Tonight we played a game around the dinner table. The game was called "would you rather". The classic questions came up: would you rather be a dinosaur or a dragon, would you rather be stranded on a private island alone or working in a factory with friends, would you rather save the world and die a hero or save the world and nobody know? For the record, I would be a dinosaur, stranded alone on my island and I'd love to die a hero. After that last question I left the table to get started on the mountain of dishes piled in our sink. I hate doing dishes. It's just something about the spaghetti sauce, from a meal I can't recognize, encrusted on a plate or the French Onion dipped spoon that never got rinsed off that makes me gag while taking one for the team. I have some type of OCD syndrome because I love for things to be orderly and neat - I have so much anxiety when things are messy. Therefore, I do the dishes immediately following a meal...I can't help it. I usually play music and dance in front of the sink while I rub and scrub the crud away and load the dishwasher. Tonight I didn't play music, I listened to everyone's varied responses to the "would you rather" game. My mind kept taking me back to the "would you rather save the world and die a hero or save the world and nobody know" question. I don't think anybody wants to be forgotten. I think secretly we all need some recognition and reassurance...especially if we saved the world. The more I thought about this question, the more it bothered me.
Every morning since late October I've woken up to a text message or a missed call from a very special friend. This friend grew into something more and I still get excited to check my phone because I know he'll be the first person I talk to or hear from every day. Even though I know it's coming...I still have moments of anxiety as I enter the password into my phone. What if he forgot about me? What if he met someone new? What if he got bored? What if he was having a good morning without me? What if he sent good morning to the wrong girl? Those seconds of temporary insanity and panic are immediately tossed out the window when I see "good morning". It's amazing how easily I'm reassured. I think some of my desperate need for reassurance comes from my mom's diagnosis...but I think to some extent it's normal. I'm afraid of being forgotten. The classic best friend line is "well, if he forgot about you he wasn't the one". I guess my point is that no matter what - it sucks to be the one that was forgotten or left out. When you date someone you don't automatically assume that guy will be "the one"...or at least I don't. Don't get me wrong...it'd be great if life worked that way, but typically it doesn't. I've been the one in relationships that's been overlooked, forgotten, and left out, so I know how it feels to be second best. Thankfully, I've been blessed with a sweet man who reassures me by responding to my corny joke text messages and FaceTimes me for breakfast dates.
I had to become a temporary alum from my sorority this semester. Cancer is a huge financial burden. Let me say that again...cancer is a huge financial burden. Nothing can prepare you for this expense. I'm pretty sure Bill Gates would struggle financially if he had cancer. We all have had to make sacrifices and this "active" status was mine. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love my sorority. I joined this organization two years ago because I didn't know anyone on campus and I wanted an easy way to make friends. My mom was a Delta Zeta at Lenoir Rhyne College, making me a DZ legacy. I have made friends that will be my future bridesmaids (if I ever find anyone crazy enough to marry me) and friends who will stand beside me on the day of my mom's funeral. In making the decision to go alum I knew I would be forgotten. I didn't realize how quickly that would happen though. In the Greek world it's easy to become immediately left out. It's a small world that is propelled by spirit days, PanHellenic weeks and rush events. I don't think people do it intentionally - but it happens. Things are just different now because I'm not there and nobody really knows what to say to me. My life circumstances put people in an awkward position. Some people will ask "how's your mom"...some will genuinely want to know and others will just ask because they know they should. It's interesting to me the people that have reached out since I've left. It's not necessarily the people I would have assumed - yet again, another reason not to assume things. It's been a true testament to character and unconditional love. I've become close with sisters I didn't know very well while active in the organization. Their continued support and kind words make this blog possible. Sometimes it feels like I make a difference...I hope that I can inspire other people to look beyond the tragedies and rough patches in their life and focus on the joys present among us.
I think sometimes people believe God has forgotten about them. Sometimes I think God's forgotten about my family too. The devotion for today comes from Isaiah 49: 13-18. In this devotion many comparisons are made: God is like a mother. God is like a person whose love is engraved on His palms. God is like a guard on a wall. God is like a jeweler who adorns you with the most beautiful jewels. I believe these things to be true. I think God makes many comparisons to reassure us that we're not forgotten. God is like the spaghetti sauce encrusted to a dinner plate or the lingering smell of French Onion dip....it never really 100% comes off or goes away. From a sanitary standpoint...that's a pretty gross analogy, but we all know what I'm trying to say. Faith is forever. God is like the tri tone alarm on my phone when it receives my "good morning" text message. God is always there with the Good News. No matter how many times we ignore the alerts or reject the call he finds a way to reach us and remind us that we're useful, valued and adored. God is like the encouraging Facebook messages I receive daily from my sisters about my blog. He doesn't always stay on the radar...He restores my faith in others and helps me to understand that I can make an impact - physically and cyberly. God has not forgotten your worries, joys and fears. God has not forgotten your place and name. God has given us pointless games, reassuring significant others and supportive friends to serve as reminders that we're always on His mind.
No comments:
Post a Comment