Livin' on a Prayer

A couple days ago I had a bad day. It was one of those days where nothing went right. I'm not sure if my stress level has increased because I'm running off only a couple hours of sleep or because it's exam week...but I'm stressed to the max. I feel like I'm constantly treading water, but no matter how hard I tread I still sink. On the way home from my bad day I dialed a number I knew all too well. I called someone that I knew would understand...someone who could make everything better - my mom. When the voicemail began to play I realized what I had done and then was even more upset with myself. What do you do when your go-to person is permanently unavailable? I was desperate to reach someone who would care about my horrible day. So I began to search through the contents of my contact list. I was in a weird mood...I was upset, discouraged, annoyed and hurt. I dialed a number I hadn't called in a while. When she answered she seemed stunned and surprised that I was calling in the middle of the day on a Wednesday. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not very good at keeping in touch with anyone. It's a lot of effort and lately that's just been quite difficult to exert. We began to talk and I confessed that I only wanted someone to listen to my horrible day. She listened and volunteered advice when appropriate. We talked for a while and at the end of our conversation, my smile was back and I was ready to endure whatever horrible thing was coming next. The rest of my evening was pretty uneventful and simple. We had dinner, watched a movie and I finished my final exam. Right before bed I went to turn on my alarm for the morning and saw three separate text messages. Each message was from the person I called earlier that day. All of these messages were affirming my existence and reassuring me that God has a plan and everything will ultimately work out and be okay. In that moment, I knew I was loved and as lame as it sounds, I hugged my iphone. I physically hugged my iphone because the words that had come through cyberspace were exactly what I needed. Someone texted me to tell me I was great and that things would be better....and I didn't text them first or ask for a response. Why do we let other people and bad situations dictate our attitudes and decisions? I refuse to believe that I am the only 22 year old that thinks about other people before myself...but I do wonder where the others are?

Today I was driving home and I passed a church sign that said "Make up your mind about Jesus". I'll admit, I read the sign and thought "yeah, okay". It's difficult for me to make my mind up about Jesus. He created all of us and could have saved my mother. But He didn't. Or did He? I have so many questions and unfortunately, most cannot be answered. I hate when people tell me that everything happens with time. Do you know how hard it is to wait? Maybe I have a difficult time waiting because I've always been impatient...but I think a lot of it has to do with living on a timeline for the past 7 months. August 11 we were given a timeline of 13 months - you can imagine how disappointed I am that we only actually had 7. When you live with a ticking time bomb in your head for any given amount of time, you begin to wonder if you're living the right way. Over the past 7 months I had been running off adrenaline and trying to dive into every aspect of family life and time together. Now that my mom's gone my head is spinning because I don't understand what I'm doing with my time. I had a purpose over the past 7 months and now I am very confused. I feel as if all I ever do is waste time being alone or waste time on people who ultimately don't matter. That sounds incredibly harsh, but it's the truth. There's nothing worse than spending time and energy on someone who has no intention of putting you first or making you happy. And it's just not fair.

I looked into what the Bible says about time and found comfort in James 4:13-17. The passage says, "What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that'". Growing up my mom would joke around with my brother that she brought him into this world and if needed, she could take him out. God will call us/pull us/yank us when the time is right and remove us from our Earthly state. I spend so much time anxious, stressed, discouraged and upset. I should really be thanking God for the opportunity of life and all that comes with it. I should thank Him for the friendships and relationships that crash and burn. I should thank Him for the cold weather and the rain even when I'm soaked and miserable. I should thank Him for allowing me to live in His name and feel happiness, love and disappointment. My mood has drastically improved since finding this passage because if I really were to live life for God, I would be carefree. If I really and truly prayed and did what He asked of me, I would be on an established path moving in a direction where the future is promising. A common question I get these days is "what do you plan to do after college". I hate that question...but I only hate it because I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do. I begin to panic and stress about never finding a job or become upset that I don't feel a purpose in my life. I've learned that it's okay to wonder and question and raise concerns to God. I've also learned that I'm way too high-strung. This week is the first week of summer (for me) and I'm using it to begin my life actually living for God. I plan to say "yes" more frequently, listen carefully and live without my timeline of events. I need to live for the day, for myself and for God. As He says..."if the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that". I need to trust that if it is His will, it will be done and not try to hold onto or change the things that I can't. I will continue to wonder what He's up to and why He's taken my best friend. But I plan to learn more about His good works, toss my timeline and live off prayer.