Today was a much better day. I'm not sure if it has anything to do with the fact that I spilled 4 months worth of feelings in my first blog post or if it's due to good company throughout the day, but I'll take it. Christmas is my favorite time of year because it brings people together. I also believe that in most cases, it shows true colors of those you love - which can be a good and healthy thing. I don't know of anyone that doesn't have a crazy relative in the family...be thankful, because holidays wouldn't be the same without that person. We all have characteristics that make us unique and 100% who we are. I'll use myself as an example - I am sassy beyond belief. Most of the time my sassiness is used for sarcasm or to make light of a situation that could otherwise be seen as stressful and frustrating. Sometimes I forget that I have other character traits that might be more desirable - they fail to shine through because I'm too busy being sassy. I'm kind, and often my heart acts before I get a chance to think about whether it's a good idea or not. I'm also actually very smart, which is constantly overlooked because I'm blonde and somewhat ditzy. Arguably my most valuable trait, is loyalty. I am loyal to those I love - I want people to be happy and when they're not, I have to fix the problem. My intentions are pure even though sometimes the situation just becomes worse. I think Peter had good intentions when writing about the ways we can stand out for Jesus...but I have a problem with this notion. If Jesus created us in his image, we should all be stand out people. I do, however, think it's important to note that these are qualities ALL PEOPLE should posses; this devotion is from 1 Peter 5:5-11.
Rule number 1, be humble. The phrase, "God opposes the proud but favors the humble" resonates with me. Nobody likes the proud person in school or at work - the people that prove there's a difference between confident and cocky. My mother was so humble with everything she did. She taught me to be proud of my accomplishments but not so proud that others become annoyed. I think it's great to celebrate successes and talk about your achievements...but I think there's a time and place. Nobody wants to hear about your 8 first place science fair ribbons and incredible life altering SAT score on a first date. It reminds me of lyrics to a song we sing at Synod Youth events and at Lutheridge..."Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord, and He will raise you up higher and higher".
Rule number 2, do not worry. I laughed when I read this. I laughed hard when I read this. This confirms my theory that Peter was a crazy person. At least in the 21st century there are so many things to worry about...the list of things NOT to worry about is much shorter. Tonight I went to take my shoes off at someone else's house and I was concerned that my socks didn't match. While most people aren't OCD like me...worries are everywhere. They're certainly more present during the holidays too - especially with little kids and Santa Claus. Miracle on 31st is a classic story about the betrayal and worry of a little girl regarding the validity of Santa Claus. The Bible says "Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you". It's diseases like cancer that I wonder, does he care? Does he realize what's going on? Does he actually care about my mom? Does he care that my eight year old brother will grow up without a mom? What about the rest of us? But I won't hesitate in admitting that the minute I let go of my problems...I feel better. A peace surrounds me that can't be understood nor explained. I would be lonely without a worry...but I'm trying to learn to let go and let God.
Rule number 3, stay alert. This is key especially during the holidays. Satan is all around, in PSPwhatevers and Susie Talks A Lot dolls you have to ship from Nigeria because there are no more in stock. Satan is wrapped up in the things that make up "Christmas". I'm not saying don't buy gifts...I'm saying that gifts aren't the basis of Christmas. This Christmas I plan to write my family letters, about how they've impacted me...not because I'm cheap or lazy but because this Christmas might be the last I have with my nuclear family. I want to know that I said everything I needed to say, before it becomes too late. I love Christmas because of the holiday lights, parades and ice skating at MacArthur Mall. We all love the thrills of 'holiday only' festivities. My house is always on high alert because we need the Holy Trinity - we need a miracle to be performed and ain't nobody got time for the devil.
Rule number 4, stand firm. The Bible reads, "Remember that your Christian brothers and sisters all over the world are going through the same kind of suffering you are". The end of passages are always the most comforting...so if you're not comforted just keep reading. While not many cancer victims suffer brain cancer...the number of people that have cancer is astounding and heartbreaking. When I start to feel sorry for myself...I think about the other billions of people that are diagnosed every day. I don't think about their survival rate vs. my mom's survival rate because frankly I don't care. One phrase I hate more than anything is "I know how you feel" because honestly...nobody knows how I feel. I don't even know how I feel 99% of the time. I do know that nothing prepares you for a doctor walking into an emergency room and saying to your face "your mom has a brain tumor. it's most likely cancerous...it doesn't look good". Nothing prepares you for that moment. My heart fell right out of my body and shattered into a million pieces on the floor. It's still sitting there in an emergency room in Roanoke, VA. My heart aches for my family and for my mom, but also for the other victims that cancer gets every day. It comforts me to know that there is a community of heartbroken people asking God the same angry questions I am.
Finally, rule number 5, persevere. The most comforting verse in the whole Bible, "In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation". I'm not sure how long 'a little while' is but I sure hope that time is coming soon. My faith has not exactly been the strongest since August 11. Honestly, it's been nonexistent. I haven't been to church because I don't know that I belong there. I'm learning and coming to understand that I do belong and I don't have to necessarily like God right now. It's just like if you get in a fight with a sibling, you love them unconditionally...but you don't have to like them when they make you mad. God has my family in His hands and He will help shape us and mold us into the unit we need to be to succeed. I have no doubt that at times we will fail, fight and sin boldly but God will continue to prepare a firm foundation for us to rest on when this journey comes to an end.
You are an incredibly thoughtful, beautiful inside and out, eloquent and inspiring young woman. No one can ever know how you feel, but everyone is here for you and your family. Know that you are loved and supported and that your family's strength is truly far beyond amazing! Thank you for sharing so much of yourself through your blog; it is powerful and left me in awe. May your holiday season be full of blessings!
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