"Giving"

Today I found myself lost in thought. My thoughts and other people's thoughts. Needless to say, it's a dangerous place to reside. I found myself slumped down in the chair next to my mother's bed, alone and inquisitive. I began to notice her irregular breathing patterns and couldn't help but giggle whenever she snored loudly. I am thankful she is at peace and resting. But it also makes things much harder to witness and understand. I began to ask her rhetorical questions like  "how did you always know what to say?" and the million dollar question, "why are you leaving me?". Whenever I was lost, confused or upset, I would turn to my mom. I guess that wasn't exactly fair of me, but she always knew the perfect words to say - whatever I NEEDED to hear and never what I actually wanted to hear. At the time, I'd be even more upset or angry, but as I cooled down I'd realize she was right and be thankful. These days my eyes are swollen, my throat has a permanent lump and I feel nauseous all the time because I'm faced with decisions I've never had to make alone.

What is a priority and how do you know what yours are? I'm learning that my priorities are different than most people my age. I have a couple priorities these days - sharing love, spending time with my family and being the best friend/person/companion I can be to others I encounter in this life. I do believe that priorities change with age and circumstance, but I'd like to think these priorities are universal. Unfortunately I'm finding that I would do much more for others than they would do for me and it's disappointing. I was standing in our front yard yesterday afternoon with a few neighborhood kids. We were waiting for someone to drop off a meal for dinner. These two particular people that provided our meal are some of my favorite people in the entire world. They emerged from their car and devoured us in a series of never-ending hugs and kisses. As we stood there gabbing about life, hugging it out and praising my mother's name she said a couple things that really resonated with me. She said "life is for giving - we give so that we may live". I found this interesting because the American way is to receive and hoard so that we have enough for ourselves. She rejected that notion and talked about the importance of giving and helping others. She certainly practiced what she preached because she brought us enough food for a small militia, but most people don't think about giving anything to others. "Giving" is a word used around holidays and in times of need, but is often forgotten the other couple days of the year.

Today, my dad and I were talking about my mom's condition and how it spiraled out of control. I maintain that we made the best decisions we could at the time and did everything we could to help her fight this battle. Dealing with a terminal form of cancer can be easily equated to the use and maintenance of a roadway. As cars, trucks and bikes use the roadway it deteriorates over time. Drastic and frequent changes in the temperature add to the deterioration and create pot holes the size of Texas in the road. Private and public companies often come to repair the roads, but somehow the pot hole always finds a way of reappearing and being worse than the first time it was repaired. Covering a pot hole is like covering a booboo with a band-aid, but until you repave the road or the booboo heals, covering it up is the only solution. With my mom's cancer we were constantly covering pot holes with band aids and having to face the fact that the brain tumor was the root of all of these problems. Now she is at peace and will eventually pass on and live in a world where there are no pot holes or booboos. It's a world we're only capable of dreaming about.

I consulted my bible tonight desperately searching for words of comfort. I found them in Acts 20:35, "In everything I showed you that by working hard in this manner you must help the weak and remember the  words of the Lord Jesus, that He Himself said, 'it is more blessed to give than to receive'". Not only is this exactly what someone told me yesterday afternoon in my front yard, but it's something my mother has instilled in me during her time on Earth. This passage extends far beyond making meals for others or remembering to give a giftcard to someone on their birthday. We give advice, share wisdom and spread love and kindness every day. It's important we continue to do those things because God expects us to - He wants us to encourage others and give them the tools they need to succeed. I think it's fine to accept gifts, but we shouldn't hoard our gifts and possessions - we should share them with others because that's what we're made to do. God gave me my mother and even though I will continue to ask Him why she's leaving me and be really grumpy and angry with him...I can't hoard her and physically keep her as my own. Unfortunately, I've got to give her back to Him because He needs her for a greater purpose. I need to learn to give the greatest gift I've ever received. It's not easy and it's certainly not fair, but God is one person I'm okay sharing with. I encourage you to pay for the person's Starbucks behind you, let a car merge into your lane or give an honest opinion (when asked) in a dressing room. Whatever you do, remember that God has given us the ultimate gift of life and the least we can do is offer our gifts to each other in His name.