Over the last couple days I've struggled with my emotions. I love the holidays...I really do. But as Christmas is rapidly approaching I've found it hard to truly be in the "spirit". At this time in my life disappointments hurt so much more than they used to; simple things like plans falling through or an incorrect word choice in a seemingly important conversation. I'm starting to realize that most of my disappointment stems from my ability to hoist every person high up on pedestals. We're all human, and we make mistakes - I certainly make enough for all of us. I tend to hold people to higher standards that are impossible to maintain or ever achieve. I also find myself spoiling my own happiness because I don't feel like I deserve it. I don't think I should be out having fun nights with friends or laughing so hard my stomach hurts for the next couple hours. I remember my mom and I talking about death after my grandma passed away when I was in the 5th grade. She talked about how wrong it was, to her, that people carried on with their daily routine. Shouldn't the world stop and be sad? Shouldn't they feel bad for our loss and cry with us? I remember this conversation so vividly and I replay it often in my head due to my current situation. I understand that being sad all the time does no good - but I can't figure out how to find a happy medium. One of my sorority sisters has a tattoo that says "we only accept the love we think we deserve", or something along those lines. Since meeting her, I've thought about what that really means. It applies to me - right now, I'm searching for any kind of happiness that will make this life a little easier. Yet, I try to push it away and reject it at the same time. While some people would venture to say that I'm a crazy person...I'd object - I'm just seriously confused. I haven't blogged in two days because I've been entertaining friends from out of town and haven't found the time...but I'll sum up the devotions we've missed. They all work together demonstrating that God is desperate for my attention and affection.
The verses come from 1 John 3:13-14, 16-18, 22-24 and 4:7, 10-13, 16-17, 19. These devotions talk about God's love and how it's not just a feeling, but a choice. We love God only as much as the person we love the least. It gives the analogy of climbing a hill. If we climb by ourselves, eventually we will reach the top. If we are climbing and see someone struggling in front of us, we should help them climb to the top. Helping a neighbor will help you climb higher because you're demonstrating God's love. I'm 22 and have found love to be a messy thing. People freak out when they hear the phrase "I love you" and claim that it's entirely overused. False, I think we're missing the point. God wants us to treat others with respect, no matter how many times they disappoint or upset us. He wants us to feel confident and comfortable in our ability to love one another. John writes, "Dear children, let's not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions". You don't have to say "I love you" to someone for them to understand how you feel - duh. Valentine's day should be an every day kind of thing. Showing love is opening a door for a stranger, dropping 20 cents in a Salvation Army kettle, or taking your brother Christmas shopping even though you'd rather be hit by a mac truck. The point is, "God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them." The time has come for me to practice what I preach. I need to greet the world with open arms and embrace the negativity with affection. I need to show others I care about them and not just assume they know. I need to step aside and let myself feel happiness and accept care and affection from others. I deserve it. We all do. Share love today and everyday.
Katie, this is Alan's niece from Tampa. Ann just posted your blog on her FB and I have been reading from the beginning. What an amazing way to find the ability to cope with an impossible situation.
ReplyDeleteOur 3 year old has a progressive and ultimately fatal disease. And even though I've known for a year, I cannot wrap my head around the fact that there is NOTHING I can do about it. But as I sit here reading how you have turned your unimaginable and uncontrollable situation into something so beautiful I have hope that maybe I can find a way to do the same thing. I just wanted to let you know and to thank you for unexpectedly touching my life. Our love and prayers are with you from Florida.