World Series Kind of Love

 

Have you ever had a best friend? Have you ever fallen in love? Have you ever struggled with sharing your feelings? I confess...I fall in love easily. I love chocolate, shoes, turtles and those chewy mints at fancy restaurants. I love many people, for many different reasons. I love my family because they're always going to have my back...even when I'm wrong. I love my friends because they make life a little more bearable, especially throughout this time. I've even been in love with a boy. I've loved a few boys...this isn't because I've had multiple serious relationships...but in my experience - once you share your day with someone, they become part of a routine. That routine makes up your life. Therefore (transitive property) that person is part of your routine in which you talk about things that are super important to you - worries, gossip, accolades and all. It's easy to adore someone that trusts you with vital information about themselves and their life. I believe there are many different stages of love. I've been on dates with someone that I love - not in a can't eat, can't sleep, world series kind of way...but because I've known him for years. He's seen me at my worst and at my best - we've fought and we've been the best of friends. I love him because he knows the real me. The real me is an avid sports fan, notorious for witty banter, constantly humming or singing country songs and first-and-foremost a straight-shooter. As we were watching a basketball game tonight, we started talking about life and relationships. He asked me a simple question: are you hiding anything from me? I began to cry because I didn't know what else to do. I don't talk about my home life and I don't typically invite people to my house. Nobody really knows what goes on and that's the way I intend to keep it. I'm overprotective of my family...if my mom weren't going to die so soon, I wouldn't advertise that she's sick. I'm uncomfortable discussing the reality that has become my life. While driving home I thought about that question a little more and realized two things, 1. that's an incredibly fair question and 2. I'm hiding a lot from everybody.

Both my parents love me whole heartedly, it's obvious. However, my mother has always openly adored me. I'm not saying that to be vain - she adores my sister and brother openly too. There used to be hugs, winks and smiles around every corner at my house. She had such a joy about her - constantly butchering popular country songs in the kitchen while cooking dinner. She knew everything there was to know about my life...why? Because she was my best friend. She always knew exactly what to say or who to say it to. A lot of kids disrespect and blow-off their parents in middle school because they're just not cool - they say weird things or wear mom jeans. But I never underestimated my mom - she's always been the bomb.com. To be frank, I couldn't have made it through middle school without her. I was socially, cyberly and emotionally bullied from fifth grade to my freshman year of high school. My mom taught me to fight my own battles and helped me understand that I wasn't the one with the problems. Nothing I ever write, say or do will ever be able to thank her for sticking beside me through those awful years. She encouraged me to transfer schools in high school and college to get away from materialism and mean girls. She encouraged me to switch majors in college to something I love, even though it was a huge risk. In my eyes, my mom taught me what it's like to listen and to love.

Since August 11, I haven't really had anyone to talk to. Many people are there and willing to talk to me...it's just not the same. My dad is an incredible human being...but he just doesn't understand the importance of half the things I talk about. My relatives are phenomenal, but they're not my mom. My mom always knew what to say. I would talk for hours about some dumb issue I was having and I'd solve the problem myself - all she had to do was listen. I've hid from my faith and my feelings for four months. I've got permanent mascara stains on all my pillow cases unnecessarily. I realize that it's important to let people into your life - to share your day and problem solve together...but it's hard when you're dealt a problem you can't fix. I can't change the fact that my mom has a terminal form of cancer. I can't change the last day I had with her...I didn't know it was the last day. I can't expect anyone to understand me the way she did. But then I read the devotion for today. It's from 1 John 1:1-10. This passage explains that God knows us inside and out. He wants us to go to him when we're struggling. He doesn't push our problems to the side or belittle them. He wants us to trust Him with our worries and dilemmas because He can make it all better. It may not happen over night, but God is at work 24/7 365 days a year. He provides a lamp to guide our feet and a light for our paths. My path seems very grim and I'm absolutely 100% not looking forward to walking it alone. Fortunately, I'm never alone because God is right there beside me. Also, the reality that there may be more people willing to walk with me keeps my heart light. Maybe I don't need to hide things or bottle up emotions and feelings. Not everyone is going to hurt me, but I'll never know unless I let them in.