Counting to 10

"H". It is a common occurrence in my house, for my sister and I to come home and immediately search for food. It is also common for us to complain about not having "any" food in the house. Of course there is food...just not what we were looking for. Sometimes if I wait too long to eat I start to feel lightheaded, nauseous or get the shakes from low blood sugar! I don't miss a meal because my tummy does an excellent job in telling me it's ready to eat. It sounds like a lion is going to erupt from my stomach. In the time between realizing I'm hungry and eating, I become more difficult than normal - I am irrational, stubborn, rude and extremely blunt. It's not a pleasant feeling to be hungry. After I eat adequately, I feel like a brand new person. I have energy and a positive outlook - I want to do things and achieve! It's amazing what food can do.

"A". Another unpleasant emotion is anger. Anger is something I have a lot of these days. I am angered by insensitive people that just don't understand other people have problems. I'm angered by the girls that have worlds the size of pinheads revolving around The Bachelor, tanning beds and social events. I'm angered by silence in moments where there should be talking. Being angry is not flattering for anyone. It's also an emotion that can't be avoided. Sometimes people or events make us mad and it's good to acknowledge those feelings - especially while grieving. In moments of anger I've said things I didn't ultimately mean...but at the time I had to make my point. In moments of anger, we have different intentions - or at least I do. I don't care about hurting feelings or solving the problem...I want to convey that I'm angry and hurt/upset about what that person has done or what that situation has created. I've taken anger to whole new levels and held grudges for years. After a situation has been resolved or I've had time to cool off, I come to my senses. I apologize for my hurtful words or actions and I learn from my foolish mistake.

"L". I could be in a room full of people and still feel alone. I feel lonely often. It's not that I don't have people to love me...it's that my emotions reside on a pendulum - back and forth - regarding the topic of "love". There are few constants in my life now when there used to be many just 4 short months ago. I know my mom loves me, but she doesn't extend a hand or a hug anymore. She doesn't throw out compliments like candy at a parade or facetiously tell me I look like some gorgeous celebrity in People Magazine anymore. Words mean a lot and it's great that she tells me she loves me, but love is meant to be felt and not just heard. Sometimes I have a hard time understanding that I'm desirable. As a young woman I've struggled with this for years - but never to this extreme. I see my mom look in the mirror and talk about the things she doesn't like - her swollen cheeks, her pooh bear tummy, her bald head...and every time I reassure her that she's strong and beautiful. I just wish there was someone beside me every time I thought negatively too. I've learned that loneliness is uncontrollable if it's experienced too long - I work myself up thinking I'll be alone forever or unloved...even though I know it's not true. I am positive 90% of the time, but the 10% I'm not become more of a struggle every day.

"T". Finally, tiredness is no stranger at the Robinson household. We are always tired. I juggle classes and work. My dad is always tired because he wakes up to help my mom to the bathroom 3 times throughout the night. My sister is tired because she puts my brother to sleep - and that is no easy process. We are tired of living this life full of frustration, constantly grieving and helplessly watching this disease take over our lives. We often fight with each other because its easy to reach a point where it all becomes too much to handle. We need time away. If I have a morning shift - you won't catch me at my house that evening too. Being tired is the worst because you're in a bad mood from the start - you basically just wait for someone to say the wrong thing that will set you off. After a good day or a good rest, you feel rejuvenated and ready to assist again. Tiredness is what pokes holes in my tightknit family.

The devotion for today comes from Genesis 25:29-34 and tells the story of Jacob and Esau. Jacob had made food and Esau was starving. Esau begged for food and in an act of desperation gave up his birthright to Jacob. After he ate, he had realized his foolishness. I love food and hate to starve - but I'm not sure I'd agree to give up my birthrights. Fortunately I've never been given this ultimatum or anything close, but if I were truly desperate...who knows what I would do to eat? This passage extends beyond the culinary world we all know and love - it's very applicable to life in general. My devotion book explains the acronym H.A.L.T. - these letters spell a word that means to slow down or stop. The "H" stands for hungry, "A" for angry, "L" for lonely and "T" for tired. These are all describing words that bring out the worst in us. I am a monster when these words are used to describe me. Whenever we (my siblings and I) would do something bad or get into trouble my mom would always walk away and count to 10. She would count to 10 because it gave her a chance to calm down. In those "10 mississippis" my mom would come back a totally different person - a calm, understanding and stern person. She never yelled harshly or irrationally...there was always a purpose to her tone because she calmed herself down and sought to solve the problem rather than win an argument or prove her point. Counting to 10 would make a huge difference in my life regarding my actions and word choices - I need to learn to respond and not react foolishly.

The Bible tells us to slow down and be patient with one another. This life is not a race, it's a marathon. We are not perfect. We make mistakes. God created us so that we could feel a multitude of emotions - happy, sad, angry, loved, lonely, tired, hungry, full, etc. If we all counted to 10 in  moments of weakness or strength, the world might be a more accepting and loving place. I think God counts to 100 when it comes to me. I often doubt Him and do things that He may not think are pleasing. He has had much patience with me as I learn my lessons through a "crash and burn" approach. While we cannot escape the unpleasant emotions like being hungry, angry, lonely or tired, we could work to HALT them before they spiral out of control.