Choices.

To quote my girl Avril, from the 90s, “Everything’s changing when I turn around, all out of my control, I’m a mobile”. A lot’s been changing in my world over the past almost 3 years. People count their years by many things – Jan 1 is the start of a year for most people I would assume. Some people probably measure years in their children’s ages or in how long it takes to get rid of a bad haircut. For me, years are measured in loss. I measure time by referencing how long my mom’s been deceased. I’m 25 years old and my mother is gone, permanently. Believe it or not, it’s still odd for me to type or say those words. In the past year I’ve called her cell phone more times than I’d like to admit, ready to scream about my bad day or shout in excitement over the status of my relationship. Everything seems to be changing and it’s all out of my control…and for a huge control freak, it’s an absolute nightmare. I can’t control cancer – I discovered that when my mom passed away a few years ago. I can’t control others around me – I learn that more and more every day. But what I can control is something I’m not very good at controlling – my negativity.

It’s recently been brought to my attention that I have a ‘need’ for negativity. I never really thought about it like that, but in some ways…I guess that’s true. I am a firm believer in the fact that people are products of their upbringing – we are the way we are because of something we’ve experienced or maybe you act the way you do because Instagram told you to…or you saw something on Facebook that inspired you to do x, y and z with your life. Whatever it is, I have a hard time believing that you choose to do or say everything you do because of your own original thoughts. I know I don’t. I saw a picture on Instagram a couple Saturdays ago of a girl with a floppy hat and a glass of wine…so now I own a floppy hat…and I really don’t even like drinking wine. Will I ever wear that stupid hat? Probably not. But I’m an impressionable person so it stuck with me. What does impressionable really mean? A synonym is to imprint. Hmm, maybe that’s why I enjoy a good dose of reality. I have moments and images imprinted or stamped on my brain and in my heart of moments I was told everything would work out just fine with my mom. Or when doctors and even some family members told me that she would be fine or better in the morning. What I fail to dwell on are the good times that are stamped in my mind and on my heart. Times when I wasn’t let down by anyone or anything. I have more of those times than the negative times. Why is it that we always dwell on negativity and insecurity – because we are less likely to be disappointed?  

I’m not one of those people that goes to playgrounds and yells “Santa’s fake” to all the children…but I am a person that sees the glass half empty. I’m not sure if I always used to be this way, but life’s dealt me a real crappy hand of cards. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my hand of cards and I’m thinking it might just be time to change the game. I might not win a game of Poker, but I might have all the necessary cards for Spades. It might not be about what I’ve previously done with the cards in my hand, but more about what I plan to do with the cards in the future. I’m getting married in July and I keep thinking about my future – it’s kinda scary. Thinking about my life and how I plan to incorporate someone else into it. I’m inviting someone else into my life permanently; we are basically merging our two lives together forever. That’s like a huge big deal. And my fiancé happens to see life as half full and has an overabundance of joy in almost everything he does. In the kindest way possible, I mean that he’s annoyingly positive and happy. I have to laugh to myself while typing this because I love every single part of that man and I think that's why. He's always telling me that everything is going to be fine and that it's all going to work out and genuinely believes that! It's hard for me to relate to that mindset considering that my world is finally starting to revolve again. I appreciate his kindness and encouragement, but not in every situation. Sometimes you just need to be upset. However, I think for every half empty person, there’s someone out there to be their half full person. I think that over time I could become a half full person, but where do I even start? How do I try being half full when it’s less painful to be more realistic and half empty? 

Tonight I’m reading Philippians 4:8, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things”. It frustrates me that things are often written in the bible in such a nonchalant way – like “only think about positive things and you won’t be negative”. However, sitting here reading this passage over and over I’m struggling to find something negative to think about. When you focus on positive thinking, it’s all consuming. And the beautiful thing about positive thinking is that it has no end – one positive thought leads perfectly into the next. I’m not doubting that Jesus knew what he was talking about…there are many stories that lead exactly to what he was predicting or referencing but I think even he had difficulty staying on the positive train. It comforts me to know that Jesus wasn’t always thinking about rainbows and cupcakes. Makes him more relatable. And that makes me believe his word more. This week I plan to spend more time focusing on pure, lovely and commendable things in hopes of eliminating some negativity from my life. I'd challenge anyone reading this to do the same. 

Dear God,

Help me understand that it’s okay to have an “off day”. Help me understand that the “off day” ends and a new more positive day begins. Help me see more of what is pure, lovely and commendable. Thank you for loving me regardless of whether I see your world as half full or half empty. Give a hug to my mom. Amen.