My gift

Today I was able to leave the house. Caroline and I went to the grocery store and wore real people clothes for the first time in four days. That may not seem like something worth celebrating...but when you're trapped in your house due to snow and have an eight year old...you're desperate to leave the minute you're able. We were taking our time, going down every aisle just to make sure we didn't miss anything on our list. I've been the main grocery shopper since my mom's illness first started - I feel like a full fledge soccer mom when I'm shopping. I've got my list and know where everything is located - I can be in and out in under 20 minutes...regardless of how many items are on the list. Today was different though...we were laughing and smiling and enjoying being away from home. When we were done shopping we loaded the groceries in the back of my car and Caroline insisted on putting the cart away. I'm the person that leaves the cart in another parking space...especially if it's super cold or a nasty day. My sister is the person who will walk a mile in the tundra just to make sure that the cart is properly put away. Caroline finally got back to the car and we took off. We got stuck at a stoplight right outside our neighborhood. I'm not sure why but I turned to Caroline and said "I want to speak at mom's funeral". Caroline looked back at me and said "I do too...what are you going to say"? A year ago we would have laughed at a conversation about death...because we had plenty of time before we had to worry about things like that. You never think it'll happen to you or your family until it does. Death is something that I'm not okay with...is anybody? I don't think anybody really wants to die or face the reality that death is coming and will eventually happen to all of us. We sat in my car listening to Dave Matthews on the radio, talking about the stories we want to tell at my mom's funeral one day. Surprisingly, it was not a morbid conversation - there was much laughter as we reminisced about the crazy scheming of our mother.

Here's a fact not many people know about the Robinson girls: I did not like Caroline growing up. I didn't like her because she was younger...she couldn't run as fast as me or play the big kid games I wanted to play. I could only play with Barbie shoes or play-doh when she was sleeping...my mom was paranoid Caroline would eat them. As we grew into little people I didn't like her because she always wanted to play with me...she would never leave me alone. Finally, my mom would make me play with her. We would go out in the front yard and play soccer. I was three years older and at the time a much better soccer player than Caroline (though later she would become way better than me - Mia Hamm status). I would make my goal twice as big as Caroline's, so she would get fed up and leave me alone. Whenever we played together it usually ended in Caroline crying and me being put in time out. I was a natural bully with a permanent time out chair. At the end of my freshman year of high school my mom shipped Caroline and I out to Colorado to spend a week with her childhood friend Leigh. Caroline and I knew who Leigh was...but we weren't very close to her - in fact, the whole trip seemed rather odd. At the time, Caroline and I just thought we were having the trip of a lifetime. The first night we stayed there I was terrified of bugs and Caroline wasn't too ecstatic about being away from home - we were really far and not used to that kind of distance. Over the course of that week we had many new experiences, great laughs and better friendships...but not really with each other. A couple days after my mom's diagnosis this summer, Leigh flew across the country to visit us in Roanoke and spend time with my mom. One night we were reminiscing about that oddly awesome trip. Leigh admitted that our "trip of a lifetime" was really my mom's last attempt at helping Caroline and I get along. That's all my mom wanted.

Over the years Caroline and I have become friends...slowly but surely we grew into each others best friends. When I went to college and had a less than desirable experience Caroline was my mom's rock. She was the one still at home and able to listen and offer advice. In my experience, I never realize how much I truly miss someone until they're gone. I missed Caroline being around. She has this infectious smile and personality - you always want more. I can't think of anyone that's more kind or giving. Caroline would share everything with me growing up and I wouldn't dare let her touch any of my things. In the car today we started talking about my mom's other crazy ideas to bridge the gap between us. At one point in time there was a "special dinner plate". Growing up we ate dinner together - there was salad, bread, placemats and candles....every night. Each night a different person was given the "special plate" to eat off of. When you had the "special plate", every one else around the table had to give that person a compliment. Caroline and I became hysterical reminiscing about the things we would say to each other. Caroline would always have some heart breaking response like "I like when you share with me". Whenever it was my turn to compliment Caroline, I struggled to find something to say. I would always give her petty compliments like "I like your eyebrows" or "you have a nice face". My mom would always get angry with me and take away my dessert.

 

I'm not sure why I had such a resentment towards my sister. Today, I can't think of a better person to be stuck in this miserable situation with. Caroline is my best friend. She's the only other female in the world that understands what I'm going through. Don't get me wrong, we totally still fight and get mad at each other. But she's the best gift my mom could have left for me. She's still younger and she doesn't always understand my point of view...but I don't resent her for that. I'm so thankful to have a sister that never gave up on me. Even though I never let her drive our pink Barbie jeep, score any goals or be the teacher when we played school...she always wanted to be my friend. Christ has worked through Caroline all these years. My favorite passage in the Bible is the one I'll be using for the devotional today. It's from Philippians 4:6-7. The passage reads "Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus".

Like my dad, Caroline has had such a strong faith through my mom's illness. I'm the one that's waivered and been doubtful that God's around. My prayers have been for mercy - to take my mom out of her constant state of pain. I pray desperately that her quality of life improves...and to be honest, it's hard to pray for that because I want her here with us forever. But if her quality of life can only improve when she's with Her maker...then I guess that's where she needs to be. It's just hard to pray for things like that. It's hard not to be selfish. When I think about this passage and read it again, I think more thoughtfully about God and my mom. There was definitely a plan. To become pregnant once and have a healthy child is a miracle. This happened for my mom three times. The third time was a miracle for many different reasons...but there's a reason my mom had two kids consecutively. God intended for me to have a built in companion. God knew we'd have some challenges in life to overcome. He knew, before all of us, that we were meant to be a family of 5, not 4. He knew I'd need help raising Michael with dad. When I read this passage, I think about the things I pray for continuously...and realize that many of my prayers have been answered. I pray for strength - and He gave me a sister to cry on, encourage and pray with. I pray for mercy - and He's given me another broken hearted companion to rally with. I pray for a better quality of life for us all - and He's provided my strong and incredible family of 5.

God knew what He was doing all along. My mom tried to help Him out by giving us special compliment plates and trips out to the beautiful city of Loveland, Colorado...but it just wasn't enough. Things come together in their own time and I'm so thankful for God's plan, my mom's spirit and Caroline's persistence.