Mother's Day

There's nothing I hate more than waking up early. Early to me is anytime before noon. That whole "the early bird gets the worm" thing just doesn't even come close to appealing to me. I say, let that bird get that worm cause in a few hours he won't be hungry and I'll snatch the next one. The worst is when you're dreaming and you wake up too soon and are left to wonder what happened in your dream. A week or so ago I had a dream about my mom and I can't stop thinking about it. My mom was sitting on a cloud watching me live life and go through my daily routine. She was opening doors for me so that I could walk through and explore new territories. She was closing certain doors behind me as well. I tried to talk to someone about my dream and attempted to Google what a dream like this could possibly mean...but didn't really gain any new understanding. The past couple days have been eerily suspicious because in more ways than one doors have been opened and closed. And it's comforting for me to think about my mom continuing to participate in my life. This past weekend I was able to get away from the hustle and bustle of life in VB and spend quality time with my family and my mom's best friend. It was a time of refocus and renewal. For three days I was able to tune the world out, dig my toes into the sand and soak up the sun. My heart has been suffering a lot since my mom passed - I'm desperate to find and feel love. I'm desperate to be a priority to someone, but I've been searching in all the wrong places. I've realized that sometimes it's better to walk away and allow time to tell the rest of the tale. This weekend I allowed my heart to be open to God and talk about feelings and emotions with two people I love the most - my dad and my mom's best friend. I started to wonder if the doors my mom was opening and closing for me had anything to do with my relationships and friendships - those that are damaging and those that bring great joy.

Without a doubt, I believe that one door my mother was opening led to the store front of Apricot Lane. Other students in the fashion merchandising program at ODU have been planning their internships for months. I, on the other hand, had a lot more to worry about than college this semester and didn't realize the importance of having an internship this summer. Through an act of God, I found the most perfect one ever. Everything has worked out and I am in love with the store and those that work beside me. I know my mom would be so proud of me for everything I've been able to accomplish this year and having this internship is the cherry on top. I intend to go places with my life and this internship is the first step in that process of gaining independence and rebuilding confidence in myself and in my degree. The door that shut in this case, was the door to my insecurity. I've never had a retail job before so I had absolutely no qualifications for employment at this boutique. They took a risk with me and for that I am so thankful - constantly amazed at the ways in which God works in my life.

My last thought about doors is that holidays like Mother's Day, Father's Day and Valentine's Day are stupid and useless. That's right. I'm not saying that cause I'm bitter or a jerk. I'm saying it because your mother, father, and loved one should be appreciated and celebrated all day, every day and they should know it. I understand that these are commercial holidays created by the industry so you feel pressure to buy flowers or jewelry or make pancakes to deliver to someone in bed only to have syrup all over your sheets and comforter for weeks. How many people buy flowers for their loved one on other days of the year? How many buy a card to mail, just because? How many people make their significant other toast or bring them lunch at work for no particular reason? Why is it that we wait for these crazy stupid holidays to appreciate the ones we love? On Mother's Day I received several kind text messages, facebook messages, instagram posts and phone calls. It was sweet that others thought of me and reached out to let me know they cared. I received several "today must be hard for you" messages...and if you sent one of those, you'd be 100% correct. Mother's Day was a difficult day for my family charged with raw emotion and anger. However, you'd be correct in texting me every single day with that message, "today must be hard for you". I don't care if it's Great Grandmother's Twice Removed Cousin's Day - that day would still be difficult for my family and I. Mother's Day is a sad excuse for spoiled kids to "thank" their mother's and complain about having to spend the day with the family. It's a day where all of a sudden, you have to celebrate someone else and put them first. We don't do a good job of remembering to put others first - myself included. I've gotten better over this past year, because I've been forced to do better. Thankfully, my parents and I have always had an open door policy. We've always been encouraged to share feelings and thoughts and openly appreciate and love one another.

The hardest part of losing my mother was that she wasn't just a parental figure - she was my friend and loyal companion. She was my advocate and confidant. We celebrated Mother's Day, Father's Day and Valentine's Day every single day of the last 22 years. We never went to bed upset with each other because we wouldn't be able to sleep. I remember the good ole days in middle school (which weren't really the good ole days) when my mom and I would disagree. She would never yell - she would just throw out that "I'm disappointed" phrase and the argument or disagreement was over and I would flee to my room and sob. I remember many nights, writing my mom notes to leave on her pillow apologizing for every not nice thing I said or did that disappointed her. I would leave the note on her pillow so that she would see it before bed and we would be fine in the morning. That's what was cool about my mom - she never admitted to winning a fight. After it was over, you'd never hear another word about it. If she held a grudge, I never knew it. A could days after my mom passed away we went through her bedside drawer. I found every single note I left on her pillow over the years. My mom really knew how much I loved and appreciated her. For that, I am thankful.

When I think about Angels, I think about my mom. She had a unique purpose on this Earth. She was here to do better for others - to show others that they deserved more. It's not okay to settle on happiness - you deserve to be over the top, world series game winning home run kind of happy. It's not okay to settle on employment - you deserve to be doing your dream job and working hard for what you love and support. It's not okay to settle on disagreeing - you should work to understand and seek to compromise so that nobody is left hurting. My mom might not physically be with me anymore, but she's continuing to teach me lessons from Heaven and draw me closer to God and scripture. There's a passage from Colossians that speaks to me tonight, "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him". We need to be Christ like and allow our hearts to speak out and demand the respect, attention and love we deserve. We need to rejoice in our ability to live life and cherish every moment spent with those we love and value. We need to give thanks for those that hurt us, love us and inspire us to do better. We need to do better for others, not just on Mother's Day, Father's Day and Valentine's Day...but every day because it is God's will. This summer I intend to follow my heart and strive to find inner happiness in my friends, my internship and my job. I intend to dive deeper into my relationship with God because it is the most important and honest relationship I have. God has continued my time on Earth because I am capable of so much more - I have no idea what I can do for myself or for others, but I'm so excited to continue this journey and find out.