Take a number

 

We all have people in our lives that demand attention. I demand attention at various times, but not ALL the time. During the holidays it was interesting to see who was selfless and who was selfish. We had a combined holiday feast - both sides of my family ate together on Christmas day so that it wouldn't be over-stimulating for my mom. Believe it or not, one big blow-out event is better than several small gatherings. At least that's the way things are now. Several times in the planning process I wanted to say "I don't care what's more convenient for you - it's not ABOUT you". These last 4 months have been very challenging. Why? My mom is the most selfless person I know, hands down. She is always thinking of someone else - she only thinks of herself when everyone else is content and happy (even that's questionable). To this day, she makes sure I've eaten or fed the dog or checked my brother's homework. I will admit that thinking of other people has been hard for me - especially during my greedy twenties. These are the most crucial years to make mistakes, memories and think about and for myself. I don't have that luxury. I have to think about 4 other people before I think about myself. Ask me the last time I went shopping by myself, for something completely unnecessary? Ask me the last time I spent a day doing exactly what I wanted to do? It's part of growing up...my mom hasn't had a day to herself in 22 years, at least. My mom always picked up the pieces when things were broken...and it's much harder to do than you'd think. She kept things together so well...I didn't have many serious concerns or worries because she had them for me. My mom is the glue that keeps my family together - we'd be together if she weren't here...but she encouraged us to eat meals as a family, apologize when in doubt, and thank the Lord for everything we're given. These last 4 months have been about her. I just wish it didn't take cancer for us to appreciate her more.

I've always appreciated my mom. I've always been proud to stand by her, sit on her or laugh obnoxiously with her. I'm not sure I always showed my affection towards her though. She knows I love her and am thankful for her presence in my life...but there are so many other things I could have done. I could have given better gifts, I could have spoken kinder, I could have done things the first time she asked me...my list could go on and on. I challenge you to be selfless for one day. It's difficult. My mom has taught me many things over the years...but selflessness can't be taught. So many people, myself included, are selfish in today's world. We need the newest things that will elevate us higher on the social scale of our materialistic society. Most of us don't have to ever think of others, but if you do...you understand that there are more important things in life than your own personal happiness. It's important...it just might not need to be the sole focus of your life.

Revelation has one theme: it's all about God. The main purpose of the chapter is to focus on God. To some, that's simple. To others, like me, it's not. How can I focus on God when I'm focusing on my mom? Why would I focus on God when he's done this to my mom? I have so many questions that can't be answered by anyone but God. The devotion, Revelation 22:12-13, 16-21, ends by saying "may the grace of the Lord Jesus be with God's holy people". God's son, Jesus, died on a cross for our sins...he was crucified for us...talk about selflessness. I struggle with waking up early, fixing everyone else food before I can eat and constantly replacing toilet paper in the bathrooms (apparently no one else can do that)...but it all seems so stupid when you think about the things God has done for us. Not only is he the reason for the season, but he's also the reason why we're all here. I think I could stand to think about him a little more than I have been. This blog has helped me understand my frustration and anger with God. I've been able to talk about my emotions and feelings while reading about God's love and how it pertains to me. While my life is revolving around taking care of my mom and my family...it needs to revolve around God too. Through time I'll have a better understanding of what exactly is happening in my life and God's involvement in it all. Right now, I will continue to put my mom and family first and tell everyone else to take a number...except God. It's time I let him in to stay for a while.