#newyear #sameme

The new year brings new hope, aspirations and beginnings for everyone. It’s a chance to test a new mindset or string of attitudes. It’s a chance to try a new hobby or travel destination. I don’t know a sole that goes into the new year wanting everything to remain the same. Everyone is always looking to advance, upgrade or improve whether it’s their physical fitness, their electronics or personal finances – everyone is searching for change. This new year has been much needed for my family and I. I wasn’t necessarily looking for change because I’ve received enough of that this year, but for a new beginning – a chance to put the junk of 2014 behind me. There was much heartbreak, drama and tragedy. 2015 will be better by default, but I can do everything in my power to ensure that it’s the best year yet. I’m sure you’ve all seen the hashtag and phrase “new year, new me”. It’s never too late to make a change and become better than you’ve been. I don’t know why we wait for January 1 of any year to make that change, but I’m thankful for the opportunity January 1 provides for my friends, family and community. This year I’d like to continue the positive changes I’ve made in my life changing this motto to “new year, same me”. I plan to search for new hopes, new goals, new hobbies and new insights in the same skin I’ve finally grown used to. I understand that snakes shed their old skin to make room for the new every 3-4 months. It’s taken me 23 years to grow into the skin I’ve got and there’s still room to grow a little more; I’ve learned that I’m awkward, kind, ditsy and motivated. I’ve learned that I can truly accomplish anything I put my mind to and that I’m a force to be reckoned with in a presentation room. The greatest lesson I’ve learned is that I am loved by many as a child of God in this skin that’s been mine for 23 years – that’s reason right there for my explanation of “new year, same me”.  

I’m 23 and at that awkward stage in life where everyone is posting engagement rings and career moves on social media. I can’t help but compare my life to theirs because they’re my peers and it feels weird to not be joining them in these momentous stages of life. I don’t know what it is about being a 20 something but you feel as if everything revolves around you at all times. There’s something about being obsessed with your friends and everything that happens in their lives – then equating that to what’s happening in yours. Since August 11, 2013 I’ve been obsessed with my friends’ lives and how mine doesn’t even begin to compare. At first it was very upsetting to me and now I think a little differently – it’s okay to be different and experience different stages of life without modeling your actions or feelings on what someone else has done. It’s okay to forge your own path and make your own mistakes. Are you ever really living if you base your decisions on what works best for other people?

I’ve started running to clear my head and calm all of life’s anxiety that I just can’t shake off. I started using an elliptical because it was easier on my joints. I always switched the screen to a race track setting so that I could measure how far I was running. I would run 2 miles every day regardless of whether the screen was visible or not; but something about watching myself digitally cross the 2 mile finish line made the screen worthwhile. It’s easy to feel good about the decisions you’re making when you see the outcome in-front of you. I had coffee today with a dear friend and engaged many conversations about previous “mistakes” and “misfortunes” that happened throughout our lives. For the first time I could finally see that these “mistakes” I’ve thought of for so many years were actually blessings and lessons learned in their own way. I wouldn’t be the person I am without all of these misfortunes. I wouldn’t understand the joy of being loved and loving others if my heart hadn’t been broken so many times. I wouldn’t understand the commitment and challenges it takes to maintain a family if my mother hadn’t passed away early. I wouldn’t be the devoted Christian I am, if my faith hadn’t been tested so many times. Each person is different and cannot be compared to another – my life decisions are my own and impact the course of my life; it’s not my job to stalk social media to see whether I match up with my friends or peers. God’s will determines my fate and that’s more comforting than I ever thought. God challenges us through forces we can and cannot see – he doesn’t provide cancer or seek misfortune on anyone. He gives us the tools to cope and rise above illness and despair. This year I’ve made decisions to follow my dreams through leaps of faith and supportive friends and family with God’s hand guiding me on paths that at times are pretty lonely and scary. Knowing my mother, she’s probably back-seat driving and annoying the mess out of God in his attempts to guide me down different paths. Her presence remains strong and impactful in my everyday life even though she has passed on; some things I just can’t explain because I know she had a hand in them.

The passage from my Stocking Stuffer devotional is from John 10:14-15; it reads, “I am the good shepherd; I know my own sheep, and they know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father. So I sacrifice my life for the sheep”. I liked this passage because it’s humbling to think of yourself as a sheep, wandering around feeding on grass, seed or whatever it is that sheep eat avoiding wolves and carnivorous animals. I find it comforting that even though we are sheep, God knows everything about us that makes us different and unique because He is our shepherd – our caretaker and confidant. He doesn’t compare us to our peers or judge us for our previous decisions or misfortunes. Frankly, I don’t think He cares about any of those things; He’s more concerned with loving us and keeping us as His own, guiding us on our own individualized paths through life. He teaches us through our decisions and life circumstances to love one another and find hope in each new day and year. And once we find it, He encourages us to share the Good News with the world. This new year, I encourage you to become your best self – learning from misfortunes, giving hope to those that need it most and continuing the good you started in 2014. May 2015 be the best year yet. 

Euyore vs. Tigger

We live in a world that's anxious to point fingers and blame innocent bystanders. We live in a world that demands answers for seemingly impossible situations. It'd be so nice if I could pin-point the person or thing that gives people cancer. If I could look that person in the eye and say some choice words - maybe I'd feel better. Cancer is like the big bully in school that you could never quite stand up to. They were always just a little too big, ugly and intimidating. When things don't go my way I find someone or something to blame. It's not right, but chances are you search for something to blame too. My first instinct isn't to solve the problem - it's to figure out who/what caused it and dwell on that for a while.

When Caroline and I were little we refused to go to sleep when we were told. Actually, we refused to do a lot of things (I spent a lot of time in time out) but bed time was always an unwritten 'option'. Our parents would sing to us, pray with us, tuck us into our beds and go downstairs to watch TV. Caroline and I were separated by a small hallway in our old house and I could hear the steps creak when my parents fled the scene. I would always invite Caroline into my room so we could play a little bit longer. Now, I know it comes across as me wanting to spend time with my sister...but I had other motives. I enjoyed playing with Caroline...on my terms. I was just lucky she was too little to figure out what those terms were. I invited her into my room because when my parents would catch us, she would be the one that got in trouble. I would always complain that she just came into my room wanting to play with me and kept me from sleeping. Caroline would sulk back to her room distraught that she was in trouble. I never wanted to be the one to compromise or get into trouble. My parents never grounded us or spanked us or really punished us in any way. When we were really young we were put in time out for a few minutes, but as we got older the whole "I'm disappointed in you" phrase was pulled out and we were putty in their hands. I'm not really sure when that phrase was started, but I remember thinking "would my mom be okay with this" on a regular basis through all ages of my life. This phrase probably explains why I've never had an reckless college nights or failing grades. I've been a straight arrow all of my life because I've never wanted to give my parents any reason to point fingers and blame someone or me for my behavior.

Tonight I reached for the devotional my mom gave me and found scripture from John. It's a passage all about blame, assumption and judgment. You see, the Pharisees judge a blind man, questioning why he was born without sight. They assume it's because of his sins or the sins of his parents. However, Jesus throws them a curveball - he spits on the ground, makes mud and rubs it on the blind mans eyes. The blind man washes the mud from his eyes and suddenly can see. Jesus says, "I entered this world to render judgment - to give sight to the blind and to show those who think they see that they are blind". I think a lot of the world is blind. I am blind most of the time. There are things I should see, people I should help and things I should do.

In this life I think there are two kinds of people. There are Euyores and Tiggers (Yes, this is a Winnie the Pooh reference). The Euyore people of the world are those that are always the victim of bad and upsetting situations. They are the ones that sit alone and wallow in self pity. The Tigger people of the world are those that don't let negativity slow them down. They choose to find the positive silver lining in every grim situation and keep moving forward with a spring in their step. When my mom was first diagnosed, my family was at the cross roads of becoming an Euyore group of people. Instead of caving into the pressures of grief and anxiety, we chose to be Cancerstrong Tiggers. My mom always encouraged my siblings and I to set goals and influence change. October 19 I invite you to attend an event that's aimed at effecting change for the Hampton Roads community. I am hosting a fashion show entitled Cancerstrong to celebrate with those that are survivors, honor those that have passed on and educate everyone else that doesn't understand anything about Cancer. I encourage you to come to this event and/or donate to the cause. I can't point fingers or blame anyone for my mom's Earthly departure, but I can do the best I can to change someone else's fate. Don't choose to be blind. Be the change. Be a Tigger.

John 9: 1-3, 6-7, 35, 39-41

#Cancerstrong Fashion Show Information
www.gofundme.com/Cancerstrong2014
www.facebook.com/Cancerstrong2014

Anniversary

A couple weeks ago we had vacation bible school at my church. As usual, I teamed up with my best girl to take on the 4 and 5 year old class. Last year we had 4 kids that were precious, sweet and obedient. This year we had 11 kids that were independent and wild. It’s one of the most rewarding weeks of my summer because I am able to help foster and witness the Holy Spirit moving through these little people. I learned a couple years ago that it’s impossible to teach 4 and 5 year olds specific stories in the bible and expect them to want to understand. This week of VBS was important for laying the foundation for their future in faith; instilling the gospel in each and every one of my 11 kids. Every day we honed in on two important concepts, Jesus loves you more than you know and He has called you by name. Each day we would attempt to throw in a bible verse for memorization purposes, but I was satisfied with reiterating the most important aspect of religion (in my opinion), God’s unconditional and never ceasing love. I know our kids had a great week because we played with a beach ball in the classroom, made playdoh pizzas, finger painted paper and everything else they could put their little hands on at FLC (Sorry maintenance) and ate sugary snacks all day long. It’s much harder to tell whether they grasped any of the gospel. On the last day of VBS a little boy approached me and said he had a question. He looked around to see if any of the other kids were listening before he gave me his question. He then moved very close to my face and said “I love you”. Remember in the Grinch when he feels love and his heart grows so big it bursts out of the box on the TV screen? That’s sorta how I felt. My heart was full. I smiled to this little boy and said “I love you too”. Immediately he smiled and responded “I love you more”. I know at least one child heard God’s good news that week.

That week of VBS really does a lot of good for our youth in the congregation. We expect to receive love from our friends, family, peers, etc. but we often forget to share it. God’s love is free, abundant, unconditional and never ceasing. It’s truly amazing. God’s love is pure, much like love from a child or a puppy. You could wrong a puppy over and over again and it would still run to you with love in its eyes every time you call. Children are the same way (to some extent). Working with children that week is an excellent form of birth control, but it’s also an eye-opening awakening of how important it is to give love. I’m convinced that little boy loved Maddie and I because we showed him love. We showed God’s love.  The best kind there is.

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my mom’s seizure and diagnosis. It was a rough day to say the least. I was overwhelmed by God’s great love demonstrated by friends and family that texted, called and brought baked goods to show that my mom had not been forgotten. August 11, 2013 was a day that changed my life forever. I had no idea the impact my mother had on so many until her illness became public. Our home phone rang off the hook, the mailman delivered letters in bags only designated for Santa and our fridge was always full. If you’ve seen the movie Frozen, it’s about two sisters who stick together after the loss of their parents. One of my favorite lines comes from Elsa when she finally comes to her senses, “love will thaw”. Love doesn’t fix everything that’s happened. Love doesn’t make my mom come back from Heaven. But love makes life on Earth bearable without her physically here.  I’ve been blessed by my church congregation, my sorority sisters and family members that show an abundance of love in hopes that it thaws the frozen parts of my heart.

A couple days ago I decided it would be a good idea to go through old text messages from my mom and find ones I wanted to save for a rainy day. It turned out to be a really horrible idea with me having several episodes of hysteria in disbelief that she's really gone forever. I can't think about it too long without becoming anxious and overwhelmingly upset. The first message I read ended with "love you". The second one did too. And the third. Turned out at the end of every texting conversation we ever had she said "love you" or "xoxox". My mom was a love expert. I'm convinced that she was sent by God to give love to the world. When I think back a year ago to August 12, my mom was hooked up to a million monitors and people were driving and flying from all ends of the Earth to visit her and help my family in some capacity. My church congregation had divied up responsibilities - someone picked up our dog from the kennel, someone organized meals to be delivered when we got home, someone mowed our lawn, someone cleaned our house, etc. There wasn't one moment since August 11, 2013 where I haven't felt God's love. I've been angry at God since then, but there's no denying He loves me. If He didn't love me, He wouldn't have given us so many witnesses of His good works. This time last year our pastor, who was on vacation at the time, and two of my mom's best friends made the trek to Roanoke, VA to be with us in our time of tragedy and crisis before her fate was known. I remember sitting down to dinner that night to a meal provided by a friend of the family that I've never met. I remember eating a piece of bread. I remember being sick to my stomach and having mascara permanently stuck to my cheeks. But more importantly, I can remember the atmosphere of the room - I remember it being really warm, everyone holding hands and praying. I remember everyone sobbing through the prayer. I remember saying Amen and watching everyone hug one another in no hurry of starting the meal. The love on "Mauney Island" as we nicknamed it, was so thick it almost formed an invincible bubble around the house. God was present that day, just as he's been every day of my life.

The hardest adjustment has been not hearing my mom's voice and not being able to hug her anytime I want. Again, can't dwell on that point otherwise I'll be a watery mess. But I know her love continues to surround my family - she's the glue that keeps us all together. My family has done a great job of making this year about us. We've experienced so many concerts, road trips, weddings, reunions and beach days together. You'd think we're sick of each other, but we're just getting started. You can either use tragedies to tear you apart or pull you closer together. I'm so thankful for the support system that is my immediate and extended family. God's love is present in each and every one of my clan whether they're 2 or 96. I expect that over time the pain won't be as intense and I won't cry over everything, but until then God's gonna love me through it. And there's nothing more I need.

We've completed our first year of being cancerstrong. It's been quite a roller coaster of emotions, and I am so thankful for everyone that's been on this crazy ride with us. We appreciate everything everyone has done for us and hope to return the favor whenever and however we can. Thanks be to God.

Pollution

If you're "friends" with me on any form of social media, you'll notice that my family does a lot together. This summer has been quite the adventure for my new family of 4. We're like a 4 pack of chicken nuggets - we all stick together. I've been M.I.A. for a while and my friends don't let me forget it. I kinda like being in my own little world though. I've lived in a fishbowl for the past 11 months. It's finally time for my family and I to calm down and disconnect from the grid. We've taken trips to weddings, firework displays, various beaches and lakes. We've never done this much traveling as a unit. And while it does become overwhelming and chaotic, I couldn't imagine spending my summer away from my people. We've weathered the storm and now it's about clean-up and recovery. Living in Hampton Roads we know all too well the damages of hurricanes. After Isabelle we lost several trees in our backyard and half of our deck. I remember looking out the window to see trees brushed up against our french doors. The morning after the storm you have two choices: wait another day to assess the mess or get started cleaning it up and moving on. My family is working towards a new beginning - a new life picking up the pieces where we left off. Never forgetting what happened, but thankful we had so much time together and continuing to live on in her and OUR legacy. 

One of our family trips was to Dayton, Ohio for my cousin's wedding. It was a beautiful ceremony and reception. The two were basically made for each other - sorta restored my hope for humanity. On the way home from the weekend of fun we stopped at a subway on the outskirts of West Virginia. It was a pretty nasty place - we stopped because we were desperately hungry and needed a bathroom. We ate inside the restaurant because we couldn't stand to be in the car any longer than we absolutely had to be, seeing as it was roughly a 12 hour drive. While we were eating, I noticed a car recklessly drive into the parking lot and park across two spots. My first thought was that they had robbed a business and were driving the get away car trying to obtain more cash from this subway. Much to my surprise a trashily dressed woman got out of the car and walked quickly into the subway. She came in and asked if someone specific was working. That particular employee came out from the back and the woman erupted into tears. At this point I was having lunch and a show. It was sorta like watching a train wreck - it's so horrific that you just can't look away. As she cried she explained what happened. I didn't hear the whole story, but I discovered that her boyfriend was recently put in jail. She talked all about how the bail was so expensive but that she needed to see him and help him in any way she could. She hugged her friend and said she was going back to the house to gather and pawn her most expensive items. It was at this point that I just felt sorry for this woman and sorry I had listened to her conversation. I don't know what her boyfriend did to deserve jail time, but not once had I ever thought about who jail time really affects - the family and friends of that particular individual. I began to pray to God. I prayed that he would help this family and heal her broken heart. She was so sad to watch. What happened next was truly inspiring. After hugging her friend, the woman turned to leave the subway wiping her tears and pulling herself back together. Her friend called her back and handed her the watch she'd been wearing. Without a word the two hugged each other and the woman left the store. I hope I never know anyone who needs to be bailed out of jail, but I hope that my good friend would give me her watch to sell to raise money for bail if I needed it.

It's easy to see the negativity in the world. It's easy to get down on yourself because you're seemingly undesirable or unworthy of good or praise. It's much more difficult to see the positive in a grim situation. In my meteorology class I learned that the sunrise and sunset are a wide variety of colors largely due to environmental and man-made pollution. Basically the junk in the air causes the colors to merge together forming a work of art in the sky. This is truly an example of seeing that there can be beauty in smog. There's always a silver lining, it's just a matter of finding it. This year has had it's ups and downs all over the place. I've lost my true best friend. I fell in love with the wrong person. I STILL have another year of school. I STILL live at home. But, I am so blessed and so rich in many other areas of my life. I have an unbelievably supportive friend group who I believe would not only give me their watches, but might just drive me over to the jail with a box full of their most precious belongings as well. I have a job and coworkers that support, encourage and nurture my passion for fashion  confident that it will lead me to a future career. I have a large extended family that cheers me on when I learn a new recipe or make another semester of straight As. But the silver lining in all my poor decisions and crappy hand of cards is that I'm becoming the person I was meant to be through it all. I don't know why bad things happen to good people - but I know I stand taller and more proud because of all the pollution that's cluttered my life. I know I am confident, strong and independent because I have survived the worst and I WILL be okay. 

When bad things happen to those around me I used to think "oh no, that's horrible!" But then I would check my facebook or listen to Beyonce and forget all about other people's problems. My reaction to tragedy and heart ache is much different now. It doesn't hurt to reach out and offer help or let them know you're thinking about them. I've become much better at showing how much I care for others. I've allowed myself to open up and live life without the fear of rejection or disappointment. All I know is this - if you get the opportunity to tell someone how you feel, do it. You can't rely on tomorrow. You can't rely on today. You've truly got to make the most of every moment you have with the people you love. I've wasted 20 years of expressing my feelings, but I've certainly made up for lost time. I've blocked numbers of people I don't like and become obsessed with the people I love. Life is so much sweeter when you're living the life God is offering and providing. My relationship with God extends beyond the church pew at First Lutheran. He rides shotgun in my car, helps me steam the clothing at Apricot Lane and sits in the room while I give presentations to incoming freshman at ODU every other Thursday. And much like God's known presence, I can feel my mother all around too. I think about her all the time. 90% of my thought are positive happy memories and the other 10% make me cry hysterically. But I know she'd be so proud of her family and friends for carrying on. I know she's proud of everything I've accomplished this year. And more importantly, I know she can't wait to see all the "good stuff" we do for others. So whether it be pawning your watch for bail or creating a little more pollution to enhance the colors of the sunrise tomorrow, I encourage you to live for the silver lining and bring out the positive in all situations. 

Dear God,

Thanks for the sunrise and sunset. Thanks for environmental pollution and summer school. Thanks for stupidly long road trips and subway. Thanks for always showing us the silver lining and the promise of a new day. Help us do more and be better than we were yesterday. Help us have full hearts and an abundance of kind words. Encourage us to share those words and feelings with those around us. Help us share and better understand your love. Amen.

Bonjour

This night one year ago was very different. It was a big night - my last night on USA soil for two weeks. May 25 I was headed to Paris, France to explore my love for fashion and design. I was traveling to a foreign country with 11 other women I didn't know very well. We had a loose itinerary and "free days" to plan activities for ourselves. We weren't going to have working cell phones and were given paper maps of the city to use. So, as you can imagine, at this point last year I was beyond panicked. I'm not sure why but whenever you're about to have a life altering event happen, people like to tell you everything that could potentially go wrong - or about bad experiences they've had. If I had a penny for every time someone said, "hope you don't get taken"...I'd have enough money to buy the city of Paris. All jokes aside, that was a legitimate concern and I was at a disadvantage because my dad wasn't Liam Neeson and he wouldn't be able to stop bad guys and save me. I was rooming with a girl that my teacher swore I would adore. Thankfully, she was right. Lauren and I quickly became Mary-Kate and Ashley on our two week excursion to France. I'll never forget when we landed - I've never been more terrified and excited in my whole life. We all filed off the plane and immediately declared that it was the best day of our lives. We spoke too soon. We had to take like 37 different means of transportation to get to our sleeping accommodations (it was more like 3 but felt like 37 because we were carrying our luggage with us the entire time). I should have paid more attention in our pre-trip meetings because I was thinking we would be staying in a hotel. Apparently, the word my teacher used was "hostel" and apparently I should have googled the word before I flew thousands of miles from my house. Lauren and I walked into our "room", shut the door and sat on the edge of our dingy beds thinking "what have we done". That first night I remember laying in my bed holding back tears because it was colder in France than I had thought (so I had packed all the wrong things), I was pretty sure there were bugs, dirt and possibly illegal substances in every nook and cranny of our closet-sized room and I knew I was stuck here for 10 more days. My parents had bought me a pre-paid international phone so I could text them while I was gone - the intent was so that I could send pictures or alert them if I had in fact been taken and transported into a human trafficking circle. I remember texting my mom and saying "I want to come home". She immediately called me and reassured me that everything would be fine. Well, it's been a year and I survived the two weeks in France - she was right yet again.

After that first night of culture and hostile hygiene shock I fell in love with the city of love. We went to all the Haute Couture shops and vintage boutiques in the city; but my favorite part was being a tourist and observing the styles on the street. Among many things, we visited the Lock Bridge, Notre Dome, The Louvre, and had an excursion to Reims for a day of Champagne tasting. We spent an afternoon in Luxembourg Gardens and an evening on top of the Eiffel Tower. At the time, these sights and precious moments of vulnerability were shared with 11 strangers. Over the course of those two weeks, I became very close with a few of these strangers and thankfully, these strangers have become some of my best friends. When you travel and problem-solve with random people in a foreign country, you learn you can get through just about anything with them in life; that definitely has been the case. I've had so many wonderful memories to reminisce over the past year from looking through photographs or re-reading journal entries I had written while we were in France. But my favorite memory of all has never been written down nor is there a picture of it happening.

This is a memory that has been ingrained in my head since the day we returned home and for that I am grateful. The day we were to fly home from France our flight was cancelled. At 2:30 am (USA time) I called home crying because "I was never coming home". My parents began looking into flights online and our 'mama bear' of the group was kindly harassing the flight desk demanding that we return home today. Somehow we managed to get home only 4 hours after we had originally planned - God is so good. Because we were a late flight, the gate at the end of the terminal was down at Norfolk International Airport. We were walking towards the gate and could see our families standing on the other side. I remember being so tired and emotionally drained from flying all day. I remember just being thankful to be on the ground for good. As I got closer to the gate I could see someone jumping up and down, calling out to security and rattling the gate. Low and behold the crazy woman was my mother. She was calling out to security officials telling them to lift the gate so we could come through the terminal. She was reaching out to me through the metal bars like I was a convict in a prison cell. I remember laughing out of embarrassment and thinking "what is wrong with you - I'm right in front of you - You can see that I'm okay". When the gate finally went up, my mom hugged me tighter and longer than she ever has before. I really don't think she's ever hugged me tighter than she did in that moment. And in that moment my eyes began to fill with tears because I was "home". She was "home".

My mom always encouraged me to follow my dreams and challenge my fears head on. I can confidently say that I never would have gone to France without her encouragement and persistence. That trip was the last gift she gave me. I brought back a painting of the Eiffel Tower, done by a street artist in the city. The picture now hangs in our kitchen - it almost looks like it was painted for that location. I remember giving it to her and her sighing. She was so relieved that I was alive and had a great time. It turns out she was more worried, anxious and scared than I was - but she never let it show because she knew it would be a good experience for me. As most can imagine, this weekend is hard for my family because a year ago we were celebrating my trip to France. And many many many years ago, my parents were celebrating their wedding day. May 25 is my parent's wedding anniversary. How do you celebrate when the love of your life is gone? I kinda wish tomorrow would never come - but it's inevitable. I'm thankful my dad has the three of us to keep him company. Today he visited me at work and surprised me with a cross ring - it symbolizes my mom's promise to him. In a strange kind of way it's a promise to us too. When they said "I do" many moons ago, they promised to love and support each other. They promised to do the best they could. They promised to compromise. They promised to do good works. I'd like to think that my brother, sister and I are part of the good works she's left behind. She's still very much a part of our lives - not an hour goes by where I don't think about her and her wonderful legacy.

The bible passage from my devotion for today is pretty cool, it's from Isaiah 40:25-31. I've picked out a couple of my favorite sections to share, "Look up into the heavens. Who created all the stars? He brings them out like an army, one after another, calling each by its name. Because of his great power and incomparable strength, not a single one is missing. How can you say the Lord does not see your troubles? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the Earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. Those who trust in the Lord will find new strength, They will soar high on wings like eagles." I believe that my mom is soaring. I believe that the Lord has a master plan. I don't agree with his plans - but I can respect that they're there. If I really think about my life, I can pull out moments where my mom unknowingly prepared me for her fight with cancer. I can pinpoint moments from the past and freak myself out thinking "woah, it's like she knew something would happen". God created all the stars and though they seem boring and tiny way up in the sky, they're pretty phenomenal works of art. My mom has a front row seat for every meteor shower and her view gets better every day. Thankfully, God never grows tired of our problems and He never falls short in helping us solve them. God's like the Paris metro - He stops for no one. He doesn't care if you've got overweight baggage or if you're wearing 4 inch wedges. He continues on re-routing and calculating alternate plans for you to prosper and find happiness. It may not be the happiness you thought you wanted or deserved, but I can guarantee it'll be the happiness you need. This year I've learned about love and loss. I've learned about strength and weakness. I've learned about hope and faith. I've learned those two are one in the same. I've found the new strength that's been promised by our Lord. I continue believing, not because it's easy, but because I desire to be better - to be more Christ-like and Christ-centered. I'm gonna let God handle the worrying and Liam Neeson action films. I'm gonna rely on my faith, family and friends to get me through the rest.

Cowgirl Up

Everything happens for a reason. Everything happens in its own time. These are the lessons God has taught me and continues to teach me every day. I struggle knowing that I can't plan everything out the way I think it should be. I struggle with understanding that people change. These last few weeks have been refreshing because I have been able to explore who I am and what I want. Every relationship and friendship you make teaches you something about what you find important and what you seek to give to the world. The other day I was talking with one of my best friends and we were talking about our inability to fall asleep these days - our heads are clouded with responsibilities and tasks left unfinished - our minds run a continuous race. We talked about the ways in which we would fall asleep when we were younger. I confessed that my mom would always sing me to sleep - she would sing Jesus songs to ease our anxiety and comfort us into a restful slumber. When my mom was occupied or refused to sing to me, I would call on my dad to get the job done. Bless that man's heart - he can't remember song lyrics to save his life. The only song he knows all of the words to without a cheat sheet, is Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. He would sing me that song any time I asked regardless of the season - He's the man. As I laid in bed, I thought about how I'd love to hear my mom's sweet voice or my dad's rendition of Rudolph; but, the reality is that as a 22 year old I can't be sung to sleep anymore. Things have to change and I have to grow up.

My mom never told me what to do. We also really never had any rules or curfews. I've never been grounded or put on restriction. Don't get me wrong, I was the sole reason why we had a "time-out chair" growing up...but those days only lasted until I was 6 or 7. I lost dessert very frequently because I am way too sassy and stubborn for my own good. But I was always encouraged to make my own decisions. My mom had a subtle way of making her view point known or proving that something was probably a bad idea. We talked all the time, about everything and everyone. There were never any secrets - we were best friends. I love that she knew everything, because she could usually make an informed opinion or judgement to back me up when I needed it. She would ask me a million questions, "does he make you happy? would you introduce him to grandma? does she gossip about people the whole time y'all communicate? are you proud of what she did?" These questions would encourage me to think about my friends and whether I was proud of my relationships. Through her hard-hitting questions I discovered that maybe I didn't actually think he was "the one" or maybe I should be more careful when choosing my friends. Life's a little trickier now - I have no sounding board. There are lots of people in the world to talk to, but nobody is as good at talking as my mom. I think the questions and decisions are harder because I feel like I live under a microscope. I feel like everyone is looking to me for some profound statement or proclamation about life and spoiler alert: I don't have one. The only thing I have to say is this: Live your life.

I get so wrapped up in making mistakes and dwelling on decisions I've made. I really need to stop over-thinking everything and learn to live in the moment. A couple summers ago I went to Colorado with my sister. We went out to the land of freedom and natural beauty because my sister and I couldn't get along. My mom shipped us out there to visit her best friend and get a huge dose of reality. Turns out there's more to life than walking around Lynnhaven Mall, curling your hair or scooping the newest copy of People Magazine. I came back with lots of crazy memories and hilarious stories. But more importantly, I came home with a renewed sense of self. I have a metal sign that hangs above my closet - it's the first thing I see when I wake up every morning. The sign is very simple and reads "Cowgirl up". That summer I learned the importance of being yourself - making decisions for yourself - treating everyone with respect and learning to just live life. Most of the time I get caught up in the hustle and bustle of every day life, but there are some days when it all just makes sense and feels right. Last Saturday I spent my day with sisters at a baseball game, saw the giant 40 ft duck chilling in the Hague and laughing hysterically at magic tricks performed by the world's creepiest old man at the Greek Festival. I had the time of my life - I had no one to report to, I did nothing wrong and I was finally living the way I'm supposed to. I was soaking up the sunlight, enjoying a pita full of lamb and shoving honey covered donuts into my mouth at an alarming pace. I could feel my mom's arms surrounding my friends and I as we enjoyed our youth and made memories that we wouldn't soon forget. Yesterday, someone burned popcorn in the microwave at work. I came home, changed into my comfy clothes and laughed to myself because I smelled like a bon fire. Instead of immediately throwing my dress and blazer in the wash, I hung them on the back of my door. Life's like the unexpected bon fire at work - you can't plan things without being slightly disappointed in the end. The only way to fully enjoy life is if you live in the moment because there's no chance of disappointment or regret. My dad tells me all the time that I can't be afraid to try new things. I can't be afraid to write people off because of a rumor or my own insecurities. He's the driving force behind my decisions these days and I'm thankful he's pushing me into meeting new people and having new experiences.

I've also been exploring my faith throughout this "live your life" movement I'm currently engaged in. I feel like God would instantly text me back if I initiated a conversation. I also think God's bold enough to use a read receipt on his messages just so you knew you were heard. I've started making plans for myself - not waiting on anyone or basing my plans on what the outcome might be. I have plans to travel to DC to tour museums and go to Nats games. I have plans to attend every country concert in VB this summer. I have plans to go to a Liverpool soccer game and James Taylor concert in Charlotte. I have a week at the beach on the books and a weekend at the lake with my family. I have so many things to look forward to and celebrate about life - it's too short to dwell in past decisions, good or bad. Life's too short to dwell on the people that bring constant negatively into your life or unnecessary anxiety and unhappiness. We all deserve to be happy and make decisions that bring out our best selves. I take comfort in Matthew 6:34, "therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself". God's basically telling us to put a cork in it and live the life he's providing. He can handle all our burdens and worries. He is choosing to handle everything for us. We just need to get out there and LIVE.

Dear God,
Help me to loosen the reins. Help me to take a step back and live life according to your terms. Help me see how beautiful the world around me is and allow me to live the life you're planning for me. Encourage me to live the life my mom would have wanted for me. Thank you for giving me glimmers of hope in my siblings and friends. Thank you for constantly picking me up when I'm down and giving me another day to try again. Thank you for reminding me to "Cowgirl up" and live. Amen.

Mother's Day

There's nothing I hate more than waking up early. Early to me is anytime before noon. That whole "the early bird gets the worm" thing just doesn't even come close to appealing to me. I say, let that bird get that worm cause in a few hours he won't be hungry and I'll snatch the next one. The worst is when you're dreaming and you wake up too soon and are left to wonder what happened in your dream. A week or so ago I had a dream about my mom and I can't stop thinking about it. My mom was sitting on a cloud watching me live life and go through my daily routine. She was opening doors for me so that I could walk through and explore new territories. She was closing certain doors behind me as well. I tried to talk to someone about my dream and attempted to Google what a dream like this could possibly mean...but didn't really gain any new understanding. The past couple days have been eerily suspicious because in more ways than one doors have been opened and closed. And it's comforting for me to think about my mom continuing to participate in my life. This past weekend I was able to get away from the hustle and bustle of life in VB and spend quality time with my family and my mom's best friend. It was a time of refocus and renewal. For three days I was able to tune the world out, dig my toes into the sand and soak up the sun. My heart has been suffering a lot since my mom passed - I'm desperate to find and feel love. I'm desperate to be a priority to someone, but I've been searching in all the wrong places. I've realized that sometimes it's better to walk away and allow time to tell the rest of the tale. This weekend I allowed my heart to be open to God and talk about feelings and emotions with two people I love the most - my dad and my mom's best friend. I started to wonder if the doors my mom was opening and closing for me had anything to do with my relationships and friendships - those that are damaging and those that bring great joy.

Without a doubt, I believe that one door my mother was opening led to the store front of Apricot Lane. Other students in the fashion merchandising program at ODU have been planning their internships for months. I, on the other hand, had a lot more to worry about than college this semester and didn't realize the importance of having an internship this summer. Through an act of God, I found the most perfect one ever. Everything has worked out and I am in love with the store and those that work beside me. I know my mom would be so proud of me for everything I've been able to accomplish this year and having this internship is the cherry on top. I intend to go places with my life and this internship is the first step in that process of gaining independence and rebuilding confidence in myself and in my degree. The door that shut in this case, was the door to my insecurity. I've never had a retail job before so I had absolutely no qualifications for employment at this boutique. They took a risk with me and for that I am so thankful - constantly amazed at the ways in which God works in my life.

My last thought about doors is that holidays like Mother's Day, Father's Day and Valentine's Day are stupid and useless. That's right. I'm not saying that cause I'm bitter or a jerk. I'm saying it because your mother, father, and loved one should be appreciated and celebrated all day, every day and they should know it. I understand that these are commercial holidays created by the industry so you feel pressure to buy flowers or jewelry or make pancakes to deliver to someone in bed only to have syrup all over your sheets and comforter for weeks. How many people buy flowers for their loved one on other days of the year? How many buy a card to mail, just because? How many people make their significant other toast or bring them lunch at work for no particular reason? Why is it that we wait for these crazy stupid holidays to appreciate the ones we love? On Mother's Day I received several kind text messages, facebook messages, instagram posts and phone calls. It was sweet that others thought of me and reached out to let me know they cared. I received several "today must be hard for you" messages...and if you sent one of those, you'd be 100% correct. Mother's Day was a difficult day for my family charged with raw emotion and anger. However, you'd be correct in texting me every single day with that message, "today must be hard for you". I don't care if it's Great Grandmother's Twice Removed Cousin's Day - that day would still be difficult for my family and I. Mother's Day is a sad excuse for spoiled kids to "thank" their mother's and complain about having to spend the day with the family. It's a day where all of a sudden, you have to celebrate someone else and put them first. We don't do a good job of remembering to put others first - myself included. I've gotten better over this past year, because I've been forced to do better. Thankfully, my parents and I have always had an open door policy. We've always been encouraged to share feelings and thoughts and openly appreciate and love one another.

The hardest part of losing my mother was that she wasn't just a parental figure - she was my friend and loyal companion. She was my advocate and confidant. We celebrated Mother's Day, Father's Day and Valentine's Day every single day of the last 22 years. We never went to bed upset with each other because we wouldn't be able to sleep. I remember the good ole days in middle school (which weren't really the good ole days) when my mom and I would disagree. She would never yell - she would just throw out that "I'm disappointed" phrase and the argument or disagreement was over and I would flee to my room and sob. I remember many nights, writing my mom notes to leave on her pillow apologizing for every not nice thing I said or did that disappointed her. I would leave the note on her pillow so that she would see it before bed and we would be fine in the morning. That's what was cool about my mom - she never admitted to winning a fight. After it was over, you'd never hear another word about it. If she held a grudge, I never knew it. A could days after my mom passed away we went through her bedside drawer. I found every single note I left on her pillow over the years. My mom really knew how much I loved and appreciated her. For that, I am thankful.

When I think about Angels, I think about my mom. She had a unique purpose on this Earth. She was here to do better for others - to show others that they deserved more. It's not okay to settle on happiness - you deserve to be over the top, world series game winning home run kind of happy. It's not okay to settle on employment - you deserve to be doing your dream job and working hard for what you love and support. It's not okay to settle on disagreeing - you should work to understand and seek to compromise so that nobody is left hurting. My mom might not physically be with me anymore, but she's continuing to teach me lessons from Heaven and draw me closer to God and scripture. There's a passage from Colossians that speaks to me tonight, "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him". We need to be Christ like and allow our hearts to speak out and demand the respect, attention and love we deserve. We need to rejoice in our ability to live life and cherish every moment spent with those we love and value. We need to give thanks for those that hurt us, love us and inspire us to do better. We need to do better for others, not just on Mother's Day, Father's Day and Valentine's Day...but every day because it is God's will. This summer I intend to follow my heart and strive to find inner happiness in my friends, my internship and my job. I intend to dive deeper into my relationship with God because it is the most important and honest relationship I have. God has continued my time on Earth because I am capable of so much more - I have no idea what I can do for myself or for others, but I'm so excited to continue this journey and find out.