The Line leader

Often times we make mistakes - we say the wrong thing or act out in anger over things we assume or misunderstand. Sometimes our anger is justified. I've been replaying a recent encounter over and over again in my head and it's driving me crazy. My dad and I were at the grocery store earlier this week. We were halfway down the bread aisle when we saw one of my childhood friends...unfortunately it was too late to turn around. She smiled and extended a friendly hello. She continued the conversation asking about the family, school, how I was and reminiscing about the 'good ole days'. It was a 10 minute conversation I didn't want or need to have. My dad and I left the aisle totally puzzled. You see, this girl was my best friend in elementary school. I would go to her house every morning and we would watch MTV music videos before school. We had sleepovers every weekend alternating between our two houses. One summer she went to Europe and we kept diaries detailed with what we did every day we were apart and exchanged when she got back - ensuring the other hadn't missed a thing! She was more like another sister than a friend. Middle school changed everything, as it often does. I have yet to meet a person that enjoyed middle school enough to do it again; if you are one of those people...you're probably the reason why it was so miserable for everyone else (just saying). Needless to say, it changed our friendship. Middle school taught me that there are two different types of people in the world: leaders and followers. She was a follower. When the other girls were mean to me and made up rumors, left me out and called me names - she opted to stand behind the group instead of being isolated with me. In my eyes, her betrayal was worse because she was a coward. She never directly did anything to me...but she deserted me when I needed a friend the most.

I hadn't spoken to her since the 7th grade and she hadn't really crossed my mind. I never thought about forgiving her because I never thought she deserved it. During our 10 minute conversation I didn't bring up my mom or my family situation. I didn't think she deserved to know. On the drive home I asked my dad why he thought she talked to us - she could have easily smiled and walked away. I said "does she not remember what she did to me?" It's times like this where God talks to me through my dad. He said "I think she's grown up, Katie. I think she's moved on and you should too. It's time to forgive." I didn't have a response at that time, but I'm starting to think he's right. I'm embarrassed to admit how long I've disliked her or wished ill upon her. I've thought about her a lot over the past few days and how my life would have been so different without her presence - the good and the bad. My life turned out pretty great because of the crappy situations I've been dealt. I never would have transferred high schools and been in the Legal Studies Academy. I never would have played a higher level of tennis or earned a teaching contract without those mean girls influencing my decisions. I wouldn't have valued my relationship with my mom as much if I had such loyal girl friends. I now want to run to her house, ring her doorbell and thank her for being a follower. I want to thank her for stopping my dad and I in the grocery store - maybe people do deserve second chances. Maybe I should have told her about my mom and our new reality. Maybe I shouldn't always be so guarded.

In my experience, I don't like being the first or the last to do anything; especially when it comes to apologizing. I don't want to ruin my reputation or admit defeat. Thankfully, Jesus tells us in Revelation 1:12-20 that we should not be afraid. He is "the First and the Last". Forgiveness is a hard thing because you can SAY you forgive someone without actually doing it. This summer I co-led a small group at Kairos with my friend Jenna. We talked about forgiveness and encouraged the kids to forgive those who've wronged them. Throughout the week I realized I was a hypocrite. Forgiveness is something that comes over time when you finally give it up to God. When it's released from your heart or soul or wherever you're holding your anger...you feel better instantly. I forgive this girl because she deserves it. Why does she deserve it? Because Christ tells us to love one another. He tells us to forgive unconditionally. He wants us to act like Christ and share the Good News. We all make mistakes but we never make them alone. Christ is the Alpha and the Omega - the first and the very last; I can make decisions and forgive knowing that it won't be my first or my last time doing so. I encourage all who read this blog, to search for ways you can forgive those who've wronged you too. There's a peace that surrounds those who truly forgive - I hope you find it.