Have you ever woken up to your mom having a seizure? Have you ever watched her seize through the back of an ambulance window? Have you ever changed your mom's diaper? Have you ever had a doctor look you in the eye and say "well, it doesn't look good"? Have you ever fed your mom an entire meal - alternating bites with sips of water? Have you ever been told your mom WILL die of cancer? Have you ever thought about burying your mom when you're in your self absorbed twenties? Bet you haven't. But if you have...you sorta understand that nothing about my life is pleasant. When I wake up in the morning...I don't know what I'll find or endure. Sometimes I'm woken up to my name being frantically called throughout my house - you learn to hate your name when its laced with panic and fear. This morning was one of those mornings. My mom's health is deteriorating rapidly. Over the past 5 months her health has gradually become worse and worse as the cancer takes over her body. We knew this would happen...but it still just amazes me how things change in the blink of an eye. I've been here the whole time, witnessing everything and trying to process and reflect...but I'm still shocked that this is my reality.
I understand that there are mean people in the world. But I don't understand how people abuse animals, set houses on fire or have the audacity to intentionally use words for harm. We give words entirely too much power as it is...but when words become the most important part of our reality - they deserve power. My mom and I have not had a physical relationship since August 10. I know she loves me...but when the hugs, kisses and expressions of empathy are gone...words are all I have left. When others abuse their words and say hurtful things to get a rise out of me or to intentionally make me feel crappy...it hurts more than it normally would. I'm in a different place in my life than most of my peers - I've had to grow up and become an adult. I can't cruise through college and drink my life away every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night. I have responsibilities and obligations to my family and myself - I have integrity. I understand that some people don't grow up until they're staring at life square in the face. That's fine...but we all could do a little more maturing when it comes to our language and words. Growing up I was bullied and my mom would always console me by saying "they're just jealous - they have to put themselves down because they don't believe they're good enough". I never listened to her because it never made sense to me. But now...I'm starting to understand. To think so lowly of yourself that you have to slander the name of someone else is mind-blowing to me. I believe that the image you project and the words that pour out of your mouth are direct reflections of the person inside - there are some people I'm ashamed to know and others that I'm privileged to be around.
I'm sure you're waiting for the card I'm about to pull...so here it is. Of all the people to be mean to, manipulate and bully...why in the world would you pick me? So that you can kick me while I'm already down? To be the cherry on top to an already insanely frustrating and scary day? Nobody truly knows what goes on at my house - what a typical day is like. I struggle through everything...through friendships, homework, relationships, emotions, self worth, resilience and faith. Do you know what it's like to live in a world where nothing is reliable? Where nothing about your life is the same every single day? It's scary and unfair. I'll climb down from my soapbox and say that nobody should ever be bullied or picked on - to have words used against them for harm. We all do it everyday...in small and big ways. We tell someone their outfit looks great when it really makes them look like a whale. We tell someone a secret and later find it trending on social media. Or worse, we seek out someone we care deeply about and make false accusations that break their heart.
Today's devotion is from Haggai 1:2-8, 2:4-5. I didn't even know that Haggai was a book in the Bible until I read this passage. It explains that God should be our number 1 priority. In everything we do, others should be able to see that God is number one in your life. The scripture reads, "You have planted much but harvest little. You eat but are not satisfied. You drink but are still thirsty. You put on clothes but cannot keep warm." I often feel this way...like nothing is ever enough. I don't do a good job of putting God first. I am getting better about it because I'm more aware of his presence. But I often wonder what people think of me or who they see in me. I'd like to think people have happy thoughts when they think of me - I'd like to think I come off as a strong and reliable lady. I'd like to think that people see my mom in me. She's my role model and best friend. She's the best person I have ever met and will ever know. I'd like to think people see God in me too - in the things I practice and I preach. In this blog it's been my goal to highlight the positive works of God and share my journey through cancer and faith. I shouldn't get so upset by insensitive comments that are rooted in jealousy. I shouldn't complain or throw pity parties for myself because everyone struggles through problems in life. I shouldn't let my emotions control my brain. My life is very challenging these days but I do my best to suck it up and turn my face to the sun. However, sometimes you've just got to let it out and be sad.
I think the message in this devotion is that with God things become "just enough". With God there will always be enough to eat. I can't tell you how many times I panic about what we'll eat for dinner. My dad and I will go to the kitchen and pull out a pile of recipes only to receive a text message or a phone call that dinner is being provided and on its way. God truly does take care of you. With God there will always be love. I receive many messages and texts about the Good News found in this blog. It inspires me to continue sharing my story and faith. It reminds me that good still dwells in many of my peers. With God there will be a better tomorrow. While things at my house are challenging these days and many unknowns are certain - there is always a reason to smile. We have another day together in this mess we all call life. We have another day to make a memory...my mom won't remember, but we will. You can't let worries from yesterday impact tomorrow because new joys and challenges lie ahead. With God, words can't hurt us. Words can be false and mean and absolutely terrible sometimes...but God's words are more powerful and He absolutely adores me. His love can outlast anybody's love or hate for another - He is the Alpha and the Omega and has the final say. With God, we are who we're made to be. So tonight, I encourage you to think about the things you endure every day - your struggles, worries and fears. I encourage you to think about the things you say to others. What or who do people see in you?
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