Life as we know it.

 

My name is Katie. I'm in my twenties and have been given a real crappy hand of cards in the game of life. My life was great up until August 11 of this year, when my mom was diagnosed with GBM, an aggressive and terminal form of brain cancer. Her decline has been rapid and heartbreaking. Nobody really thinks about what life would be like without a parent, and certainly not when you're young. Nobody really thinks about cancer either - what it means, what it does and how it affects others. Cancer has the opportunity to devour close families, isolate you from other friends, family and ones you hold close and destroy happiness in all the places you used to find it.

In movies and books there's always a debbie-downer character that makes everyone else in the story/group upset or angry. I try hard to not be that person and have looked to social media, trying to highlight God's great works as they're present in my life, especially throughout this tragedy. Don't get me wrong, I spend a large part of my day doubting and hating on Him for doing this to my family...but then the other part of me is thankful to have had my perfect life for as long as I did, recognizing that some people are dealt worse from the start. Today was just a frustratingly annoying day, so before jumping into bed with my box of tissues I grabbed a dusty book off my shelf. I grabbed a book I hadn't used in over two years. The last time I used it I was a camp counselor in Asheville, NC speaking to a group of five or six girls about their relationship with God. I picked up a daily devotional bible my mom had sent to me that summer at camp - to use when "relating to teenage girls".

I first turned to todays date, December 16, and found verses from 1 Peter 2:18-25. The verse talks about slaves and their respect towards the master. While the slaves are not treated well, they do what is right and that pleases God. Verse 21 says "For God called you to do good, even if it means suffering, just as Christ suffered for you. He is your example, and you must follow in his steps". Often times I find it difficult to do what is 'pleasing to God'. I don't pray often because I'm mad. I'm angry that this is happening to my family and my life. While it sounds selfish to talk about all the sacrifices I've had to make, I think about all the sacrifices so many other people have to make daily. It's all unfair. Cancer is so far-reaching and affects at least a hundred different lives separate from the original source. The phrase 'God called you to do good, even if it means suffering' sticks out to me because I am suffering...my whole family is suffering. 'Doing good' is sticking together and standing beside each other at this time, smiling through the pain and celebrating that we made it another day. However, I wasn't comforted until I read the last part of this passage, "By his wounds you are healed. Once you were like sheep who wandered away. But now you have turned to your Shepherd, the Guardian of your souls." God is called many things by many different people, but rarely have I personally referred to him as Shepherd. Every night, my bedtime prayer starts out by saying "Jesus tender, Shepherd hear me", because my mom had taught me to pray that way...but as I sat here tonight thinking about my life and God...I see how he and my mother are alike.

I will always maintain that my mother is an angel that was released from heaven to spread warmth and kindness to the world. I also believe that God needs help back at the angel ranch in heaven and has enlisted the best angel to help him make changes - he needs her back home. Thinking this way makes it a little easier to get through my day - a mother is like a Shepherd. Shepherds watch their flock day and night, looking out for their best interest and providing food and shelter for them if the weather turns bad or if danger is on the prowl. Mothers do the same thing for their family. My mother is one of the guardians of my heart - protecting me from having it broken and yet encouraging me to share it with the world. This verse comforts me because God is my Shepherd, protecting me from things I cannot handle alone...knowing that he also protects my mom. In this situation, my mom and I are sheep (along with the rest of my family) and God is the Shepherd, guiding us through various obstacles and leading us homeward to safety. All the while he has provided love and support...understanding that we're human and going to doubt and make mistakes. He has given us an incredible support system to rely on when the weather gets bad and danger is on the prowl. He guards our souls and is with us every step of the way. Amen.