I absolutely love the zoo. I love watching the animals play, eat and live candidly. My friends often joke me because I love the zoo more than some kindergarteners - but we all have our quirks. Most of the time I press my face up to the glass and watch in awe of these majestic creatures - not really thinking about the fact that they're captured and living in a box. Lately, I've felt like a zoo animal...with faces all pressed up against the glass. I feel like everyone is encroaching on my exhibit. Out of habit, I always look away when an animal pees or poops because it's totally gross and I would want privacy too. But there's always that kid who watches it all pointing and screaming to anyone that will listen about the animal's bowel movements. Nobody watches me use the bathroom, but there's little privacy in my life...much like the animals on display in the zoo. When it comes to cancer nobody knows what to do, what to say or how to act. I'm not sure there's a right answer or even a right question to ask. I'm absolutely exhausted from all the anxiety and stress I feel on a daily basis. I just can't handle it as well as I used to.
There is a phenomenal zoo in Columbia, South Carolina. My favorite part is the island of monkeys - no joke - their exhibit is in the middle of the zoo. There are big trees and a monkey treehouse with a couple beautifully big monkeys. There is no cage around the island - in its place is a moat of water that separates the island from the mainland (AKA the rest of the zoo). I remember standing and watching the monkeys swing back and forth for at least an hour or two. It was so cool...I was so close and could watch them live and interact with each other. I felt like I was a monkey too. The longer I stood watching, the more I wondered if the monkeys ever tried to escape. There was nothing preventing them from swinging off the trees onto the mainland and running through the zoo. If I were a monkey, I'd totally try to escape and visit the other animals in their cages. I'd totally pull a "curious George" and release all the animals so they could be free too. What does it mean to be free? I vaguely remember the word...but I'm not sure I can define it anymore.
Everyone wants to be helpful. Everyone wants to show their support. Everyone wants to console you. I sincerely appreciate the support we receive on a daily basis - I don't think we could have made it this far without everyone's help, love and prayers. It's just so hard to be strong. It's hard to be the one people turn to for support. It's hard to live this life - I feel like an animal trapped behind the glass. I hate coming home and watching my family suffer. I hate seeing my mom in this condition. I hate talking about my life and the choices we're having to make. What is the best quality of life? The best quality of life doesn't involve cancer. This is all just so unfair. This week has been so challenging for me because family has been calling from near and far. They've been visiting and bringing us things to provide relief. I'm SO grateful for all these things...it's just that when everyone is around, we rehash and review the same horrible series of events over and over again. I feel nauseous every time I think about my mom's cancer. I'm not hungry - I'm not tired - I'm numb from all the emotions I feel every day. The stress and anxiety I've pushed away for the last 5 months is finally here and its incapacitating.
The devotion for tonight is from 1 Chronicles 28:20. It reads, "Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you". I'm strong and courageous for my family 24/7 365 days a year. I am constantly doing something for somebody else - sometimes it's incredibly frustrating and annoying because it's hard to be so selfless...but most of the time I don't have another option. I am very discouraged that God doesn't seem to be here, on Largo Drive. I don't blame Him for my mom's cancer...but I think He's taking His sweet time in figuring out what to do. I pray without ceasing. While I find it hard to have faith and hard to be strong, I know that God has no problem doing so. God takes charge and leads us into battle every single day. Even though I don't really think He's doing much....He is somehow someway. He will not let me fight alone and He provides an army to guard my family day and night. I've never had much courage - I've always been more of the cowardly lion. God has strength and courage when I don't...he won't let me fail or forsake me. I know all these things and still struggle with my belief in Him. This week has been extremely challenging with copious amounts of stress and crucial decisions...God's had His hand in the mix somewhere. I don't understand why many things happen...especially this...but I know it's all part of the plan. I can't always be strong and bear this pressure and weight - but I can certainly pass the puck to someone who can.
Dear God,
Give me the strength to get through these next couple weeks. Help me to be kind, patient and calm. Be with us when we receive answers to our current state of affairs. Watch over my mom and help her feel your love. Help us all feel your love - even the animals in the zoo. Amen.
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