Hypocrite

My friends and I have a saying, "tan fat is better than pale fat". I believe this to be absolutely true. Everybody looks better and feels better when they're tan. Everybody lives a little happier and breathes a little easier when the weather is sunny and 75 degrees, or at least I do. This weather has ruined all of my motivation for school work and all indoor activities though. Thankfully, I spent most of my day in this beautiful weather. This morning we walked to Stockley Gardens in Ghent and worshiped collectively with many of the local churches in celebration of Palm Sunday. It was a warm day filled with pollen and palms poking at our eyes, ears and noses - classic Palm Sunday experience. As a child I remember running out the door in a frilly dress late for Palm Sunday. Caroline and I were laughing this morning because for the first time in probably 10 or 12 years we were able to walk both ways - to and from the gardens. We usually were so late that we'd drive to Stockley Gardens, get out, sing "All Glory, Laud and Honor..." and then get back in the car and drive across the street to church. This year we were able to experience the walk both ways and understand the importance of wearing comfortable shoes - we'll do better next year. 

The gospel was different today. It was almost like a play narrated by several members of the congregation. There were no costumes or props. There was no background music or closing curtain. It was 5 people, projecting their voices and using specific tones to read their scripts. Sitting in the pew I absorbed as much of the passion as I could. It went through the whole betrayal part of Jesus' life. I sat there and began to hate everyone back then. I kept thinking "how could they betray Jesus" and "how could they just point and accuse and watch him suffer". I have some choice words for Judas, as I'm sure you can imagine. The longer I heard them carry-on in their biblical banter, the more I began to realize that maybe their actions were somewhat justified. If someone appeared, in the 21st century, healing the sick, curing the blind and resurrecting the dead...I think I'd be a little freaked out too. I don't know if I would encourage death, but I'd definitely point and direct someone to that specific individual. I think I would be extra helpful in identifying this individual because it's not possible to do those things and I'd need answers. I think people felt the same way - someone with this much power, even if it was used for good reasons, could be very dangerous and a liability to the community. Thinking about this story with my new train of thought kinda makes me even more mad. 

Jesus trusted his disciples to stand by him and support him through his Good Works - but when they were tested, they failed. To me, they're hypocrites. When things got tough and the community began to turn on Jesus the disciples did too - they denied their relation to Jesus and betrayed him by allowing him to hang on a cross. And even though they betrayed him, Jesus STILL saved them. The sad part is, we're hypocrites too...or at least I am. Jesus has done so much for my life and in times of doubt and despair, he's the first one I blame and the first one I boot out from my posse. Pastor Lauren spoke this Sunday about passion and the way Jesus lived his life from the start. Everything that man did, he did with conviction and passion - never wasted a breath. I was standing in the middle of my cul-de-sac Friday night talking with my neighbor. We started talking about my mom and how she was the ultimate mom. She shared stories with me about her experience as a parent and how my mom just had what it took to be a wonderful mom. My mom was a passionate parent - everything she endured and did was for her kids. When I think about passion, I think about my mom. I've never met someone who openly loved others the way she did - she made you feel special and loved the minute she entered a room. I don't know if it was conveyed through her warm "I love you" smile or her deep blue "I need you" eyes or her gentle "You're special" touch, but she truly had a gift of spreading acceptance and joy. When I think about passion, I think about my mom. She's probably swapping passion stories with Jesus in Heaven right now. 

I love the song "Happy" by Pharrell. It's so catchy and so my mom. She would love that song. Every time I hear it I can't help but dance and squirm in my seat. I can picture my mom grooving in the driver seat of her Kia Sportage loving life. I can picture her turning it up, snapping to the beat and laughing as I attempt to car dance better than her. This song captivates passion. Part of the refrain is: "Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof, because I'm happy. Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth, because I'm happy. Clap along if you know what happiness is to you." If only this song was released last summer before my mom's illness - it would have been her walk out song, ringtone and number 1 on her cd list. I've learned over the past 22 years and 7 months that happiness comes from within. It doesn't come from some cute boy who thinks he likes you. It doesn't come from your best friend of 20 years. It doesn't come from a care package of skittles and chocolates. Those things are happy and make life waaaay more fun, but happiness is truly something that develops deep inside of you that only you can control. 

My mom and I used to joke that I had a passion for fashion. I do love clothes and shopping and the way you can express yourself through this aesthetically appealing art form...but over the last 7 months I've learned that there is much more to life. I now have a passion for my family and friends. First and foremost I am a loyal friend. I put family and friendships before everything in life - before the grocery store, before school work, most of the time before any of my own needs. I don't know if that's right or wrong, but it's the only way I've been able to handle my life through all these tragedies. I suppose Christ should be my passion, but I don't necessarily enjoy being hypocritical. I love God and am eternally grateful for everything He has done and will continue to do for me. I know that I am one of His many passions. To him I'm not just a number or some random girl on Earth. He calls us each by name and would sacrifice His life all over again for me, for you, for anyone. Even though we betray him and run for the hills when we're scared or upset He continues to call out to us and bring us back home. I may run away from God again, because it's easy to turn away...but the bottom line is that I'll always come back home. I need to learn to rely on Him and not push Him away, but for now I know I can rely on Him to lead me back to my roots, sort through my passions and help me find happiness again all around and inside of me.

Dear God,

I pray for those that betray you. I pray for those that run from you in times of tragedy and heartache. I pray for those that cling to you in desperate need for guidance and consolation. I pray for those that seek renewal throughout this holy week - that they may be transformed by your unconditional love. Help us find happiness in this great big world of yours. Amen.