the opportunity to devour close families, isolate you from other friends, family and ones you hold close and destroy happiness in all the places you used to find it.

In movies and books there's always a debbie-downer character that makes everyone else in the story/group upset or angry. I try hard to not be that person and have looked to social media, trying to highlight God's great works as they're present in my life, especially throughout this tragedy. Don't get me wrong, I spend a large part of my day doubting and hating on Him for doing this to my family...but then the other part of me is thankful to have had my perfect life for as long as I did, recognizing that some people are dealt worse from the start. Today was just a frustratingly annoying day, so before jumping into bed with my box of tissues I grabbed a dusty book off my shelf. I grabbed a book I hadn't used in over two years. The last time I used it I was a camp counselor in Asheville, NC speaking to a group of five or six girls about their relationship with God. I picked up a daily devotional bible my mom had sent to me that summer at camp - to use when "relating to teenage girls".

I first turned to todays date, December 16, and found verses from 1 Peter 2:18-25. The verse talks about slaves and their respect towards the master. While the slaves are not treated well, they do what is right and that pleases God. Verse 21 says "For God called you to do good, even if it means suffering, just as Christ suffered for you. He is your example, and you must follow in his steps". Often times I find it difficult to do what is 'pleasing to God'. I don't pray often because I'm mad. I'm angry that this is happening to my family and my life. While it sounds selfish to talk about all the sacrifices I've had to make, I think about all the sacrifices so many other people have to make daily. It's all unfair. Cancer is so far-reaching and affects at least a hundred different lives separate from the original source. The phrase 'God called you to do good, even if it means suffering' sticks out to me because I am suffering...my whole family is suffering. 'Doing good' is sticking together and standing beside each other at this time, smiling through the pain and celebrating that we made it another day. However, I wasn't comforted until I read the last part of this passage, "By his wounds you are healed. Once you were like sheep who wandered away. But now you have turned to your Shepherd, the Guardian of your souls." God is called many things by many different people, but rarely have I personally referred to him as Shepherd. Every night, my bedtime prayer starts out by saying "Jesus tender, Shepherd hear me", because my mom had taught me to pray that way...but as I sat here tonight thinking about my life and God...I see how he and my mother are alike.

I will always maintain that my mother is an angel that was released from heaven to spread warmth and kindness to the world. I also believe that God needs help back at the angel ranch in heaven and has enlisted the best angel to help him make changes - he needs her back home. Thinking this way makes it a little easier to get through my day - a mother is like a Shepherd. Shepherds watch their flock day and night, looking out for their best interest and providing food and shelter for them if the weather turns bad or if danger is on the prowl. Mothers do the same thing for their family. My mother is one of the guardians of my heart - protecting me from having it broken and yet encouraging me to share it with the world. This verse comforts me because God is my Shepherd, protecting me from things I cannot handle alone...knowing that he also protects my mom. In this situation, my mom and I are sheep (along with the rest of my family) and God is the Shepherd, guiding us through various obstacles and leading us homeward to safety. All the while he has provided love and support...understanding that we're human and going to doubt and make mistakes. He has given us an incredible support system to rely on when the weather gets bad and danger is on the prowl. He guards our souls and is with us every step of the way. Amen.