The ultimate scapegoat

What transports you to another place when you're angry or upset? Is it talking to another person, meditating in silence, or jamming out to your favorite CD? I am a music person. I've always felt that the world becomes a better place when I have my ear buds in and the volume up to a ridiculously high level. I'm all about vacations and in theory - a good road trip. But about twenty minutes into the trip when Caroline wants to hear some girl bop band and Michael won't stop talking...the ear buds go in and I drown myself in another world of Scotty McCreery and DMB. When I drove to high school every day, it was a solid investment of time. I found that listening to the radio made me very angry because in the thirty minutes I drove, I would only hear a handful of songs between the commercials about laser hair removal and the VA Aquarium. I had different CDs to play depending upon where I was driving, for example: I had a CD I played before every tennis match so when I got out of my car I was ready to make someone cry. I had a "boy bashing" CD so that every time my feelings were hurt or I got ditched or dumped I would play it and hate the whole male population. I had a "chill" CD that I would play on my way home from school when I fought through rush hour traffic and I had my "morning feel good" CD that contained songs like "Smile" by Uncle Cracker. It's impossible not to smile while listening to this morning CD. I don't use CDs very much anymore because my car has an ipod/iphone hookup that's much more convenient to use. A couple days ago, while I was waiting for my car to warm up, I found the "morning feel good" CD in my glove compartment. I laughed at myself because that's what I had actually written on the CD with a giant smiley face. I proceeded to insert the CD and listen to all its contents. Sure enough, I couldn't help but smile the whole way home from school. If anyone was driving near me they would have witnessed car dancing, obnoxious laughter and very expressive singing. I arrived at my house and sat in the car for another 15 minutes until I was ready to get out. At that moment I was in my happy place - the music had saved me from an angry phone conversation about fighting traffic or overthinking decisions I've already made. I got out of the car in a great mood, opened a cold one and began to make dinner. As I began to chop veggies I thought about the different types of CDs I had made throughout the years and how they made me feel.

I still remember the summer I got my first Britany Spears CD. My family had rented a beach house in Duck, North Carolina with some family friends. It was a huge house with three stories and swings on every level. It was beautiful and super close to the beach and sound. I don't remember what we ate or who exactly was there, but I'll never forget having that Britany CD. My friend Katie (I know right) was a huge Britany fan too. Every afternoon we would take our boom-box and stake out the huge balcony off the third story of the house. I remember blasting the Britany CD and dancing on that deck for hours. I had the time of my life singing into a hair brush, showing off my Britany moves and pretending the day would never end. I also remember screaming and crying while my dad pulled out countless splinters from both my feet...I guess that's what happens when you're eight, have a Britany CD and dance barefoot on a deck every day for a week. Music takes me to a place where I have no worries, concerns or fears. I often find myself wishing there was a soundtrack of my life. When I listen to songs I think about certain aspects of my life and try and blend the two together and take inspiration from the lyrics. I really enjoyed the movie Pitch Perfect...not because of the insanely cliché story plot, but because the movie was centered around music and how it has the ability to influence us towards better decisions and those we love. Carrie Underwood's song "See you again" took over the radio towards the end of this summer. I remember hearing it on the way to Smith Mountain Lake for our family reunion with my mom singing loud and proud. I remember hearing it in the ER waiting area at 4 am through my tears. I remember hearing it in my car when my cousin drove me home from the hospital for the first time in 24 hours. When we all got back to VB, I stopped playing the radio because I couldn't handle listening to that song and hearing my mom's voice echo with Underwood's in my head. One of the first times I was with Coby, that song came on in his car. He turned it up and began to sing in a high pitched goofy voice...I began to hear the song differently. Sometimes we need to hear someone else sing the words. Sometimes we need to hear another perspective in a grim situation. Sometimes we need to have more faith in ourselves and in our ability to truly listen because you might hear what you were intended to hear all along. Underwood's lyrics say "sometimes I feel my heart is breaking, but I stay strong and I hold on cause I know...I will see you again. This is not where it ends. I will carry you with me". I can't think of a more positive way to talk about a heart breaking situation, like a terminal form of cancer. My heart breaks a little more every day. Its a little harder to force a smile sometimes since my sorority has been put on hold, my boyfriend is in Arizona and my mom's health is continuing to deteriorate.

Today's devotion discusses a "scapegoat" in the passage from Leviticus 16:3-10. I thought I knew what it meant, but just to be sure I looked it up. Dictionary.com defines the word as "a person or group made to bear the blame for others or to suffer in their place". We have the ultimate scapegoat in Jesus Christ. He died on a cross so that our sins could be forgiven - forever and always. I can play loud music to drown people out, car dance and sing into a hairbrush for hours but sometimes it's not enough to escape. Jesus wants us to blame our problems, worries, concerns and fears on Him; He tells us to blame Him, because He can not only handle it...but He can fix it too. I'm notorious for not letting people into my life and telling them the way I feel because I don't want them to run and not be able to handle it. I have a man who is telling me to give my issues up to Him and blame Him for all my problems - how often in your life does that happen?! Typically, when you blame someone for your problems, it doesn't solve the problem...it just gives you a tummy ache because you know deep down they don't deserve the blame. If you blame Jesus...it's a little different - at least for me. I don't "blame" Jesus for my mom's cancer. I don't "blame" him for moving Coby to Arizona. I don't "blame" him for the 15 splinters I had removed from my foot. Instead I lift these concerns and negative aspects of my life up to God and say "I need your help". I'm finally at a point where I realize I can't do this all on my own and I need help. I don't really know how I need help, I just know that I do. Music is super helpful in influencing my mood and putting a smile on my face, but it isn't going to solve the problem. Next time something bad happens don't immediately blame something or someone else...lift it up to God. Trust me, you feel better.

Dear God, I lift up mean girls that spread rumors - may you help them understand that their words are worthless. I lift up the Peterson family - surround them with your peace. I lift up splinters, Arizona and super girly music. I lift up Bible passages we fail to understand.  I lift up blame - help us understand the consequences of our actions. Help us to know that we can always trust in you. I lift up my fears to the ultimate scapegoat, Jesus Christ. Amen.